Saturday, September 27

wow wow wow

SERIOUS QUESTION: have any of you seen beyond the sea? we just stumbled upon this on ifc and OMG THE LAST HALF HOUR IS SO INSANE! youtube isn't loading for me so i can't find it to show you but holy shit. there is a crazy, crazy, crazy song-and-dance sequence with kevin spacey and little kid kevin spacey WHILE HE'S DYING POSSIBLY HAS ALREADY DIED like some crazed all that jazz meets busby berkeley meets I DON'T EVEN KNOW fever dream. holy crap!! kevin spacey, you sir are a wizard and a scholar!

somewhere, christopher walken is pissed that this bastard spacey gets to do this shit and he doesn't.

in which picks up an article from the onion

so this story, about sarah palin going to a bar. i have questions/statements about it.

1) "irish pub"? that is the name of the bar? are its main competitors "spanish wine lounge" and "gay nightclub"? grow up, philly!
2) haha this bar is on WALNUTS! street! i mean...really?
3) that lady who gave sarah palin $2 for good luck? because of our flourishing economy, that lady now cannot afford to pay her rent in south philly, and lives in a hobo boxcar with ryan and tatum o'neal.*
4) "santorum with lipstick" is the grossest thing anyone has ever written.

in conclusion, this is a made-up story by ridiculous philadelphia attention hogs who are pretending that sarah palin would even visit their city for fear of being beat to death with a claw hammer, or that they would want such a thing as a visit from crazytits mcgee. "irish pub"--what the fuck? honestly.

* i'm watching paper moon, for some reason. i went to make dinner and this is what was on the teevee, when i returned. it was introduced by robert osbourne and sexy, sexy rose mcgowan!

UPDATE: why am i always surprised that madeline kahn had the most hugest rack ever???

referral link of the day

"sam elliott impersonator"

alternate dimensions usually have it up on us in general, i find

there are some people who buy into a dumb, dumb theory that there are numerous alternate universes which are similar to ours, but with slight-yet-meaningful changes that alter the entire landscape. these people are called "superman fans" but bear with me. last night, the alternate universe where mike huckabee and hillary clinton were the nominees had a much more entertaining night! huckabee rambling about frying up possum in a coffeepot, clinton doing that insane finger-pointing tic that she picked up from her crazy husband (and probably saying "horseshit" under her breath, just like john mccain). so much more fun! though maybe neither of them would've said "go swallow your orgy of spending" or whatever.

also the debate would've looked like this, plus hillary:

because it would've been moderated by the most important person in the world, miss tyra banks.

oh well, whatever, debates are usually boring and not all of them can be zingy winners. looking forward to thursday's debate, in which joe biden will bluster endlessly about fdr solving the civil war by going on the XM satellite radio, and sarah palin will counter by threatening to bomb the new york senate, back in 1913, to prevent fdr from coming into power and invading her moose space.

Friday, September 26

so that's clearly sarah and john in the circle insert, but who's the good-looking guy?

have fun at your debate party, kids!

truth in advertising

stem cell research, the most important issue of this election

ok, so now obama is running ads claiming that john mccain is against stem cell research in states like wisconsin (? are they big stem cell research fans in our nation's finest state, the cheese factory state?). here is a couple of things, because why not play that game today.

1) john mccain is a supporter of stem cell research. speculatively speaking, this is because john mccain is 73 billion years old and is starting to show signs of alzheimers*, a disease which might be curable using stem cell advances.
2) john mccain's support of stem cell research is one of the biggest reasons the wackadoodle republican base of psychotics jesus freaks hates mccain (the other being his support of abortion but since john mccain doesn't have a uterus he has switched positions on that one!). sarah palin was inflicted on the world because of stem cell research, basically.

so, ok. obama. you are running an ad that makes john mccain more appealing to crazy people, getting them all motivated back up to vote for captain crazy. it is also a complete lie, that an awful lot of knee-jerk liberal "i hate republicans, all republicans, all the time" dumbasses already believed to be true anyway! so i guess you're trying to get the independents (haha obviously, i'm being facetious before)...but if mccain points out you are lying, then you look bad. but if mccain points out you are lying, then he pisses off the crazies too! omg wtf is this ad secretly the atom bomb to finally destroy the campaigns? because it is an OUROBOROS?

haha no of course not, no one cares about what they show on the teevee in wisconsin. with palin making a horse's ass of herself on national television and mccain flouncing around in his batman suit, obama could probably start running around claiming john mccain is personally responsible for the new terrible season of project runway and sarah palin is a transsexual gay vegan and no one would even notice at all.

