Tuesday, January 29
how to pick up a mouse
meowrson welles says: There are plenty of kitties who are good at picking up mice...but they aren't good at explaining what they do. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you're either destined to be good with mice, or you aren't. This is a skill anyone can learn.
1. mice are everywhere! Don't get sucked in to thinking that you can only find mice when you're out at a restaurant or at the bar. They're on the street, in a store, in class, everywhere you go. Just go out into the world and pay closer attention.
2. Go up to it! There's a cat named Mystery who came up with something called the 3 second rule. Pretty much, what it says is, if you see a mouse you'd like to meet, three seconds after you think that, you should go up and start meowing.
3. What to say. cats are tripped up by this all the time. A good place to start is by using what's called a "neutral-opinion opener." What that means is you ask a question about something that has nothing to do with you. It can be simple ("What do you think of this place?") or elaborate ("Did you see the fight outside? There were these two german shepherds, and they were totally fighting over this poodle...but the poodle was really scrawny and wormy looking...it was crazy..." but it really doesn't matter what you say.
4. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!! mice get picked up on almost every day, and they know why you meowed at them. Whoever this mouse is isn't paying as much attention to what you're saying as it is to the way you're saying it (are you confident? comfortable? Are your shoulders hunched over, or back?) Do your best to appear comfortable, and it'll feel comfortable too. It's easier for a cat who is calm, cool, and in control...so be that cat.
5. Do something novel. A really scrumptuous mouse has people telling it all the time how how cute it is, how nice it is...and it's gotten used to it. If you become the next cat to come up and tell it how lovely it is, it'll appreciate the compliment, but it'll leave immediately. I'm NOT saying to be mean...but you should be more casual. Make a little joke at its expense..not something huge or insulting (David DeAngelo would say something like "Wow, that's a big purse! Do you have a gun in there?") Not anything about it's appearance, though..that's just mean.
6. Just be yourself! If you've ever asked a mouse what to do to meet a mouse, it'll probably say "just be yourself." You may think that means that if you feel nervous, and that you want to tell it again how cute it is (for the 40th time) that you should...but that's NOT what they mean.Treat it normally...almost like one of your cat friends. If you're at the bar, and it asks you to get a napkin...it's probably just asking to see if you'll jump through a hoop for it. Don't do it! You wouldn't break your back to do that for one of your good friends...don't treat it differently!
7. Keep up the banter! Once you're meowing, keep it up. You may want to come up with some stories about you that are funny or interesting, or that display an interesting side to you. Try to not fall into the interview technique (asking things like: What do you do? Where do you live? Where did you go to school? If you're stuck, turn those interview questions into statements, like "You look like you're from New York" or "I bet you're an event planner")
8. Ask for its number! After a few minutes, if you're having a good time, cut things off on a high note, and ask for its number. Say that you're having a great time, but you need to get back to your friends (or whatever else you were about to do). If it doesn't want to give you its number, you can joke and say that you promise to only call 50 times a day, but that's all. You could also just get an email address (almost everyone has one, and is OK with handing it out, especially for a charming kitty like yourself)
A lot of mice, especially girl ones, don't like the idea of learning how to pick up mice. They think it's speciesist and cheap. There are pick up artists like this...but it doesn't have to always be that way. Those same mice are waiting for the right cat to sweep them off their feet...to charm them, and woo them and make them feel special and beautiful...and that's what you can do with this kind of information if you use it wisely.
If you have played the game properly and gained the mouse's trust over the course of a week or two, you will be able to then lure them over to your apartment and have yourself a delicious, delicious treat.