Wednesday, April 30

my sister can't say she is a lesbian

in the best lawsuit ever, or possibly a news story just made up by my mom*, the people of lesbos are suing the gay and lesbian alliance of greece to make them remove "lesbian" from their name. because greece has a very strong heterosexual tradition, and obviously none of them have ever been associated with the homosexuals ever.

* seriously, her favorite jokes seem to all involve lesbos as a punchline.

where's hal sparks being pithy and hyper when you need him?

oh good, hypercolor is back! with a new name! i've been hoping to relive 1992 for a while now.

i was totally actually for real going to buy one but the t-shirt costs $70! i'll just go on a roadtrip to the midwest and find some original hypercolor at a salvation army, thank you very much.

"the NFL is just as much pressure"

campbell and his classmates

a thought i had reading the ny times' piece on an army football player, caleb campbell (is he a mormon? this is the mormonyist name ever! that isn't the thought), who is being released from active duty to join the nfl: wouldn't it be better press and pr for your recruitment campaigns to, like, stop sending the poor kids you're trying to reach by specifically targeting high school athletes praying for scholarships over to iraq to die? this seems to be common sense to me, and a little less of a poor kid/rich kid controversial matter! i guess that's why i'm not the secretary of the navy.

i do absolutely adore how many circles this kid talks to make it not sound like he's a complete douchebag who lucked out though, particularly his claim that the NFL is "just as much pressure" as iraq and afghanistan. i'd buy this if he was going to play for a good team, like even the bears, but he's been drafted by the lions. the only way he's not getting cut is if he somehow loses his limbs. all of them. and even then, i think it's only a 50/50 chance he'll get cut.

he shouldn't bother to be making it sound like he's doing his part and is just the same as every one of his classmates. first of all, ha ha, lol! they're not sending your white officer friends from the fancy school to the middle east to die! that's what defense language institute is for! there are a lot of options to avoid killing these kids, c'mon. don't feel too bad, caleb! also, would any one of us reading this article not make the same choice he's making? "oh, please, no, thank you mr. goodell, thank you but i'd rather toil in the desert getting shot at by the angries instead of become a famous professional athlete!" honestly, just man up and be frank about your decision to not get killed. that'd be the best help you could give the kids you're pretending you're going to recruit.

campbell today

Tuesday, April 29

hooking's a helluva drug

wtf happened to this girl? i used to know a lady that kinda looked like that! she was from new jersey too. that lady was 36, though. her left boob exploded! then i did not get my breast implants because my friends cried and said my left boob would also explode. the end.

y tu mimi tambien

wait. who let mariah into another movie? why did none of you tell me? i should've signed up to review this one!

Monday, April 28

wanted: people who actually know how to play music

i'm creating a band. we will be called mary toft and the rabbit babies. what i need:

guitarists (at least 4)
bassist (no chicks)
keyboard player? i can probably do this myself
other things: let me know and i will consider you

Friday, April 25

in ghetto train, bums pay you!

a homeless man, judging by appearance, approached me around chambers street. he was holding out a dollar bill and trying to get my attention through a series of strange faces, gestures, and, presumably, words that i didn't hear since i was listening to "don't say motherfucker, motherfucker" at this point. i took off my headphones and it seems this gentleman wished to pay me a dollar to let him touch my hair.

i didn't take the dollar, but let him touch my hair anyway. i haven't washed my hair in days so it's not like he could make it worse, in terms of grossness, really. he left at the next stop, and i resumed my turbonegro presummer ramp up.

back up, electric boogaloo

just a note to subway breakdancers: rush hour is an extremely inappropriate time to be doing this.* the a train is packed to the gills. people are standing all over each other. there is nowhere for anyone to go, so you guys forcibly moving people because you gotta start the "show" really isn't going to go over well. what do you hope to gain from this endeavor? the situation makes it so people like me, who had at least a 50/50 chance of giving you a dollar, are now 100% likely to not give you any money at all. why? because you're an asshole.

* in fairness, i've seen this twice on rush hour j trains.

riding on the l train, i aint got no problems no more no more no

should i get up earlier on monday and conduct this same experiment, on the l train? it is also at broadway junction!

(if you don't know what the title refers to, you really should click here and educate yourself, because seriously, brooklyn.)

(if you don't understand the picture, it was a top gis result for "l train" earlier)

(if you don't understand this post, my bad)


somewhere along the line, an old, manic street preacher entered the train. maybe utica avenue? it's difficult to tell, i had my headphones on, as is my normal early morning "thing." he's shouting the normal schtick at the top of his lungs: snakes coming out of skulls, fire and brimstone, lizard jesuses with lasers shooting out of their eyes. things you're familiar with if you've ever gone to mass! it's pretty easily ignorable, standard fare, is my point.

until suddenly he becomes even louder than before. "it's sunny and 75/it feels so good to be alive/BETTY BOOP WAS A STRIPPER! A STRIPPER!" is what i'm hearing now (special note to noted fan of my writing, d.c. berman: please change the lyrics of your song accordingly). with all apologies to the silver jews, you're all very good at your jobs, but none of you are a very animated shrieking man standing in front of me having a furious discussion with himself as to the whoredom of betty boop and its effect on the children. the music was turned off for a good ten minutes while he accused ms. boop of going to military bases and stripping for soldiers, not even for money but because she was a terrible person.

unfortunately, he returned to the whole maggots crawling out of orifices thing and didn't mention cartoons again. so i turned back on my music and went about my business.

the next i heard him was either w4 or 14th, where he got off*. he announced, in the same pitch that he was shrieking about betty, "forget you all! i have to go to class," and really it was in that moment that i first questioned my decision to not apply to nyu.

