Saturday, December 20
Friday, November 7
Wednesday, November 5
Wednesday, October 22
- go as sarah palin but then you rip your costume off and you are actually rick astley
- glue a football to a helmet and go as david tyree but then if someone comes up to talk to you about "the catch" you take off your helmet and you are rick astley
- dress up as joe the plumber! in your toolbag, keep a cassette recorder. when someone asks your opinion of senator obama, press play and then perform a live lip-dub of "never gonna give you up"
- hillary clinton in a big pantsuit. at midnight you take off the big pantsuit and reveal yourself to be rick astley
- vladimir putin and his tiger, but when someone comes to pet the tiger you rip off your kgb mask and it turns out you are rick astley (please note: tiger will remain a tiger so this really will only work if you know how to deal with tigers)
- just go as rick astley
Friday, October 17
Tuesday, October 14
anyway, it is this image:
but instead of the cheshire cat, it is michael strahan, and somehow the playing card men will be changed to represent the pats (the queen does look vaguely like belichick).
this will go nicely with the one being put on my arm! but where to put such a thing?
ps obviously i am not actually doing this and will just end up tattooing a helmet on my ass or something.
Monday, October 13
McCain lacks the character and temperament to be president. And Palin is simply a disgrace.
By Christopher Hitchens
Posted Monday, Oct. 13, 2008, at 10:44 AM ET
Wednesday, October 8
i have more respect for nazis than for people who spend months picking their noses while trying to decide if they think nazis are bad. how do you guys even get your underpants on in the morning without crapping yourselves?
UPDATE: ok so undecided voters earlier apparently =
Tuesday, October 7
i already disliked brett favre. i'm sick of his face, the fawning attention on a guy whose strategy entirely amounts to, "i will throw the ball as hard as i can and someone, anyone, will probably catch this." but now he's also mutilating animals and shoving them in lockers and, well, i have no idea what to say to that. like i am genuinely at a loss to describe my befuddlement here, or why the other players are being so winky-winky about having dead animals shoved into their shit.
where did he even get this possibly-a-wild-turkey thing? hunting season isn't exactly in swing, southern jersey is better for hunting than northern, and i'm certain that favre doesn't have a hunting license yet in jersey (is he even a resident?). did he shoot this animal somewhere else and trek it back to jersey? god knows how old that bird was! must've smelled great in that locker. just from that standpoint alone, every other player should be furious with him.
my one hope in this is that peta gets a hold of this rather alarming "prank" report and protests favre's ass into retirement, where he can spend as much time as he likes by himself, shoving dead animals into things and popping pills. this is giving peta way too much credit for being able to accomplish anything besides making themselves look like morons, though.
Monday, October 6
Sunday, October 5
Friday, October 3
UPDATE: alex sent me this amazing gif someone made of him watching and listening to the same thing!
Thursday, October 2
Saturday, September 27
somewhere, christopher walken is pissed that this bastard spacey gets to do this shit and he doesn't.
1) "irish pub"? that is the name of the bar? are its main competitors "spanish wine lounge" and "gay nightclub"? grow up, philly!
2) haha this bar is on WALNUTS! street! i mean...really?
3) that lady who gave sarah palin $2 for good luck? because of our flourishing economy, that lady now cannot afford to pay her rent in south philly, and lives in a hobo boxcar with ryan and tatum o'neal.*
4) "santorum with lipstick" is the grossest thing anyone has ever written.
in conclusion, this is a made-up story by ridiculous philadelphia attention hogs who are pretending that sarah palin would even visit their city for fear of being beat to death with a claw hammer, or that they would want such a thing as a visit from crazytits mcgee. "irish pub"--what the fuck? honestly.
* i'm watching paper moon, for some reason. i went to make dinner and this is what was on the teevee, when i returned. it was introduced by robert osbourne and sexy, sexy rose mcgowan!
UPDATE: why am i always surprised that madeline kahn had the most hugest rack ever???
also the debate would've looked like this, plus hillary:
because it would've been moderated by the most important person in the world, miss tyra banks.
oh well, whatever, debates are usually boring and not all of them can be zingy winners. looking forward to thursday's debate, in which joe biden will bluster endlessly about fdr solving the civil war by going on the XM satellite radio, and sarah palin will counter by threatening to bomb the new york senate, back in 1913, to prevent fdr from coming into power and invading her moose space.
Friday, September 26
have fun at your debate party, kids!
1) john mccain is a supporter of stem cell research. speculatively speaking, this is because john mccain is 73 billion years old and is starting to show signs of alzheimers*, a disease which might be curable using stem cell advances.
