Friday, September 19

i'm an idiot, and i'm your boyfriend

megan wrote a rather hilarious thing about men she calls "the unfuckables"; people who just seemingly don't want to get laid based on the things that come out of their mouths. megan is the just about the only person i know who has more "oh, what the fuck?" stories about men than i do, so i'm inspired to just go ahead and add onto her list with my own archives of lolpain:

1. please do not put on american psycho and then try to have sex with me. just...don't.
2. coming to my apartment, pointing at my record collection, and announcing--in the most bob-costas-admire-my-gravitas voice possible--that it is "not very good, at all" is kind of a one-way ticket to spending the night with fleshbot instead. especially if your idea of "good" is autechre and plaid.
3. in general, when around a lady, it is best not to tell her that she doesn't have the breasts to pull off a sweater like that.
4. in a similar vein to #3, don't then tell said lady that you think some hollywood actress you saw naked online has better tits "but only because her nipples are darker." the caveat does not make it less mindbogglingly stupid.
5. don't sell my cell phone number to your co-workers who also want to have sex with me. if you do sell my phone number in such a fashion, don't try to call me again asking me out yourself. and if somehow you've failed so badly that you've taken all the previous steps, do not be shocked when i scream at you and say, "well, i just thought you'd be into that."
6. stating that you have a crush on holly hunter, and then also stating that holly hunter reminds you of your mom? that's a little creepy.
7. so you say you have a rasputin imitation, hmmm? i do not want to see it. okay? ever.
8. if i ask for a glass of port, please give me a glass of port. do not tell me, very seriously, that i cannot have a glass of port because women are not allowed to drink port. no one has ever heard of this "rule."
9. accusing me of sleeping with music critics to get that oh-so-coveted invite to the village voice pazz & jop balloting is kind of like accusing someone of sleeping with people to get their hands on a bargin bin copy of all the sad young literary men.
10. if your roommate tries to sexually assault me, don't yell at me for it. additionally, do not continue bringing it up and blaming me and carrying on about it long after you and i have broken up.
11. always a winning move: calling up your ex at 3 in the morning on a wednesday to invite her over to do coke with you. bonus points if, when questioned about the coke, you then become defensive and scream that someone put a gram of coke into your pocket without you noticing.
12. no, i was not ever a voice-over actress playing a nurse in a venezuelan children's cartoon program. i'm not sure where you got that idea or why you called me at 1am to yell at me about it or why such a thing, if it were true, would even make a man yell, but...i give up.
13. no, i don't think you should wake up my sleeping roommate by trying to make-out with her.
14. if you post all over the entire internet claiming i gave you a hand job, don't get all cry-face when i then go onto the said-same internet and post that you are a liar. also: hand-job? are you max fischer?
15. statements like "your problem is that you are not ready for my love" guarantee that i will never be in the same room with you again.
16. why are you crying at texas chainsaw massacre? why?
17. the time to jizz on me is not after i've passed out from a blood sugar spike. (edit: to quell confusion, there was no sexual relations going on prior to pass out.)
18. please stop loudly telling my friends about how much you resemble prince when, just for starters, you are a nerdy white dude from jersey. it makes my friends laugh at me. especially when you start talking about how you "get" black culture in general.
19. do not ever take bits of my hair out of my trash can and keep them.
20. also, do not ask me what perfume i wear, and then go buy it to spray your entire house with.

that's enough for now.


Hereward said...

It's terrifying how many of these simply must be from personal experience. It's the kind of list that makes me twitch a little.

M said...

I'm buying the drinks next time I'm in town (mid-Oct., btw).

Solo Clubber said...

I agree, that's fucked up that douche came on you while you slept. Because you were robbed of the pleasure of him coming in your eye.