* i'm very slightly hungover this morning so i just didn't have it in me to care if it was w4 or 14th.

older black gentleman on the a, 9:15 this morning - w4m - 27 (Brooklyn)

i found it very flattering that you spent the entire time between broadway junction and hoyt-schermerhorn openly masturbating while staring aggressively at me. it might've just been because i was the only white girl on the train that i got this attention but i think we had something special! the piratey looking guy who seemed to get whiplash when he saw me and was openly leaning over to try to look up my skirt had nothing on your game, at any rate! i'm glad you've already revealed your inner self to me so soon in our relationship. though usually when guys reveal their inner self to me so early, it's a little more impressive.

i regret not saying anything to you now! if you see this, we should get coffee. i'll also accept the piratey looking dude (they're blue and have a cartoon lion on the ass, in case you were doing a sociological study on ladies' underpants).

don't it feel like you're a rider on a downbound train

every post i make today will be detailing my experience on the a train today between broadway junction and 34th street-penn station, because wow! in ghetto train, bums pay you! more on that at the end of the day.

if you're wondering why i took the a today, it is because the j can go fuck itself, as can all of the fans of the j, most of which all live at either myrtle or marcy and don't seem to see the big semantic difference between living on the j/m/z and living on the j or the m. i know they're a bunch of new york experts*, but it's simple mathematics.

* when i use this phrase, i invariably mean under 25s who lived at least the first 18 years of their life west of the mississippi, and who spent their first year (or more) in new york city living in the washington square vicinity or in morningside heights, aka the realest places in new york.

Thursday, April 24

stories that i just never get, part a million

another day, another story about jerking off and preventing cancer. these are printed all of the time. what i never understand about them is, wouldn't it be more accurate to say orgasming? i've seen no evidence from any of the studies that they link that the, you know, arm motion (i'm making the "jerk off" hand signal right now) is really the key part here. so just having sex 5 times per week would also accomplish your anti-cancer goals. or blow jobs five times a week! or a combination of all of these things.

of course, this iteration of this article, being as it is reported by ultra fascist psychonews channel fox, claims that the reason they are specifically mentioning masturbation is that having sex causes cancer because of the stds. what the hell? is there another cancer besides cervix cancer that is caused by stds? which, you know, doesn't affect men, who are the subject of this study. servicey!

also, who the fuck are these men who are not getting off in some fashion five times per week? i don't think i've ever met any of them.

zombie disco?

meowrson welles says:it's thriller night at tribeca! and no, i do not mean the genre of movies. john landis will be there! let's all be good kitties and go get face painted and dance.

UPDATE: some of you might need lessons on how to dance, i realize. new york isn't what it used to be and it is difficult to get in practice with these ridiculous cabaret laws. so here is an instructional video:

update from mom

(coming on the heels of an email updating me of various mutated people in india she saw on tv, and calling stephen hawking a "bitchy stephen")

LYDIA to me
2:59 PM (3 minutes ago)
[ed. note: this is a completely blank e-mail]

Ally to LYDIA
2:59 PM (3 minutes ago)
you send me blank e-mail!!!!!

LYDIA to me
3:01 PM (1 minute ago)
I was jittery with my send finger...too much coke and hummus


this is a great blog! a focused version of what i was trying to do months ago before i went whole hog lame blogger! i can only say A+++ sir, you are a wizard and a scholar.

things you notice walking around midtown

construction workers are men who are confident in their pick up artistry!

kids incorporated

Not a game, originally uploaded by noesunjoc.

ok, in theory i'm ok with take your child to work day, i suppose. well, except that they don't actually spend the day sitting with you and learning what you do and getting a positive outlook towards a realistic view of the workplace. workplaces hire clowns and face painters and bands and throw pizza parties and give everyone soda pop on this very special day. which, surprisingly, is not actually how tony is the rest of the week.

what irks me is that people who bring their children in with them also do utterly no work. the rest of us have to sit here and do our jobs and can hear them, loudly playing with their children and having a pizza party (to which we're not invited, since we were smart enough to not get fucking knocked up). why bother going to work? what the hell is so wrong with any workplace in america just turning around and having a stay home and play with your kids or your boyfriend or whoever you damn well please day?

it's not a fucking day care. it's an office. at the very least, allow those of us who don't have children to opt out of this day. parents already get all manner of ridiculous perks the rest of us don't receive. your kid is sick? oh, hurry home. i'm sick? well, at science, despite having a full week of sick time left, my asshole boss (who was new to the job, to boot), i was informed that i was not to take off any additional time because i had taken "too much" (again i stress that i had a week of time left).

he took off regularly at 3pm to take his kids to various fun places, btw.

maybe i'm going to just go downstairs and steal some pizza, except i've put myself on a diet so maybe i'll just go outside for hours.

you know, some ppl's moms bake cookies and watch the view

LYDIA to me
11:31 AM (38 minutes ago)

Ally to LYDIA
11:32 AM (38 minutes ago)
hahaha why do you send me these stories every time they pop up :D

LYDIA to me
11:33 AM (38 minutes ago)
To continually enforce how ridiculous and primitive men can be.

Ally to LYDIA
11:35 AM (37 minutes ago)
I don't know if I need to know that one of them thinks his penis was stolen (still don't get this, btw, wouldn't you KNOW it was still there) to know that men are ridiculous! You might be familiar with my track record!

LYDIA to me
11:42 AM (31 minutes ago)
I spit in Bono's and Oprah's faces. [ed. note: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS EITHER OK DON'T ASK] Men who think this should just become extinct. "She stole my penis" give me a break! Can you imagine men saying that in this country? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ally to LYDIA
12:15 PM
Honestly? Yes, yes I can imagine men saying that in this country, I am genuinely surprised I haven't been accused of doing such by certain ppl actually!

LYDIA to me
12:16 PM
I think they'd call you something that rhymes with witch though :D

gonna bake some motherfucking magic tonight

i've had this song in my head all morning! what is it about 80 degree weather that turns a young girl's mind to thoughts of homosexual norwegian death metal?

remember the time period when otis and i talked incessantly about turbonegro and a whole lot of people thought it was a made-up band and we were playing a prank on everyone? like either of us is even smart enough to write "i got erection"!