2) john mccain's support of stem cell research is one of the biggest reasons the wackadoodle republican base of psychotics jesus freaks hates mccain (the other being his support of abortion but since john mccain doesn't have a uterus he has switched positions on that one!). sarah palin was inflicted on the world because of stem cell research, basically.
so, ok. obama. you are running an ad that makes john mccain more appealing to crazy people, getting them all motivated back up to vote for captain crazy. it is also a complete lie, obviously...one that an awful lot of knee-jerk liberal "i hate republicans, all republicans, all the time" dumbasses already believed to be true anyway! so i guess you're trying to get the independents (haha obviously, i'm being facetious before)...but if mccain points out you are lying, then you look bad. but if mccain points out you are lying, then he pisses off the crazies too! omg wtf is this ad secretly the atom bomb to finally destroy the campaigns? because it is an OUROBOROS?
haha no of course not, no one cares about what they show on the teevee in wisconsin. with palin making a horse's ass of herself on national television and mccain flouncing around in his batman suit, obama could probably start running around claiming john mccain is personally responsible for the new terrible season of project runway and sarah palin is a transsexual gay vegan and no one would even notice at all.
* i was convinced until about the age of 8 or 9 that this disease was actually called "old timers" disease, because the words sounded similar and, well, it made sense to me. i finally wrote the words down--god knows why, what the hell kind of short stories was i penning in 3rd grade?--and my mom laughed and laughed.
mr. mccain shouldn't have been participating to begin with, what with no longer being on the responsible committee and having had nothing to do with the negotiations for the fourteen days since this crisis "began" (of course i'm using the word began in scare quotes since it's actually been at least around 10 years coming, but what do i know? i'm no john mccain). rushing around like a bull in a china shop while the adults are trying to shotgun marry jp morgan to his girlfriend, wamu, and figure out how the hell to prevent everything else from collapsing is not presidential or smart or anything that kind of resembles those words! if john mccain wasn't a wealthy senator, he would be in a home right now, with some poor teenaged volunteer patting him on the hand and saying, "of course i'll vote for you, president mccain!" while the nurse surreptitiously pumps him full of sedatives, which she of course calls "vitamins," just to get him to shut the fuck up and go back to watching his stories.
he is crazy and mean, impetuous and senile, the bitter and cranky old man i felt terrible for volunteering at a nursing home because no one ever visited him because he was so angry, and for the love of christ how is 40% of our country still even considering voting for this man? the villagers are slipping; we really should be chasing him back to his assisted living facility with pitchforks, where he can hold town halls with his pillows and be the commander-in-chief of the bridge game, but for god's sake that assisted living facility should not be the white house.
what the hell is wrong with everyone? like, for real this time. on the other hand, with the campaigns suspended and everything, it's the perfect time for ron paul to step back in and become president of the universe and internet.
Thursday, September 25
Wednesday, September 24
if somehow captain crazy and the church lady win this, i am going to defect to castro's cuba. just going to another country really isn't enough -- i want to go to another country and never, ever return.
but seriously, thanks for ruining the big party plans everyone had on friday, mccain. old people! always with the noise complaints and the calling the cops and the canceling their dumb debate! god!
UPDATE: here are some suggestions for other things that barack obama can debate, instead. please note that in all cases this will need to be done properly; he has to do all the voices and everything. no cheating!
- a sock puppet
- lego han solo
- the no-face cat
- cardboard cut-out of kelly clarkson
- regis philbin
i have decided to become a "lifestyle brand," like julia allison or emily brill or, i dunno, kermit the frog. as everyone knows, the #1 most important thing about being a "lifestyle brand" is breasts. so i'd like to remind everyone that i was doing this flashing shit back in a pre-9/11 world, motherfuckers.
now i just have to sit back and let the fame roll in.
(n.b.: remember how i used to have black, curly hair? huh! amazing.)
not to mention that the overstatement of this being an adaptation of the book, not the movie, puts the fear in me a bit too. blah blah blah, they are the same thing -- NO. have you tried to read american psycho? it's a very different beast, and making a really huge deal that your adaptation is in no way related to the film adaptation says...something i'm unsure about yet, but i'm certain it's something bad.
fingers crossed that infinite jest: the musical is coming down the pipelines soon, hot on the heels of sexy, sexy media-friendly death! hooray great white way.
