Wednesday, January 30

since i'm bitchy and talentless today, i'm leaving the blog up to my co-editors. here's alfred with more news from flickr!


Today I am going to speak briefly about a pervasive theme that saddens me down to the crumbling remains of my mortal coil. I speak of course of the tendency for foolish, foolish couples -- blind in their love and racing hormones -- to ask their friends to photograph their weddings.

I make no case for or against Mr. toomuchroom. He is an innocent in this. A good friend, even. But the thread he created on Flickr points out several problems with the genre of Friendship Photography. I will list them for you now.

1) "A good friend of mine has asked me to be the "official" photographer at their wedding this summer. Whilst I am extremely honoured that they have asked me there is a small element of anxiety in me with regards to it."

OK. I will try to remain calm but this is very, very important. If you feel the slightest pangs of doubt or uncertainty with your technique or your skills, simply don't do it. Tell your friends you don't want to do it. You will still be friends after you turn the down. You will not be friends when you fuck up their pictures. I swear to god, people KNOW YOUR LIMITS. There's nothing wrong with taking on a challenge but when the stakes are as high as they are I would be concerned that when the time comes to pull the trigger then you will hesitate and you will become a DEAD MARINE. And you will be in a world of SHIT. Because Marines are not allowed to die without orders.

2) "Although we will do the archetypal "wedding shots" of group photos, family and friends, my friends have said that they are more interested in me capturing the "real" moments of the day."

Everyone wants this now. They want it because it looks "cool" and "relaxed." I will now get personal. Mr. toomuchroom, you lack the ability to do this. I am currently looking through your photostream and you have secretfattaey self portraits with you in lee press on nails and a garish mask. Like you're trying out for the role of a gay phantom or some shit. I mean, really. Your pictures of hot air balloons are cute. Hot air balloons are slow as shit and are unlikely to go anywhere fast. Do you know how long it takes the bouquet to fly from the bride to her fattaey bridesmaid? About as long as it takes for your friend's head to be turned into a pile of goo by charlie, that's how long. Let me tell you, buster, there's no turning back after that.

3) "Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone had done a wedding before and if so have you got any tips for me. What moments to look for, equipment to use, the settings of my camera etc etc"

Have you never been to a wedding? Do you not udnerstand the costs involved? If johnson had signed that spending bill in 66 we would have had the guns and the men to hold Da Nang and send those motehrfuckrs screaming for their litttle hidey holes. That's what skimping on your wedding photographer can do for you. You end up with your friends in pine boxes an da bad case of trench foot bit you can't take your boots off because of the punjis ticks covered with human excrement. You fuck. You little pussy mama's boy. You left my boys out there to die. All because you can't take a wedding picture to save your live. You make me sick. I need a drinks.


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