Tuesday, April 22

you fill me with inertia

if you've never seen this movie, you can thank me later for directing you to it on the internets. if you're torn on committing to an hour-and-a-half long movie online,

A) really? it's not costing you anything. damn, i've heard of commitment-phobes but that is next level.


flying ho, originally uploaded by allyzay.

A TIE?? A TIE?? are you guys for real? exactly 690 for wine/beer in restaurants, and 690 against? who are these 690 people in the latter group?


hey there sonny, please preserve our t-shirt shops and tourist crap and flying hos which are never even open anyway!

damn, bros, sorry for your loss. maybe the recount will allow you to truly become the honky tonk town of your destiny. i have you in my prayers.

(previously on this blog...)


anyone want to buy eli and abby some gifts? the mixer is pretty sweet, if we pooled our money together we could make this happen. or we could get that indoor grill! i mean, it'd be pretty awesome to have that, brighten up a stupid hoboken apartment definitely for sure.


why does everyone try to anger me

the thing i understand least about this padded underpants website i got forwarded just now by my hilarious friends is why they come in any size but small (or "sweet" in their insane parlance). i mean, i gotta say, the last thing i'm thinking about when i'm sadly perusing the american apparel racks for any sign of medium or large underpants instead of their ubiquitous small ones is, "boy, i wish my ass was bigger!"

also their website looks like what i imagine is inside of julia allison's mind.

a thought

i am certain that there is nothing nerdier you can do, without stooping to involving sci-fi, than go see flight of the conchords live at town hall.

just in time for the awesome part of the year

broheems, let us do this thing! i hope the bbq and firepit's forthcomingness doesn't mean "in 2010" or something.

oh, and no bitching about having to take the 2/3 there; if i have it my way, it will be convenient to me so deal with it.

Monday, April 21

dear dennis green,

never fucking change.

UPDATE: in related news, give it up, you douchetards. you went 18-1. you think you gonna hit perfection next year? you think the DAMNING, AWFUL, TRAUMATIC, TERRIBLE, MOST EMBARRASSING WAY TO LOSE EVER ie in the final game of the season, ie the championship game, to the goddamned ny giants of all people...well, you think the players are gonna actually overcome that and not turn into terrible basket cases, rocking back and forth in their locker room, softly whispering to themselves, "18-1...18-1"? really? cos, like, i don't. and i'm an expert on crippling failure and depression!

i didn't come here to fight, just as long as that ain't white

seriously? this is the lead op-ed in my daily "today's headlines" e-mail! nothing else worth talking about in the world than the fact that this dude doesn't like the way wine glasses are overfilled? don't get me wrong. i agree with this bro. if you order a bottle of wine, they should not be filling the damn thing to the brim (if you're ordering by the glass, it's a different story, but that's because i'm an alcholic pretending to be a connoisseur). you're paying way, way, way more than the wine would cost anywhere else and you have a right to enjoy it in the proper fashion. the american wine industry and its rush to put any old crap out on the market has done intense harm to the wine industry! most california wines are terrible! i'll only drink the most expensive of the vineyards out there, if given a choice, and i have a friend who lives in san francisco yet will not touch a napa valley offering. this opinion piece, despite being the most obnoxiously written thing i've read all day (and i read that thing about the pope and the cat ladies), is 100% on the money.

but honestly.

Saturday, April 19

"i still don't know what [the phrase 'tenth avenue freeze-out'] means! but it's important!"

it's apparently e street band night on vh1 classics! i'll be up 'til 6. GOOD THING I STAYED HOME SO I COULD GET SOME REST!

UPDATE: what i have learned: stevie apparently showed up three times during the 47 years it took to record born to run, to tell them they're doin it wrong. also: why did they ditch the hat thing?

UPDATE 2: what i have further learned: it ended. they segued from "born to run" to metal hour, which started with RUN TO THE HILLS BY IRON MAIDEN. the theory is, i'm angry whenever anyone turns off sprinsgsteen. but...this case? ok, most awesome thing you could've done beside play more springsteen. then i discovered "jackass" is on, so it is like a cacophony of men i inexplicably would leave anyone, ever, including george clooney, for. the only way things could get more vagina-wetting (oh, is that too jezebel?) is if al pacino showed up. i'm sure amc will be showing one of the godfathers within the hour though, so hope is here.

Friday, April 18

a debate of some import, held via youtube: it's the new new thing



otm thought of the day from the internets

"LCD Soundsystem should totally go for a 'Sledgehammer'/'Big Time' on album number three"

my new go-to lunch place

this place is like what if the internet (the awesome parts, not the huffpo parts) was a restaurant.

