Friday, May 2

a handy guide to work excuses

i used to work with a girl who took off work literally at least twice a week. obviously, she eventually got fired for this behavior (like, two or three years into this behavior which makes it kind of amazing), but she really had such great excuses that i didn't think they should ever fire her. my favorite was when she went through a period where one day, she'd be out because she was ovulating and therefore needed to have sex with her husband (she actually told everyone this); the next day, she'd need to be out because she was filing for divorce from her "gay husband." related, truthful events? no one will ever know. anyway, in that spirit, i present to you a handy guide to excuses to getting out of work by ally and alex.

Alex: hm
Ross: ok (edit: in case you are retarded, this is a copy-paste of another conversation, not ross suddenly showing up in our gchat)
new plan
claim I have to let the meter reader in and leave at 2
me: doctor's appt
flood
roommate locked out, need to get key to him
dog died
Alex: lolol apartment's on fire
me: sister in hospital
gas leak
ovulation
Alex: shark attack
me: monkeys broke out of their barrel
fiancee in car accident
shirt is itchy
Alex: rly hungover
me: girlfriend having an abortion, should really go be there
need to get pretty for party tonight
forgot underpants
Alex: callback for rent audition
me: saw a mouse under desk
kickball
Alex: video just went viral
won emmy
me: need to place superdelegate vote
just became julia allison's next geeky bf
felt fat
Alex: maid robot became sentient, asking about creator
me: wanted to watch judge judy instead
found out brooke was eliminated from american idol, became heartbroke
Alex: heard neighbor has some fireworks
me: elvis costello called
need to renew film forum membership
Alex: has intersting offer to check out a man's submarine
me: joining army in hopes of becoming a professional football player
Alex: supposed to be jockey in kentucky derby, totally forgot
me: has to go bail lindsay out of jail again
in process of aging some bourbon, needs to go turn casks
Alex: having puppies
me: heard disneyworld was having a special princess celebration this weekend
Alex: can't say no to annie leibovitz
me: finally actually comin to join elizabeth
got the callback to be on unbeatable banzuki
Alex: has 88 minutes to live
me: forgot about dre
has to go have tina fey's baby
for some reason "the animals" are on tour, got drafted into being in the band
i can do this all day really
Alex: was told by future-cyborg "come with me if you want to live"
lol
^^post these as handy resource for next time ross has a hangover
me: really it's good advice for everyone.

3 comments:

Ross said...

Unfortunately, falling asleep on the couch kind of preempts any excuse other than 'rly hungover'.

Hereward said...

"Tse tse fly infestation really messing with my sleep."

rgin said...

"i just found out i live in the rape zone"