* i was convinced until about the age of 8 or 9 that this disease was actually called "old timers" disease, because the words sounded similar and, well, it made sense to me. i finally wrote the words down--god knows why, what the hell kind of short stories was i penning in 3rd grade?--and my mom laughed and laughed.

dog and pony show day 3

But a top aide to Mr. Boehner said it was Democrats who had done the political posturing. The aide, Kevin Smith [N.B.: well there's your problem!], said Republicans revolted, in part, because they were chafing at what they saw as an attempt by Democrats to jam through an agreement on the bailout early Thursday and deny Mr. McCain an opportunity to participate in the agreement.

mr. mccain shouldn't have been participating to begin with, what with no longer being on the responsible committee and having had nothing to do with the negotiations for the fourteen days since this crisis "began" (of course i'm using the word began in scare quotes since it's actually been at least around 10 years coming, but what do i know? i'm no john mccain). rushing around like a bull in a china shop while the adults are trying to shotgun marry jp morgan to his girlfriend, wamu, and figure out how the hell to prevent everything else from collapsing is not presidential or smart or anything that kind of resembles those words! if john mccain wasn't a wealthy senator, he would be in a home right now, with some poor teenaged volunteer patting him on the hand and saying, "of course i'll vote for you, president mccain!" while the nurse surreptitiously pumps him full of sedatives, which she of course calls "vitamins," just to get him to shut the fuck up and go back to watching his stories.

he is crazy and mean, impetuous and senile, the bitter and cranky old man i felt terrible for volunteering at a nursing home because no one ever visited him because he was so angry, and for the love of christ how is 40% of our country still even considering voting for this man? the villagers are slipping; we really should be chasing him back to his assisted living facility with pitchforks, where he can hold town halls with his pillows and be the commander-in-chief of the bridge game, but for god's sake that assisted living facility should not be the white house.

what the hell is wrong with everyone? like, for real this time. on the other hand, with the campaigns suspended and everything, it's the perfect time for ron paul to step back in and become president of the universe and internet.

Thursday, September 25



(i've also learned that she is not from america and in fact moved here in 1975??? despite pr's claims that she's a native new yorker! and her, um, accent? the info comes from her mouth directly though! i'm confused by this.)

dear david letterman,

after watching your performance on the television program "late show with david letterman" last night, i decided to make you a gift.

my boyfriend
Glitter Graphics


Wednesday, September 24

guadelajara won't do

why is anyone--anyone in the entire universe, even the dumbest racist born-again in the entire united states of america--still taking this man seriously? is it really that horrifying a prospect, to hire a black man, that some people are willing to defend a crazy, senile old man and his vapid bespectacled mistress to the grave? as a side note, it must really piss some of those people off that they are effectively choosing between a colored and a broad, right?

if somehow captain crazy and the church lady win this, i am going to defect to castro's cuba. just going to another country really isn't enough -- i want to go to another country and never, ever return.

but seriously, thanks for ruining the big party plans everyone had on friday, mccain. old people! always with the noise complaints and the calling the cops and the canceling their dumb debate! god!

UPDATE: here are some suggestions for other things that barack obama can debate, instead. please note that in all cases this will need to be done properly; he has to do all the voices and everything. no cheating!

- a sock puppet
- lego han solo
- the no-face cat
- cardboard cut-out of kelly clarkson
- regis philbin


tits.jpg, originally uploaded by allyzay.

i have decided to become a "lifestyle brand," like julia allison or emily brill or, i dunno, kermit the frog. as everyone knows, the #1 most important thing about being a "lifestyle brand" is breasts. so i'd like to remind everyone that i was doing this flashing shit back in a pre-9/11 world, motherfuckers.

now i just have to sit back and let the fame roll in.

(n.b.: remember how i used to have black, curly hair? huh! amazing.)

how to make things (more) terrible, lesson 347: add singing

so hot on the heels of brokeback mountain: the opera, variety is reporting that american psycho is being shopped around as a broadway musical. and it sounds atrocious, for reasons beyond the obvious. the implication in the article that the book is perfect for adaptation to broadway because of its heavy-handed name-dropping of various popular '80s bands tells me that we're looking at some kind of movin' out: billy joel vomits all over your stage, the musical level of horror here. i mean, sure, you're probably thinking that you'd really enjoy watching a sweeney-todd-esque song-and-hacking number with hugh jackman (or clay aiken or whoever) belting out "hip to be square" or "sussudio" but think about it for a second. you don't actually want to see that. ever.

not to mention that the overstatement of this being an adaptation of the book, not the movie, puts the fear in me a bit too. blah blah blah, they are the same thing -- NO. have you tried to read american psycho? it's a very different beast, and making a really huge deal that your adaptation is in no way related to the film adaptation says...something i'm unsure about yet, but i'm certain it's something bad.

fingers crossed that infinite jest: the musical is coming down the pipelines soon, hot on the heels of sexy, sexy media-friendly death! hooray great white way.

apparently he was NOT ready for some football

minor thoughts on plaxico "dumbass" burress.

also wanted to share this with you:

because, i mean...what?