anal cunt are ultimate bros

new album tracklisting supposedly, i have bolded the important song

01. Buy This CD So I Can Pay My Medical Bills
02. You're Not Crust, You're Just A Dirty Spic
03. Miscarriages Are God's Way of Telling You That You're A Failure
04. Theme From Charles In Charge
05. You Go To A Community College
06. If You Didn't Want To Be Raped, You Shouldn't Have Been Born A Woman
07. I Laughed Because Your Son Is In A Wheelchair
08. I Went Back In Time And Voted For George W. Bush
09. You Have A Goatee
10. Cutting In Front of God Forbid In The Welfare Line
11. The Pedophile Wasn't The Biggest Fag In Decrepit Birth
12. Stealing Shawn Whitaker's Coke
13. You're A School Crossing Guard
14. You Read Conspiracy Theories On The Internet Because You Have No Life
15. Even We Have Better Customer Service Than Neurotic Records
16. You Look Like You Get Financial Aid
17. Earth Crisis Are Only Straight Edge Because You Can't Suck Cock And Do Coke At The Same Time
18. I Told You I Put You On The Guest List, But I Lied
19. You Look Pro-Life
20. This CD Installed Spyware On Your Computer
21. I Posted A Video of Me Running Over Your Dog On YouTube
22. You Collect Food Stamps
23. I Edited Your Band's Wikipedia Page To Say That You're All Gay
24. 18-1
25. I Hit Your Wife For You Because You Were Too Much of A Pussy To Put Her In Her Place
26. The Kitchen: Get In It
27. You Look Like You Take Public Transportation
28. I Had Your Grandmother Deported Because You Parked In My Driveway
29. Your Husband Is A Garbage Man
30. I Didn't Accept Your Friend Request On MySpace Because You're A Jew
31. God Hates Fags
32. Mandatory Abortions For Scene Kids
33. Laughing While I Cross Your Picket Line
34. You Have A Xanga
35. You Drive A Bus
36. Anyone Who Votes For Hilary Clinton Is A Faggot
37. I Hacked Your Facebook And Sent Your Nudes To Everyone In Your Class
38. Decapitated Should've Flipped Their Van Before They Recorded Organic Hallucinosis
39. I Put Up The Bail Money For The Guy Who Raped You So That He Could Rape You Again
40. I Hit You Because I Love You
41. You Joined The National Guard, But You Were Sent To Iraq
42. Tipping Off The Authorities About OiNK
43. Impetigo Reunited? Yeah, No One Cared
44. Physical Therapy To Learn How To Walk Again Is Gay
45. Job For A Talentless Faggot
46. No One Listens To Anal Blast
47. I Jerked Off To Your Baby Pictures
48. Punching The Ugly Cunt From Arch Enemy In The Face Backstage
49. You Watch The View To Reinforce Your Own Stupid Opinions
50. You're Only A Promoter So Your Shitty Band Can Get On Shows
51. Willowtip Is Afraid To Sign Us
52. Picnic of Love Was Sarcastic, I Really Think You're A Worthless Cunt
53. Roseanne Barr
54. I'm Voting For John McCain Because He Doesn't Like Gooks
55. Look Back And Laugh At Sexist Jokes
56. I Was Going To Do An Interview For Lambgoat, But They Tried To Grab My Dick
57. You Look Like You Get Paid Minimum Wage
58. If I Cared About An At The Gates Reunion, I'd Be A Faggot
59. Even Though I Agree With The Majority of Your Political Stances, You're Still A Fucking Nigger
60. I Bought Schindler's List On Blu-Ray So I Could Watch The Jews Be Tortured In High Definition
61. I Came Inside Your Wife 10 Minutes Before You Went Down On Her
62. I Know Your Band Sucks Because You Signed To Ferret
63. You Wear A Youth Medium, Even Though You're A Large
64. Your Girlfriend Listens To Devourment Because She's Fat And Realizes She's Ugly
65. You're Tighter Than Your Daughter
66. Woman Is The Nigger of the World (bonus cover)


so i guess instead of making fun of the times article about it, i should just mention record store day which is tomorrow. it should've been eight years ago if they actually wanted to save this model of business but whatever! it's not like having a special day for it will actually make people support local businesses, just ask every local business ever. i'm also not 100% sure that the type of people they are marketing this to--people who would find a live performance by peanut butter wolf to be a bonus to their shopping experience--are the type of people they need to be marketing this to. i don't think the failure of indie record stores has much to do with people who already go to them, constantly and obsessively. but! stop by your local record store, if you even still have one (n.b. i am aware that the only people reading this are ross and jon--you two go to ian's store--and michael--go to amoeba, i guess? i hate that place--but let's pretend i have many, many readers now).

oh, and the website for record store day is terrible and slow and has multiple dead links in its press section. wtf? way to go, guys. but it does provide the world with some amazing quotes from artists about record store day! i'll excerpt some of the best for you here:

"I buy CDs all the time. I'll go into a record store and just buy $500 worth of CDs. I will! I am singlehandedly supporting what's left of the record business." - Bruce Springsteen, exhibiting a rather bizarre and uncharacteristic delusion of grandeur

"Yes, yes, I know. It's easier to download music, and probably cheaper. But what's playing on your favourite download store when you walk into it?" - Nick Hornby, apparently not realizing that many of us would like to just listen to our own music while we browse the internet, and not be forced to listen to what some jackass at kim's thinks is totally awesome this week (my guess for today: vampire weekend! it'd be a vast improvement over what some jackass at kim's usually listens to, so maybe not)

"God only knows what I would be doing now had it not been for the records that l have loved as a result of buying records." - Mark Gardener, speaking in code

"Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother." - Ian Gillan (i don't doubt his claim)

"rock'n'roll needs to be seen, touched, smelled, and tasted just as much as heard." - Sammy James of the mooney suzuki, a band that i am 100% certain that i never, ever want to smell or taste

"You can't roll a joint on an iPod - buy vinyl!" - Shelby Lynne (servicey! and that's the word)

in other news, i need to go back to bed.

UPDATE: you know, i picked vampire weekend up there because they are from columbia (finally, someone from my alma matter is striking a blow against the nyu kids' hegemony of the new york cultural landscape! by, um, singing songs about cape cod and sweaters and ivy leaguey shit like that and pretending to not be the talking headsenglish beat. oh dear. well, i like "walcott" and "campus"), and therefore i have this imaginary world where kim's uptown would be playing them nonstop in some kind of solidarity movement, because it was funny to me. but let's be honest, they're still playing the fucking russian futurists.

so today is basically terrible

danny federici died. r.i.p.

posting live from 1997

from the new york times: "NOW added to the endangered species list in New York City, along with independent booksellers and shoe repair: the neighborhood record store."

yuppie hangovers require yuppie cures

i'm not sure we needed the pink champagne. this is gonna be like a 2, 3 vitamin water day.

Thursday, April 17

what we have here is a failure to communicate

LONG ISLAND CITY, NY – April 17, 2008 – FreshDirect, one of the nation’s leading online gourmet grocers and prepared food purveyors, announced today its plans to heed growing customer demand and expand its delivery services to reach the Brooklyn neighborhoods of Bedford Stuyvesant (“Bed Stuy”), Crown Heights, Red Hook and more. The new delivery areas are now open for delivery service, giving residents a whole new way to shop for the best in fresh produce, competitively priced groceries, and mouthwatering prepared food.

when i go to the website and enter 11233 (my zip code, in bed-stuy), i am informed that delivery service is not available in my neighborhood. i looked at their available zones list and it really hasn't changed much; there's about 4-5 new zips, each of which are asterisked, to indicate that they only deliver to "part" of that zipcode.

so, um, ok. i guess being willing to venture a block into each of these dirty, filthy ghettos is worth a major press release these days. "LONG ISLAND CITY, NY - April 17, 2008 - we're slowly overcoming our fears of the blacks!"

