today's worst person on flickr

Friends,

Rest assured I do not take my new charge lightly, nor do I take pleasure in its creation. While onerous, this task is an honor but also a great responsibility and a great burden on my everlasting soul.

Today's post comes from a gentleperson with the unusual handle of "baumies" who asks,

"Just wondering what is the most flattering f-stop for portrait photography. I thought I read somewhere that it is different for men and women. Any thoughts?"

I have many thoughts on this matter, Mr/s. "baumies." First of all, I would like to ask what fraudulent publication produced this spew, and what palsy you have to sufffer from to believe such nonsense. No response? Your silence will only lead to your doom.

Very well. Reading further, I see it takes four posts for someone, in this case an accidental genius calling himself "metzgarpaul," to offer the correct answer to the question. S/he says,

"You might be confusing focal length and F-stop when you mention flattering. A more telephoto lens is more flattering than a wide angle for portraits."

Well done, sir/madam.

The problem is that the thread continues for another FOUR POSTS OF PEOPLE SPOUTING THE SAME BULLSHIT ABOUT WHICH F-STOP IS THE MOST FLATTERING. NIGGA PLEASE. THE QUESTION WAS ANSWERED AND YOU IGNORANT FUCKTARDS IN YOUR HASTE TO PRESENT SOME FALSE-FRONT OF SKILL OR KNOWLEDGE BLEW RIGHT PAST THE ONLY ANSWER WORTH TWO SHITS ON THE POINT OF DISCUSSION. FURTHERMORE, ONE MR. alyn_smith SAYS,

"Really depends on the photo and the light available. I simply use anything between f1.8 and f22 depending. This is a very strange question."

WOW. YOU JUST SAID THAT. YOU JUST SAI THAT YOU CONSIDER THE USE OF EVERY STOP ON YOUR LENS WHEN YOU TAKE A PORTRAIT. REALLY. GREAT. I'M GLAD THAAT OUY TRY AND USE YOUR TOOL TO THE MAXIMUM OF ITS ABILITY AT ALL TIMES. YOU SIR, HAVE FULL COMMAND OF THE RANGE OF TOOLS AVAILABLE TO YOU AND I LOOK FORWARD TO WATCHING YOU STRUGGLE TO BUILD A HOME WITH THE MONEIES YOU EARN FROM YOUR PHOTOGRAPHIC SKILLS TO BUILD A HOME WITH A PAIR PF NEEDLE NOSED PLIERS AND A RUSTY SCREWDRIVER. A++++++ WORK WOULD VIEW AGAIN.

But indeed, gentlereader, the answer to the question lies within the bonus features of Amelie. I swear to god. In the bonus features they discuss which lenses they used on Impish Frog Pussy Audrey Tautou and why. It's visual. It's on DVD; it was one of the most popular movies of 2001. For those of you who forget, this is she:


(ed. note: i fucking hate her. christ.)

Moving on, and back to the thesis of this column, which revolves around stupid shit questions on Flickr, I would like to present the stupidest post on Flickr today. Interestingly, it comes from "baumies" his/herself. S/he posts,

"Yeah, that is a strange question! I meant focal length. Sorry about that! "

OK SO YOU ASKED A QUESTION. THEN YOU WAITED 48 HOURS TO REALIZE YOU ASKED THE WRONG QUESTION. THEN YOU DON'T BOTHER TO CORRECT THE QUESTOION IN ORDER TO GET AN ANSWER TO THE REDICULOUS PORBLEM YOU FACE. I ASSURE YOU THAT IF YOU HAVE TO ASK SUCH A THING, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS TAKING A PICTURE OR EVEN WORRYING ABOUT THE APPEARANCE OF YOUR SUBJECT BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS ARE PROBABLY FAT AND UGLY ANYWAY AND NO AMOUNT OF LENS TRICKERY OR POST WORK WILL SOLVE THAT. SOME UGLY CANT BE UNDID. NOW, IF YOU WWERE SHOOTING GEORGIA, LIKE I WAS MOST OF THE TIME,



YOU WOULDN'T HAVE AN Y PORBLEMS COZ SOMETIMES GOOD TAIL IS GOOD TAIL AND ANYTHING YOU DO WILL JUST SCREW UP GOD'S WORK. I HIT THAT SON.

-Alfred