Tuesday, September 23
i mean, it doesn't seem like it'd be that hard, right, to alter the mnf contract a little bit, so the network that purchases the rights also purchases the right to flex schedule the games. nbc's football night in america technically has the right, as does nfl network (obviously), though rarely do they execute it (was the last/first time that giants-pats game that got broadcast on all channels in the world for some reason?*), so it's not a time consideration. they could still get themselves an interesting game each week this way, instead of something like the arizona-san francisco shitfest that is scheduled for week 10.
ultimately, though, do i really want a program that still insists on employing kornheiser to return to cultural relevance? the guy consistently sounds like he's broadcasting live from peter king's bedroom. it is getting ("getting") to the point where it's upsetting me greatly--how the fuck do guys like this get jobs writing or being on television? there's such a glass ceiling for women in sports writing and broadcasting, yet tony kornheiser sticks around? ugh. his entire running commentary last night was the most porous and uninsightful analysis of brett favre's problems with the jets i've heard yet: he simply hasn't learned the playbook. over and over, this is reiterated, which makes favre sound senile, because he's been in practice with the jets and been playing with them and how hard can a mangini playbook even be and yet here he is throwing to the wrong team entirely, multiple times, because he does not understand the playbook. the thing is, brett favre is a guy with 291 lifetime interceptions. unless you are pitching the idea that he didn't understand green bay's playbook, the interceptions are not the fault of some kind of communications breakdown. they're brett favre's fault, because he is some kind of john mccain of quarterbacks: an ancient, grizzly war veteran, talented at charming the pants off the press, but with no judgment and a temper like a firecracker.**
remember how vinny testaverde got off his riding mower, walked into a stadium, and won three games in a row with no practice whatsoever? i guess brett's just no testaverde, huh?
maybe i'll just boycott football next week; i mean, the giants are off.
* no, smart-ass, i do not mean the super bowl.
** i am the first person to make a john mccain-brett favre joke that has nothing to do with age and i claim my $5.
Monday, September 22
unrelated: pineapple express is a pretty entertaining movie! james franco as a filthy stoner looks exactly like my cousin michael. it was odd to see! but still, i got over it and the movie was fun to watch though not entirely memorable.
Friday, September 19
1. please do not put on american psycho and then try to have sex with me. just...don't.
2. coming to my apartment, pointing at my record collection, and announcing--in the most bob-costas-admire-my-gravitas voice possible--that it is "not very good, at all" is kind of a one-way ticket to spending the night with fleshbot instead. especially if your idea of "good" is autechre and plaid.
3. in general, when around a lady, it is best not to tell her that she doesn't have the breasts to pull off a sweater like that.
4. in a similar vein to #3, don't then tell said lady that you think some hollywood actress you saw naked online has better tits "but only because her nipples are darker." the caveat does not make it less mindbogglingly stupid.
5. don't sell my cell phone number to your co-workers who also want to have sex with me. if you do sell my phone number in such a fashion, don't try to call me again asking me out yourself. and if somehow you've failed so badly that you've taken all the previous steps, do not be shocked when i scream at you and say, "well, i just thought you'd be into that."
6. stating that you have a crush on holly hunter, and then also stating that holly hunter reminds you of your mom? that's a little creepy.
7. so you say you have a rasputin imitation, hmmm? i do not want to see it. okay? ever.
8. if i ask for a glass of port, please give me a glass of port. do not tell me, very seriously, that i cannot have a glass of port because women are not allowed to drink port. no one has ever heard of this "rule."
9. accusing me of sleeping with music critics to get that oh-so-coveted invite to the village voice pazz & jop balloting is kind of like accusing someone of sleeping with people to get their hands on a bargin bin copy of all the sad young literary men.
10. if your roommate tries to sexually assault me, don't yell at me for it. additionally, do not continue bringing it up and blaming me and carrying on about it long after you and i have broken up.
11. always a winning move: calling up your ex at 3 in the morning on a wednesday to invite her over to do coke with you. bonus points if, when questioned about the coke, you then become defensive and scream that someone put a gram of coke into your pocket without you noticing.
12. no, i was not ever a voice-over actress playing a nurse in a venezuelan children's cartoon program. i'm not sure where you got that idea or why you called me at 1am to yell at me about it or why such a thing, if it were true, would even make a man yell, but...i give up.
13. no, i don't think you should wake up my sleeping roommate by trying to make-out with her.
14. if you post all over the entire internet claiming i gave you a hand job, don't get all cry-face when i then go onto the said-same internet and post that you are a liar. also: hand-job? are you max fischer?
15. statements like "your problem is that you are not ready for my love" guarantee that i will never be in the same room with you again.
16. why are you crying at texas chainsaw massacre? why?
17. the time to jizz on me is not after i've passed out from a blood sugar spike. (edit: to quell confusion, there was no sexual relations going on prior to pass out.)