(i wonder if this is how reaghan roper and kristy rivera of mmw group hoped i'd use their press release? keep me updated, ladies! maybe by the time i've moved to a nicer neighborhood, away from my godawful stereotype of a next-door neighbor family, you'll be within twenty blocks of the place. of course, i won't need your service then, since i will live in a neighborhood that has a reasonable grocery store, but you know, i like to know things and all that.)

a thought

it angers me that people like banksy get so much attention for essentially making what appear to be t-shirt graphics and being a generally daft thing that exists, while true artists like blelvis are resigned to being merely local folk heroes.


this isn't really exactly what i had in mind when i searched youtube a moment ago but what the hell, why not?

Wednesday, April 16

finally, something good on youtube.

(kudos to honjudgesmails for showing me this one)

this just looks wrong


UPDATE: everyone else is mystified by susan's anime tits too. are they normally around her knees that a push-up bra can create this much extra volume? is she pregnant? did she get implants to prepare for her role as an aged stripper? what gives? i'm fascinated. it doesn't look like she's gained noticable weight anywhere else!

strap your hands cross obama's engines

so bruce springsteen, in a shocking move, has come out as an obama supporter, stating that obama "speaks to the America [he has] envisioned in [his] music for the past 35 years." first of all, thirty-five years? holy shit. secondly, i've decided we need to make some poster slogans for obama's campaign. here are a few samples to kick-start the juices, get in on the game in the comments:

a candidate for all of you whose tires were slashed and you almost crashed but the lord had mercy

when you poke a dead dog with a stick, do you hope the dog gets up and runs?

make the change happen uptown and let obama join the band

now your turn.

UPDATE: i'd like the record to show that i wrote this at 11am, per the timestamp on the post, long before my jerk-ass boyfriend stole my obvious joke for his website! omgwtf! i'm going to start a blog fight with him! which will make this the second time in my life i've had a blog fight over bruce springsteen with a boyfriend which is amazing. and gay.

Tuesday, April 15

every list about dc should just be a "worst-of" list

so whatever, i never want to read gridskipper ever because i'm still fairly convinced that the "staff of multiple writers" are actually pseudonyms for one person blogging from where he is chained up in nick denton's basement, unable to actually visit any of the places his personalities are writing about, but i still click on links to gridskipper luring me with titles like "dc's most overrated restaurants." the list is surprisingly okay and accurate (LAURIOL PLAZA IS EASILY THE WORST PLACE EAST OF THE MISSISSIPPI, NEVER MIND D.C.) except...jaleo and bistro du coin? really? did ms. reichert, a.k.a. the figment of the chained blogger's imagination, go to these places once? did i only go to these places at great times? i've never waited on a fucking line at jaleo and their sangria is the bomb! there is usually a wait at bistro du coin but the food is good and i've never had a rude waiter there (for what it is worth, i truly believe you usually get treated by waiters exactly as you deserve; perhaps "catherine reichert" is getting bad service at every restaurant in d.c. for reasons unrelated to the reliability of the waitstaff? just a thought).

restaurants that should've been on the list instead of the two above:
ben's chili bowl: shut the fuck up, every single one of you. it's hot dogs and chili. and it is not even good chili; it is greasy, disgusting chili for the very drunk or those who have never been out of d.c. to have better chili elsewhere. even if it was good chili, there should not be a line for it longer than the ones at bistro du coin. it's hot dogs and chili. the late night insanity there makes nathan's look like a cakewalk, and nathan's serves beer in 44oz cups, is actually tasty, and resides on coney island, not fucking u street. true story: one night, my ex's drunken friend yelled, in the middle of ben's, "some homeless negro stole my chili dog." first of all, this is not ok to say anywhere. secondly, i was briefly completely convinced my life was going to end there and then, in ben's fucking chili bowl.

every pizza place in d.c.: jumbo slice has 6,000 calories in it. i'm not making this up. and you're eating three of them. nice job, nova girl. no wonder you don't fit into that halter top you insist on parading up and down 18th street in! another thing to keep in mind is that, similar to the ben's issue above, it's pizza. not free cocaine or something. pizza. there is another place to get pizza, generally four doors down from wherever you are standing in line. there is no need for anyone to start fistfights over pizza. despite this fact, i have seen at least seven fistfights over the pizza line.

sub-category: 2 amy's: yes. the pizza at 2 amy's is good, especially compared to almost everything else d.c. has to offer in terms of pizza. that being said, going to 2 amy's is like waiting on a 2 hour line to be ushered into a daycare full of colicky babies. do not want, especially when spinoff red rocks existed. i mean, it's not 2 amy's in that you don't have to wait on a line, which is apparently the favorite pasttime of every single resident of d.c., but the pizza is the same/better and the children were strangely absent.

taberna del alabardero: i am just saying this because i cannot afford to go to such a place.

there you go. you can thank me later, gridskipper.

i'm allowed to make such an obvious, terrible joke because my boyfriend is younger than me

"Cougars have a huge range and do not stay where you put them. Most cougars who get relocated out here(arizona) end up shot regardless because the ones that are seen and encrouch are curious and aggressive. May as well weed them out and encourage them to be even more elusive."
— Posted by Tucson Jon

(also what does this picture mean?)

there has been a massive failure in communication here, guys

where is adam schefter?

i have found it!

the best bar in soho!


"mushroom margarita"? the reason white russian is listed under solids is because it is full of rice krispies btw.

D: x a million

let's all go there thursday, instead of rockstar.

Monday, April 14


why would someone buy this?