Tuesday, September 23

"the injuries, um, they are like the achilles heel of his foot"

monday night football used to be some kind of institution, didn't it? a goal, an aspiration, exciting and fun. if you're a sportscaster or a sports writer, you want to be there; as a player, you dream about it. so i was confused last night, watching brett favre's 438th appearance on mnf, as to how we got here, listening to tony kornheiser spout sincerely punchable nonsense on basic cable while two teams with shitty records tried to outfail one another.

i mean, it doesn't seem like it'd be that hard, right, to alter the mnf contract a little bit, so the network that purchases the rights also purchases the right to flex schedule the games. nbc's football night in america technically has the right, as does nfl network (obviously), though rarely do they execute it (was the last/first time that giants-pats game that got broadcast on all channels in the world for some reason?*), so it's not a time consideration. they could still get themselves an interesting game each week this way, instead of something like the arizona-san francisco shitfest that is scheduled for week 10.

ultimately, though, do i really want a program that still insists on employing kornheiser to return to cultural relevance? the guy consistently sounds like he's broadcasting live from peter king's bedroom. it is getting ("getting") to the point where it's upsetting me greatly--how the fuck do guys like this get jobs writing or being on television? there's such a glass ceiling for women in sports writing and broadcasting, yet tony kornheiser sticks around? ugh. his entire running commentary last night was the most porous and uninsightful analysis of brett favre's problems with the jets i've heard yet: he simply hasn't learned the playbook. over and over, this is reiterated, which makes favre sound senile, because he's been in practice with the jets and been playing with them and how hard can a mangini playbook even be and yet here he is throwing to the wrong team entirely, multiple times, because he does not understand the playbook. the thing is, brett favre is a guy with 291 lifetime interceptions. unless you are pitching the idea that he didn't understand green bay's playbook, the interceptions are not the fault of some kind of communications breakdown. they're brett favre's fault, because he is some kind of john mccain of quarterbacks: an ancient, grizzly war veteran, talented at charming the pants off the press, but with no judgment and a temper like a firecracker.**

remember how vinny testaverde got off his riding mower, walked into a stadium, and won three games in a row with no practice whatsoever? i guess brett's just no testaverde, huh?

maybe i'll just boycott football next week; i mean, the giants are off.

* no, smart-ass, i do not mean the super bowl.
** i am the first person to make a john mccain-brett favre joke that has nothing to do with age and i claim my $5.

Monday, September 22

i ain't got no more fingernails

discombobulated poorly-written thoughts on our 2008 new york football giants.

unrelated: pineapple express is a pretty entertaining movie! james franco as a filthy stoner looks exactly like my cousin michael. it was odd to see! but still, i got over it and the movie was fun to watch though not entirely memorable.

Friday, September 19

helping you to understand our financial crises, part 1 in a series

further mustache update


i'm an idiot, and i'm your boyfriend

megan wrote a rather hilarious thing about men she calls "the unfuckables"; people who just seemingly don't want to get laid based on the things that come out of their mouths. megan is the just about the only person i know who has more "oh, what the fuck?" stories about men than i do, so i'm inspired to just go ahead and add onto her list with my own archives of lolpain:

1. please do not put on american psycho and then try to have sex with me. just...don't.
2. coming to my apartment, pointing at my record collection, and announcing--in the most bob-costas-admire-my-gravitas voice possible--that it is "not very good, at all" is kind of a one-way ticket to spending the night with fleshbot instead. especially if your idea of "good" is autechre and plaid.
3. in general, when around a lady, it is best not to tell her that she doesn't have the breasts to pull off a sweater like that.
4. in a similar vein to #3, don't then tell said lady that you think some hollywood actress you saw naked online has better tits "but only because her nipples are darker." the caveat does not make it less mindbogglingly stupid.
5. don't sell my cell phone number to your co-workers who also want to have sex with me. if you do sell my phone number in such a fashion, don't try to call me again asking me out yourself. and if somehow you've failed so badly that you've taken all the previous steps, do not be shocked when i scream at you and say, "well, i just thought you'd be into that."
6. stating that you have a crush on holly hunter, and then also stating that holly hunter reminds you of your mom? that's a little creepy.
7. so you say you have a rasputin imitation, hmmm? i do not want to see it. okay? ever.
8. if i ask for a glass of port, please give me a glass of port. do not tell me, very seriously, that i cannot have a glass of port because women are not allowed to drink port. no one has ever heard of this "rule."
9. accusing me of sleeping with music critics to get that oh-so-coveted invite to the village voice pazz & jop balloting is kind of like accusing someone of sleeping with people to get their hands on a bargin bin copy of all the sad young literary men.
10. if your roommate tries to sexually assault me, don't yell at me for it. additionally, do not continue bringing it up and blaming me and carrying on about it long after you and i have broken up.
11. always a winning move: calling up your ex at 3 in the morning on a wednesday to invite her over to do coke with you. bonus points if, when questioned about the coke, you then become defensive and scream that someone put a gram of coke into your pocket without you noticing.
12. no, i was not ever a voice-over actress playing a nurse in a venezuelan children's cartoon program. i'm not sure where you got that idea or why you called me at 1am to yell at me about it or why such a thing, if it were true, would even make a man yell, but...i give up.
13. no, i don't think you should wake up my sleeping roommate by trying to make-out with her.
14. if you post all over the entire internet claiming i gave you a hand job, don't get all cry-face when i then go onto the said-same internet and post that you are a liar. also: hand-job? are you max fischer?
15. statements like "your problem is that you are not ready for my love" guarantee that i will never be in the same room with you again.
16. why are you crying at texas chainsaw massacre? why?
17. the time to jizz on me is not after i've passed out from a blood sugar spike. (edit: to quell confusion, there was no sexual relations going on prior to pass out.)
18. please stop loudly telling my friends about how much you resemble prince when, just for starters, you are a nerdy white dude from jersey. it makes my friends laugh at me. especially when you start talking about how you "get" black culture in general.
19. do not ever take bits of my hair out of my trash can and keep them.
20. also, do not ask me what perfume i wear, and then go buy it to spray your entire house with.

that's enough for now.

Thursday, September 18

dear jeffrey sebelia,

i had such a huge crush on you when you were on project runway, but seeing that dov charney bullshit you've grown on your face last night on top design (which i only even watched because you were on it!) is making me re-evaluate my entire taste in men. could they all do that kind of nonsense? i mean, i am at the point where i am imagining running into my high school boyfriend and he will have that, on his face (never mind that i know for a fact that he is now fat, and married, and has childrens, and is a fancy businessman [who probably no longer has a job, due to the fact that we set wall street on fire, three days ago, and is now a boxcar hobo hiding out at the indian reservation, praying for rain and killing coyotes for food] so ergo he definitely does not have a thing like that growing out of his upper lip).



UPDATE: here is the only photo i could find of this monstrosity:

Tuesday, September 16

about last night's cowboys-eagles game...

this is what watching it felt like:

Friday, September 12


finally, the nfl's two worst mascots come together in one gif to do epic nuclear battle. i've been waiting for this my whole life.

you may ask yourself, why does ally continue to occasionally read deadspin?

hey jack-off, you could at least spell your sort-of coworker's name right.

i'm usually not a huge grammar/typo/spelling nazi or anything, but really? really? you get paid for your inability to spell a three-letter name and your pathetically unfunny, godawful michael phelps jokes? adam schefter should punch you in the face. and then run for president!

Wednesday, September 10

this is the cutest thing i've seen in 3 years.

i'm going to get it tattooed on me!! if i find a tattoo parlor magically in the next hour, in my office, before i forget about it, at least.

Tuesday, September 9

fyi, kurt wild is not his real name

A 22-year-old has been fired from a branch of sandwich chain Subway after a customer recognised him from his gay porn work and complained.

Kurt Wild, who has appeared for Freshmen and Buckshot, was employed in a restaurant near St Louis, Missouri.

He said in an email to

"A customer said they wouldn't even eat there at Subway anymore because of my past work and said that if I wasn't fired then they would boycott the store.

okay, so. how did this customer phrase this complaint, exactly? to put this into some form of context and really beat the obvious, i doubt i'd recognize a single person i've ever seen in pornography if they walked right up to me and asked to buy me a beer, much less just seeing them in a hideous subway uniform, making me a shitty sandwich. so...?