18. please stop loudly telling my friends about how much you resemble prince when, just for starters, you are a nerdy white dude from jersey. it makes my friends laugh at me. especially when you start talking about how you "get" black culture in general.
19. do not ever take bits of my hair out of my trash can and keep them.
20. also, do not ask me what perfume i wear, and then go buy it to spray your entire house with.
that's enough for now.
Thursday, September 18
THANKS FOR NOTHING, JEFFREY.
UPDATE: here is the only photo i could find of this monstrosity:
Tuesday, September 16
Friday, September 12
i'm usually not a huge grammar/typo/spelling nazi or anything, but really? really? you get paid for your inability to spell a three-letter name and your pathetically unfunny, godawful michael phelps jokes? adam schefter should punch you in the face. and then run for president!
Thursday, September 11
big baby (nj): I've heard that you rail against teams like the Red Sox and Yankees for "ruining" baseball with the way they spend copious amounts of money. What about teams like the Twins who have a billionaire owner who nickels and dimes his franchise? AKA get off your high horse and get a clue.
YEAH, CRAIG FINN! FUCK YOU! GET OVER YOURSELF AND YOUR BIG STUPID BAND, THE TWINS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF HOBOS ANYWAY! YEAH!
Wednesday, September 10
Tuesday, September 9
A 22-year-old has been fired from a branch of sandwich chain Subway after a customer recognised him from his gay porn work and complained.
Kurt Wild, who has appeared for Freshmen and Buckshot, was employed in a restaurant near St Louis, Missouri.
He said in an email to BGay.com:
"A customer said they wouldn't even eat there at Subway anymore because of my past work and said that if I wasn't fired then they would boycott the store.
okay, so. how did this customer phrase this complaint, exactly? to put this into some form of context and really beat the obvious, i doubt i'd recognize a single person i've ever seen in pornography if they walked right up to me and asked to buy me a beer, much less just seeing them in a hideous subway uniform, making me a shitty sandwich. so...?
Friday, August 29
(seriously, what is with the palin pick? she undermines his experience platform, she's dumber than a bag of rocks, and she's a psychotic super-christian creationist who hates fags and abortionists so how is she gonna get those "hillary swing voters" again? this seems like a brett favre hail mary but no one is having fun out there, and no one looks like a kid.)
Tuesday, August 26
about ten seconds before the hillary clinton "tribute video"* came on, ross and i mentioned the kool aid man. i thought it was apt. is this funny or am i crazy?
* as i told ross, when you guys make me a tribute video, it better include "treatment bound" and none of this "are you gonna go my way?" shit that was in hillary's. also must involve hannah montana wig, a sam elliot impersonator, and i should be on fire, and riding a motorcycle. thanks in advance for doing this and not making me a lame tribute video.
the main thing that i fail to get about this ongoing saga about the supposedly environmentally-friendly wooden keys that do not work at the downtown sheraton is this: how in god's fucking name is creating entirely brand-new keys made out of formerly living trees, sustainable harvesting or no, somehow greener than just continuing to use the already-existing plastic cards that can be reused until the magnetic strip wears out, at which point they can be recycled?
i hope the wizard of oz trees come and attack these people. it seems unlikely, but as i just said to alex, in a world where chromeo and daryl hall hang out and talk about the vineyards anything can happen.
Monday, August 25
Friday, August 22
Thursday, August 21
uh, you think? what i don't get about this is the insistence on bringing up your personal shit at work. why on earth would you be telling your coworkers that you like role-playing games or that you think you are a vampire? i have a really impressive drinking hobby but you don't see me explaining it to all and sundry, and i work at time out! hell, kids, just shut up about being vampires and no one is going to get all in your business. it's a simple equation! you don't need a new job just cos you wanna be crazy, you need a new common sense.
Wednesday, August 20
Monday, August 18
if you were born in 1980 and you still have yet to enter the workforce, you should be shot in the fucking face for wasting everyone's time and oxygen and basic life force. being born in 1980 would make you almost thirty. i should know, having been born in 1980! i've been in the workforce for 13 years. i mean, good god, what have you been doing with your time if you are just now entering the working classes?