Friday, April 11

the reasons photoshop should NOT be banned (part 1 in a one-part series)

there is a slight fail, of course, because nothing in this world can be actually perfect and good and pleasing to me. obama's cigarette should be unlit. his hands are perfectly positioned to be lighting a match!

UPDATE: it is dangerous to go alone. i made you this:

"what it has is a provocatively dressed woman straddling a hamburger, and she's very busty and its kind of really horrible"

the only question i really have about this bizzare michigan burger joint controversy is why are the gays so angry about it? since when do gay men hate A) western wear B) boobs C) camp? there's nothing more relevant to "the cause" up there than the logo of a random burger shack? seriously?

i love the (female) owner's claim that she showed the logo to, like, 100 people and they were all ok with it. that's basically how lawyering works, too.

omg everybody check it out! it's that ipod girl's new single!

ross just sent me the link to the new constantines + feist cover of "islands in the stream"! i don't know how to feel about it.

i mean, besides the feeling that i hope, very, very much, that feist gets hit by a helicopter, like that doctor on e.r. did, twice.

dear person who needs to PUT ON A FUCKING SHIRT, gross!

if you are going to rip into moe tkacik by parodying her out of the blue, please keep in mind that, no matter how adept and funny you find your parody to be, if it takes your readers thirteen tries to get through the paragraph, it's probably not that funny. i'm not even sure what you're trying to say, besides "i'm clever and i don't like this person." which, by the way, would be a funnier thing to post on your blog! watch:

i'm ally! i'm clever! i don't like this person!

n.b.: the one with the giant head in the red shirt, fuckheadrob, is the person i am talking about, fyi

see? now that is funny!

by the way, i want those five minutes of my life back.

sincerely yours,

UPDATE: josh's post is apparently a dig on tracie. A) i am 10000000% for making fun of tracie so i take back my bitchiness B) does this make it funnier that his post reads like moe, or...just weird?

godspeed, bro

i'm pretty sure she'll see this. i hear she likes guys with beards.

staten island love affair, day 16

here's a list of all the things we're going to do when we visit staten island. who wants to come?

Thursday, April 10


how do you fuck a mermaid?

not this one, but you know, a mermaid in general.

UPDATE: apparently alex knew where to find the answer. "Males do have a penis, but it is almost as small as a human female clitoris and is the same color as the tail;" do not want.

news everyone can use

Ally completed the quiz "Which singer are you?" and the result is Bruce Springsteen.

oh dear

well, this should upset alex s. and some other people i know. they have alice cooper records inside decorating the walls, guys, so everything is ok. no frowny faces tonight!

this would never have happened in staten island.

Wednesday, April 9

post-vacation thoughts

alex: i think i'd like to live on an island, some day. it seems like a nice life to have to ride on a boat every day!
me: well, i know just the place for you!

yachting life

seems further away, originally uploaded by allyzay.

hi! i'm back from martha's vineyard! did you miss me? were you unable to live without me? did you cry? haha you're a pussy!

j/k! it's ok to be sensitive and cry in the club and everything, it's the '00s. i have never been to martha's vineyard before, so this was, officially, an adventure. it was a pretty fun adventure! except for the part where i had to get on an amtrak. that always sucks, and i always prefer to bus going to boston, but never argue the point because every self-professed northeast corridor expert argues with me, because living in new york virtually my entire life and seemingly exclusively dating boys who live outside of new york city is probably not enough experience with the transits to be a judge of these things, that the bus is "always" late and "always" takes 800 hours neither of which thing is remotely true and then i just get angry when the amtrak is inevitably a half-hour or more late and then everyone i'm with hates me for at least a couple hours and then i get all cry-face or stab-face or sometimes bang-bus and then i forget about it and get on the amtrak again a couple days later, after vowing to never give them another dime.

ahem. anyway!

after the above-referenced, never-to-be-spoken-of-again five hours of start, the vacation was totally fun! it was chilly. and very quiet and dead. apparently the season begins next weekend! whoops. as will, possibly, the end of the alcohol prohibition in the town we stayed in. whoops! (yes, that is a subscriber-only link. why the hell this newspaper expects you to pay $30 to read the letters to the editor is beyond me. you get the idea.) thankfully, wet towns, honky tonk towns, dirty filth havens of booze...they were only 10 minutes away by bus.

these supposedly honky tonk dens of depravity were pretty much like what i imagine a 4 year old thinks a crazy bar is like. maybe they are more like tijuana when the season begins. our first stop on the island, because nothing was open at all after 9:30 besides like three places, was sharky's cantina, a quaint shark-themed mexican joint. they sold t-shirts that said "lime disease" on them! i had a ginger margarita, and it was delicious. then i had some kind of lobster taco. you read that right. i said lobster taco. WHY HAS NO ONE ELSE THOUGHT TO PUT LOBSTERS IN MEXICAN FOOD? combining all the deliciousness of the world into one thing! perhaps we've all just assumed it was reaching too high, too soon? alex had a lobster burrito. lobster burrito! i decided that i liked massachusetts during this excursion.

the next day, we walked something like 73 miles. stores were not really open owing to it being sunday in puritainville, so it seemed a good idea. it was! except for the fact that i made us keep running down to the beach in what seemed to be 5 degree weather. but that was totally fun, even though alex now seems to be ill. anyway, we ended up at a place called newes from america which was like quainty mcquaintville. i don't remember what i ate, actually, but they had beers in huge ass glasses and gave you wooden nickels for drinking them. if you collect something like 8 trillion wooden nickels, they would put a sign on a bar stool that denotes the bar stool is named after you, drunky mcdrunkerton of the chappaquiddick mcdrunkertons. i also had a coffee with frangelico in it, but apparently that got me no closer to my goal of owning a bar stool, since you won zero nickels for drinking gay lady drinks. i have three nickels, so if anyone has nickels they'd like to donate to my cause, please let me know.

