Thursday, May 22

i have lived my life incorrectly

because i am not this person.

Monday, May 19

last bit of nostalgia for the day

2001 was really weird-looking.

april 3, 2001 im conversation with my mom

Garance80: i have to go make a boca burger, I will be back in three minutes exactly.
Lydk: whoa is me,,,,,woe is me,,,,,,wo is me,,,,,
Lydk: do you think it can be spelled wwo like two?
Lydk: maybe wto
Lydk: for god's sake don't make me amuse myself!!!
Lydk: come back and talk to me
Lydk: Damn boca burger
Lydk: it thinks its so special
Lydk: I hate you boca burger
Lydk: you're not even meat
Lydk: this is a very long three minutes
Lydk: i think you are doing something else
Lydk: like smoking!
Lydk: here kitty kitty
Garance80: I AM BACK

(elapsed time: 4 minutes)

items found from the past

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Subject: There is a light and it never goes out

My fucking light is broken. I know what you're saying, the same thing they said at property management:

Me: My light in my kitchen is broke, who would fix it?
Justine: Um, you. Change the light bulb. Duh.
Me: That's not what I meant.

I don't mean it like that! The light is broken in that there is too much light, i.e. it refuses to shut off. I can pull on the chain all day and night, and the thing won't turn off. The ceilings are very high, so even with a chair, it's a struggle to reach the light in order to twist the bulb out, so I decided to leave it be.

Three sleepless hours later, I was ready to grab a slingshot and smash the damn thing. So I took life into my hands, teetered precariously on a chair plus pillows with no one to steady me...and, um, fell flat on my face when the cat jumped on the chair and slipped me up. Nasty bruises aside, I did get the light off and now someone will come fix it tomorrow. My only question about it is how on earth does such a thing happen? One day, the light works like any light, shutting on and off like the way you always imagine it will. Next day, it's rebelling against you, much like my cable box which keeps shutting off for no reason. The mechanics are out to get me and there's really little I can do about it, except quell the rebellion by asking the handyman to come in and rip the light to pieces and rebuild it into a good light.

So, yeah, anyhow, I smashed my head really hard last night on the fridge when I fell. Can you tell? I started laughing hysterically. With all the banging and noise, I'm sure my asshole downstairs neighbor complained about my wild sex life again today. If he only knew the truth!

Friday, May 16

what is this type of fish called?

i want to have one (1) of it but i don't know how to procure. is it a smilefish? the url says "smile" in it which is why i made up this obviously fake name. tell me all the tales of this animal, please.

signs of mental illness #173 and 174

1) i have been hanging out at this insane face transformer website making all of you into beautiful ladies.
2) i was genuinely surprised when facial features like beards hindered the beautiful lady process.

everyone do it! send me your results! i'm bored!

when i put my tony staff photo into the manga-izer, it basically gave me this:

what the hell is that about? also the man-me looked like my dad so i think this internets website is a 100% accurate experiment in reality and should be treated and respected as such. it, like, reads dna or something when it makes you west asian.

new york is the new costa rica

i just saw toby from the office this morning! he was walking a cocker spaniel and talking on a bluetooth headset. yes, i am certain it was him. no, i have no idea why the hell he was on 35th and 9th. maybe staying in a hotel? maybe he's gone to work for marithé et françois girbaud. anyway, it's pretty much irrelevant what he was doing. bluetooth headset and a cocker spaniel seem so douchey! no wonder michael hated him!

kinda irritated it wasn't jim, honestly, because that probably would've brightened my mood more.

Thursday, May 15

consider this a birthday gift to me


(i haven't been able to think clearly enough recently to write or like even attempt to be funny or entertaining, sorry guys)

Monday, May 12

i'm the only person who understands anything anymore

"There was not a single moment that I thought [Indy] . . . was in any sort of peril or even significant inconvenience."

omfg of course there wasn't because INDIANA JONES IS IMMORTAL. also, maybe he's not because somehow the cup of christ didn't like "take" or something, but whatever! did you actually think he was in any sort of peril in any of the other movies? if so: you are a retard!

it's too early in the morning for me to read the post. i don't even care about this movie, i mean it's going to suck!

