Tuesday, January 8

top ten things to do in nyc this week or in general: a few thoughts from meowrson welles



meowrson welles says:
10. go to the butterfly conservatory at the american museum of natural history. it's back! 500 butterflies! good for impressing females! when you're done, walk over the 72nd and broadway and go to the sushi joint that offers all you can eat sushi. don't bother with that irish pub on the corner--it is basically terrible.
9. see foto: modernity in central europe, 1918-1945 at the guggenheim. it looks totally awesome and i wanted to see it and then forgot about it and then just realized, "oh, shit, that's closing this weekend or soonish or something." so go!
8. take some adderall. there has been 73 posts about it on gawker in the past 48 hours, so get in on that!
7. dye your pubic hair! someone just mentioned at a meeting a thing about a company that specializes in hair dye specifically for "the hair down there" (not my wording). i forget the name of it and refuse to google "pubic hair dye," ever. it left me with a lot of questions though. namely, these questions: 1) what kind of person dyes their pubes? 2) why do you need a different type of hair dye for your pubes than you do for your head? 3) is this some kind of brazilian backlash? you'd need to have pubes to dye pubes and it strikes me the type of ladies that would be interested in dying their pubes are also the type of ladies who are interested in having all of their pubes viciously and painfully ripped from their crotches by crazy korean beauticians once a month. thoughts on this in the comments, please!
6. watch the giants/cowboys game. and cry, cry, cry (either because the giants lose, or just to make fun of romo--both work). prepare in advance a delicious chili to eat while watching the game to add some extra flair! or just do what you normally do and wake up at 2 (or 5!) and drag your ass out of bed, wishing you were literally dead instead of just figuratively, and attempt to concentrate on the game.
5. go to the new les restaurant, allen & delancey! haha, i'm just kidding.
4. does capone's still have triviacrats on tuesdays? i have no idea, but go and see. if they don't, just start quizzing people at the bar yourself!
3. it's 70 out! go to the park, you lazy bastards.
2. go to the chueca bar on saturdays, when it welcomes a party called "forbidden." take the 7 to 61st st/woodside to get there and enjoy $3 shots and dj pocahontas. now, dedicated readers might be scratching their heads right now and wondering if perhaps i sustained a serious, brain-damaging drug overdose this past weekend, but just trust me. the only other thing i know about this club besides what i just wrote is that it is described as THE CITY'S HOTTEST LATINA LESBIAN BAR and that sounds like the venue i've been looking for my entire life.
1. spend $400 on designer glasses with fake glass in them because you're a retard. i'm talking to you, asshole 20-something princess who got on at myrtle this morning who was sporting the prada frames. you know how everyone knows they're the most idiotically expensive fake glasses ever? you left the prada sticker on the actual "glass". you bitch! i'm going to start sporting a fake wheelchair! or a fake pregnancy! you were right to start getting all nervous and agitated on the train because i was glaring you down. also: your hair? what was that about?

5 comments:

rgin said...

Meowrson Welles you can't take the train! The train is for people! You are a cat. You have no use for such things!

ally said...

as i just said to richard personally, i have seen a cat ride a train. he got on at marcy, and rode to kosciusko, at which point he walked off the train. he was by his lonesome, not in a cage or on a leash. cats: using the mta more and more every day!

Ross said...

Mr. Welles, you've been gone too long: Capone's itself is not around any more. It's a gay disco called "Sugarland" now and I don't think they have free pizza or trivia.

ally said...

i tried to tell him this, ross, but he got all upset and uppity about my "lies."

JW said...

I heard they have hotdogs tho.