we wandered around a bunch more looking at really random things and running around and basically looking like idiots, jumping off of buses in the middle of nowhere and running towards beaches, but whatever. then it was time for dinner, which we decided would be back in dry vineyard haven, at le grenier. it makes absolutely no sense to go to a french restaurant without drinking wine, so of course we went to the "package store" (ha ha! what does it mean!?) and got a bottle of chinon. this was delicious! i was even allowed to eat dessert (i would be denied this the next night, when i drunkenly tried to get an almond joy out of the mini-bar in our room), which was bananas flambe, which everyone knows means ON FIRE BANANAS COVERED IN RUM.

the next day we ended up back at sharky's because LOBSTER QUESADILLAS. after going shopping and playing with dogs and stuff like that, we went to offshore ale for drinks. this is a great place. the floor is covered in peanut shells! there's a fireplace! it's a microbrewery! they do a 2-for-1 entree special?!?! what the hell? unfortunately we were not hungry owing to LOBSTER QUESADILLAS, but we did purchase a jug of beer, and a six pack to accompany us to the movie later that evening.


anyway, there was some other shit too but i don't really remember every damn detail. i'm not a tape recorder. it was totally fun being in a completely bizarro world, everyone was super nice and i was like, massachusetts rules! until we had to spend one (1) hour in boston waiting for our transfer and i realized, hell no.

oh, finally, their newspaper? amazing.

if you want to see the rest of my pictures, click here and gawk at alex standing around in cloudy weather to your heart's content.

UPDATE: mussels! i ate mussels at newes from america, and they were very delicious! i tried to only eat seafood. because i think that is the law there?

Monday, April 7

happy unofficial repeal of prohibition day!

on this date in 1933, the beer revenue act went into effect. the beer revenue act was an interim law put into place by franklin delano roosevelt, a.k.a. our biggest presidential bro, as a middle man between the legal end of prohibition (signed into law in march 1933) and the date the new amendment would actually be ratified into law. the beer revenue act allowed americans to once again legally purchase booze as an emergency measure until the original amendment illegalizing our favorite of drugs no longer was valid.

raise many a glass to fdr tonight. he was a man who not only ended prohibition, but made it legal to drink while we were waiting for that bullshit to end as well.

Friday, April 4

so i need to ask again, whatever happened to that subscription to cosmo my grandma bought me?

cosmo readers mocked up their own cosmo covers and submitted them for ridicule on the public internets back in 2007. best headlines:

the 'make him squirt' one above
'the cowgirl way...on a horse'
'feel sexy INTENSELY...could your man be gay?' (this one is mad wtf)
'flares: going on 5 years! how did they DO it?'
'does being slim mean everything?'
'stop Pro-castinating' (that is exactly how it is written)
'16 erotic make-up tips!'

i mean, i would buy a magazine with those articles on the cover, for real.

tip: if you want to see more, just add -4 etc to the url, the pages don't link to one another but there's totes a bunch of them.


seriously, shut the fuck up.

While I understand your point, the fact that you can get in to the calendar (if you try for days and days and finally get lucky), try to select a time and then not have any available is ludicrous. Once into the calendar, you should have a lock on whatever times are available.

this doesn't make any sense. is it really that important to get into this stupid restaurant that you are going to fire off this many e-mails to some developer who really, really doesn't give a shit that you aren't going to be able to go eat your poncey umami-scented scallop fetuses or whatever? they got things to do! a thought: maybe if you weren't harassing the developers all day with your "look at me i'm old and don't understand how the computers thing works" nonsense, they would have time to finesse the code and improve the speed on the site!

not that it would improve the speed on your crippled, arthritic, old man fingers, or your comprehension of calendars, which is really the bit that needs to be improved.


* except staten island which is made of ponies and sunshine.

UPDATE: staten island is technically in new york?!?! wonders never cease with this magical island!

advances have been made in the bacon cups

bacon bra, originally uploaded by bkusler.

Thursday, April 3

news i can use!

in 2002, someone apparently reviewed my old blog! which was much better written than this one and despite his (perfectly accurate) claims of clunkier design it was much prettier than this one and had like serious reviews and articles i had written about sports and stuff like that but i'm unclear as to why some shadowy, now-defunct website assigned this random person to review the personal blog of a 20-year-old girl. even if i was being inexplicably name-dropped in interviews by chuck eddy at the time.

in another universe, i would've leveraged this nerd fame to become julia allison. i should've called william morris!

thursday free discussion thread!


to my friends at gawker,

i'm pretty sure you guys don't venture above soho that often, but no one thinks there's anything odd about this anderson cooper sighting? or are you implying that, wherever anderson cooper is, he brings the chelsea with him?

thank you,
a person who used to live just north of columbus circle, yet never anywhere near chelsea

ps ross helped with this post

it is a mess!

this is amazing! thanks alex in nyc! your pain of being forced to sit through yo gabba gabba and the big comfy couch has made my day a little bit better. it is a mess!

a GIRL dilemma

i am kind of into this dress:

however--and i tell you, i said to alex, "i don't like that pattern," when i first saw this dress in the old navy coupon mailer--i don't like that pattern. i mean, click thru to the link and look at the large detail of it. it looks like a not-abstract-enough wall of vagina. is it just me? not all of the pattern but...enough of it.

i fear that i'd wear that dress, get drunk, and start announcing to everyone, "behold the vagina dress!" and then laugh way more than that is worth laughing at, and be embarrassed at 5pm the next day, when i awake.

it WOULD be free...

the only way i'm willing to see the travesty that will be the wachowski's speed racer is if i can use my press passes to attend this screening for free. otherwise, that movie remains dead to me.

something more worthwhile:

UPDATE: i'm going to the wadja film in the pre-festival instead but maybe also other films because there are literally hundreds to choose from! i'm the movie monster today!

sometimes the world is awesome

the telegraph has a little article about one of the awesomest dudes on flickr.