Friday, August 15
this is zelda. she is one of many german shepherds my family has had throughout my whole life. if i remember this all correctly, she was a couple-years-later replacement for roxy, who was given to people who owned a farm (FOR REAL, GUYS) because we lived in a small condo and the dog was too hyperactive--it was cruel to keep her there, she spent her days herding me, basically. when we moved to a larger place, we got another one.
a few years later (maybe less time? it's funny what years of drinking does to your memory, isn't it?), my mom comes across a german shepherd, actually from germany. he was a police dog who was being rejected from the force for being "too silly." that is a straight-up translated actual quote. so my mother, always with dollar signs in her eyes, takes him with hopes of producing adorable german shepherd puppies. i have serious misgivings with my mother's obsession with breeding dogs starting and ending with the word "overpopulation problem," but that's not really the point of this post so i'll just stop there.
anyway, multiple sexy time attempts later, my mom is informed by a dog gynocologist (how does one find themselves in this profession?) that zelda, who is nearly twice the size of a normal female shepherd and almost as large as the police dog, now named zeus, is not really a girl dog. she's a hermaphrodite!
my mother then exasperatedly purchased a different german shepherd, kali--a real lottery win for my dad, at this point, who loves shepherds and has now found himself with a veritable bonanza of them--only to quickly find out that kali is very much against the idea of sex with boys, and zeus is too interested in playing and acting like a kid out there (he gives piggy back rides to the smaller dogs, for real) to really force the issue. this brought a final end to the german shepherd breeding saga.
zelda was a very sweet dog who loved to have her photo taken and be cuddled and petted. she had a stroke two days ago, which made it hard for her to keep her head up, resulting in the constantly tipped, quizzical head she's sporting in the above picture. her condition got worse and she was put to sleep yesterday, the end. my dad and mom and two sisters took her picture a bunch of times and cuddled with her and fed her a hot dog (?? i don't know what this is about and don't care to ask, some kind of voodoo i'm assuming) and zelda always loved car rides so at least she went out pretty happy.
and of course my mom chooses this time to inform me that zeus will also have to be put down soon too, on account of him developing the infamous german shepherd hips. it's a wonderful week, everyone! zeus, enjoy the hot dogs, whatever that is even about, while you can.
Friday, August 8
Thursday, August 7
it took a lot of control not to yell "bullshit" at this point.
so, you know, giving the guy the benefit of the doubt that somehow they stole a two-ton aquatic animal from a zoo and then figured out how to eat it at home, i kept my mouth shut, but a pretty exhaustive google search reveals i should've stuck with my instinct to yell "bullshit."
i just want to know how incredibly stupid those two girls had to be that they didn't ask a single question about this, or even really comment, beyond one of them lamenting, "you ate shamu!"
you know, shamu. the killer whale. from sea world. it's easy to see how one would confuse shamu with a manatee from either d.c. or guyana.
there are many days in which, ultimately, i desperately hate everyone in new york.
did i mention this young man had earlier claimed he and some friends had, very recently (meaning, in new york city somewhere), eaten a walrus?
this is the dress in question:
which, you might note, doesn't really look like a person from the republic of cocktails at all. it looks like a poorly made dress for girls who think they are betty page. something you'd buy from stop staring's website, perhaps. such a disappointment! tim gunn's zing of this outfit -- if it was a uniform for an olympics airline, he'd buy it -- is much better and apt, though really very meow meow, tim.
now this is an outfit that looks like someone whose sport is drinking:
and here is an outfit for someone whose olympic sport is being a virgin:
(this dowdy monstrosity got the designer kicked from the program, mercifully. she claims to be a surrealist designer. i really have no idea what she's talking about when she says this, and neither do you -- look at that image, and then perhaps look at the one directly above it, from another designer on the exact same television program, and wonder where this girl is getting her drugs. her boring drugs.)
of course, all three of these designers, along with cheroine and suede bluehawk, spend approximately 78% of their air time screaming and bitching and crying about how none of these challenges are "what [they] do." it's constant, unending, and without fail they all pull things out of their asses during these competitions that have fuck all to do with the assignment they were given. for example -- all of these outfits in this post are all supposed to be uniforms for the united states olympic team.
so, yes, obviously, you are going, "oh! of course! why didn't i see that?" ha ha, i'm just kidding, you're not thinking this at all. you're thinking, "oh...? ohhhhhhhh. huh." you might even have your hand on your cheek, thinking that you're concerned.
it's just infuriating to watch at this point. never before have there been such a crew of designers on this show so utterly inflexible, unwilling to bend their "style" at all. i can't stand to hear them say this, especially when "what [they] do" is such insane what-the-fuckery. what on earth did these five think they were getting into when they auditioned for project runway if not a series of wacky projects meant to challenge their stances as designers?
it's exhausting to watch, at times. i found myself looking forward to shear genius last night and worried for this season, basically. hopefully in a week or two, they'll have weeded out more idiots and things will get down to business, but honestly -- guys, just do your goddamned assignments.