Friday, May 9


my newest favorite website!

i'm a little sleep deprived. i was doing this last night so i'm pretty out of it today!

Thursday, May 8

saturday night am i rite?

see, this is what the film medium was created for. not things like speed racer or what happens in vegas or scarlet johansson staring creepily.

Wednesday, May 7

final update from martha's vineyard

honestly? two votes? the terrorists truly have won.

for those of you who don't remember our previous notes on this monumental vote, tisbury wasn't voting to like, let a bunch of saloons and whorehouses and speakeasies and liquor stores into town. they were voting to allow all, like 3 of their restaurants be allowed to serve beer and wine in them. and, uh, it failed. because apparently three-enough people really, really want to preserve t-shirt shops. which is somehow affected by whether or not i drink a glass of wine with my french food.

oh well, bad luck, everyone! you could always just get on the chappy ferry and drink!

Monday, May 5

i only like books about animals, too

this is really, really long but it is really, really worth it. i mean...the horse on the rocket. wow. i'm too scared to actually play the game, it might just be too big and real for my computer.

Friday, May 2

a handy guide to work excuses

i used to work with a girl who took off work literally at least twice a week. obviously, she eventually got fired for this behavior (like, two or three years into this behavior which makes it kind of amazing), but she really had such great excuses that i didn't think they should ever fire her. my favorite was when she went through a period where one day, she'd be out because she was ovulating and therefore needed to have sex with her husband (she actually told everyone this); the next day, she'd need to be out because she was filing for divorce from her "gay husband." related, truthful events? no one will ever know. anyway, in that spirit, i present to you a handy guide to excuses to getting out of work by ally and alex.

Alex: hm
Ross: ok (edit: in case you are retarded, this is a copy-paste of another conversation, not ross suddenly showing up in our gchat)
new plan
claim I have to let the meter reader in and leave at 2
me: doctor's appt
roommate locked out, need to get key to him
dog died
Alex: lolol apartment's on fire
me: sister in hospital
gas leak
Alex: shark attack
me: monkeys broke out of their barrel
fiancee in car accident
shirt is itchy
Alex: rly hungover
me: girlfriend having an abortion, should really go be there
need to get pretty for party tonight
forgot underpants
Alex: callback for rent audition
me: saw a mouse under desk
Alex: video just went viral
won emmy
me: need to place superdelegate vote
just became julia allison's next geeky bf
felt fat
Alex: maid robot became sentient, asking about creator
me: wanted to watch judge judy instead
found out brooke was eliminated from american idol, became heartbroke
Alex: heard neighbor has some fireworks
me: elvis costello called
need to renew film forum membership
Alex: has intersting offer to check out a man's submarine
me: joining army in hopes of becoming a professional football player
Alex: supposed to be jockey in kentucky derby, totally forgot
me: has to go bail lindsay out of jail again
in process of aging some bourbon, needs to go turn casks
Alex: having puppies
me: heard disneyworld was having a special princess celebration this weekend
Alex: can't say no to annie leibovitz
me: finally actually comin to join elizabeth
got the callback to be on unbeatable banzuki
Alex: has 88 minutes to live
me: forgot about dre
has to go have tina fey's baby
for some reason "the animals" are on tour, got drafted into being in the band
i can do this all day really
Alex: was told by future-cyborg "come with me if you want to live"
^^post these as handy resource for next time ross has a hangover
me: really it's good advice for everyone.

Thursday, May 1

national mvp eli manning: still unstoppable

i am imagining this is an elaborate coke joke. well, not elaborate really.

UPDATE: actually, what the fuck is happening in this picture? is tom coughlin truly so old that i didn't even realize that was him? he looks like joe biden's father.