i married a mermaid - m4w

"The shoeshine boys roll by kicking tin cans and whistling a lonely tune. Last thing on his mind right now is a spit shine on his favourite cognac wingtips. But no shine means no cerveza for señorita Saturday night. That's the way the world works. That's the economy in a peanut shell. And it seemed like every little trinket on his desk was hiding its face. A little dragon hides its fierce face behind the framed photo of his wife when she was a kid with a green top hat covering her entire head. A miniature easel frame of Daniel Striped Tiger faces the wall. Even the old black and white postcard of Frida in Diego's big blue overalls seems to be zoning out. Frida staring blankly at something off camera while bathing in the shadows of tree branches in an alley betwixt two houses. Everyone here has someplace they'd rather be. I sat in that car with her for hours just listening to the rain tap dancing on the ragtop. We killed the radio and hit the lights and just sat back and exhaled. It was a long drive from here to there but now we were together at last and alone. Nothing and no one in our rearview except our home. She nudged her small paws into my hands and closed her eyes. I cracked the window just a bit to let the intoxicating smell of wet asphalt in. I watched the steam rise over the dash. Our heat made fog. Lost at sea I heard a buoy's bell clanging desperately. I couldn't imagine life as a buoy. Must be so lonely out there, just you and the tide. I opened my eyes to see if she was still asleep and she was watching me. I looked down and her feet had become fusiform fins just like in the comic books and the movies. She was a mermaid at last. I drove her to the shore and she said goodbye to all her friends. There were whales and porpoises, a crown-of-thorns starfish and a school of beautiful pilot fish. There were Sea turtles and that old chinstrap penguin she'd told me about. I fell in love with the sea otters and gannets most of all. It was bittersweet. Like Czechslovokian chocolate."

it's april 3rd, so i am assuming this isn't a prank

um, the new kids on the block are reuniting? also, they have a website? that actually alarms me a little more because i see no reason as to why that website would exist since everyone knows the internet was invented in 1997, many years after the new kids stopped existing. though clicking on the website reveals that jonathan knight is looking pretty hot and poor-man's-paul-rudd-y these days! anyway, i guess they're going to be on the today show on friday so i better call in sick! OR NOT because what the fuck? i actually heard a new kids song--for the first time since i was maybe 12--in a n upscale diner the other day. first of all, why were they playing this? secondly, it was so terrible. i mean, honest to god, i can hear a tiffany single or a debbie gibson single now and be like, yeah, i know why i liked that song! "i think we're alone now" is totes awesome! but there wasn't a single redeeming feature to this song and i was just like, really? people compared awesome bands like the backstreet boys to this band? jesus! this is the song in question, if you really want to hit the '90s:

(the video is AMAZINGLY bad; it makes the video for "she's like the wind" look like "sensual seduction" level of art)

another thing is, didn't donnie wahlberg become a serious actor? why is he embarrassing himself all over again? it took a while to get rid of the stain!

i hope they're going to tour with martika and marky mark! that would be so rad! oh my god! p.s. i still own both of marky mark's albums, which i have never listened to but they cost $0.99 each so whatevs. my favorite is the one where he and his posse are posing like badasses in front of a saab.

Wednesday, April 2

dear top chef losers

i can think of at least one very well off company that disagrees with your bitchy "guarantee" that chocolate and wasabi "do not taste good." but keep on making gummy fresh pasta. maybe one week a college student will be the judge! or chef boyardee! dream the dream.

being a kid is like being really drunk

more info about staten island

there's a beach! with a bathhouse. ;)

battlestar galactica: should we get in on it?

more info about this "staten island" the kids are raving about

meowrson welles says: i'm quoting this wholesale from another website, but i thought it would be helpful for all of you planning your upcoming trip to the land of mystery, "staten island". i am of no help, having only been there once or twice and having done very little while there, besides wonder how such a thing occurred. anyway:

“My boyfriend and I did this last year and we’re still talking about it. We took the ferry and then navigated Staten Island by bus. Neither one of us had ever done that before, so it felt like a vacation. Start off the afternoon at the Staten Island Zoo (614 Broadway between Colonial Ct and Harvest Ave, Staten Island; 718-442-3100). It’s not as flashy as the other city zoos, but it has lots of character and an aquarium. Then stop by Snug Harbor to see the Chinese Scholar’s Garden (Staten Island Botanical Gardens, 1000 Richmond Terrace at Delafield Pl, Staten Island; 718-273-8200). Meandering paths and delicate footbridges create an atmosphere of romantic discovery, and while we would’ve preferred it if the overzealous guide allowed us to appreciate the architecture on our own, she did provide interesting tidbits we still reference today. We topped off the excursion with dinner at Adobe Blues, a Tex-Mex spot with a roaring fire (65 Lafayette Ave, Staten Island; 718-720-2583). It’s a pleasant mix of culture, kitsch and city exploration.” - Dan

discussion of the day, #2

is it just because where i live sucks, and i am blinded by this, or is staten island actually ok? st. george seems like it'd be fun! they have enormous places to live for not very much money! the ferry terminal is full of tropical fish! the mta is spending $500 million to redo the south ferry terminal to appease these mysterious staten islandites (lol 2nd ave subway sux 2 b u).

it is a mystery...or is it? does anyone really know anything about staten island? all i know of these people is that they find meowrson welles ridiculous.

i am thinking, that once i get back from martha's vineyard, we should organize a group outing to staten island, to find out what is going on there.

(this is apparently a girl from staten island, she is #3 gis result for "staten island")

UPDATE: there's a trailer park there! by the bridge, not by the fish ferry, but still!

i've gotta move to an island somewhere, become one of those boat tour guides

white people have way too much fucking money.


guys it's a smoking turtle!

not to get all like JEZEBEL on your ass

...and link to stupid ass daily mail stories but i can't even wrap my head around what this one even means! what is wrong with her legs?! i don't even understand what they're trying to say about her knees at all. they look like knees. they're bigger than mine. so are her tits. they're smaller than a fat person's. so are her tits. why am i trying to understand this article?

a thought

i'd like "knutrolling" to be the new "rickrolling". how do we make this happen? discuss.