"the injuries, um, they are like the achilles heel of his foot"

monday night football used to be some kind of institution, didn't it? a goal, an aspiration, exciting and fun. if you're a sportscaster or a sports writer, you want to be there; as a player, you dream about it. so i was confused last night, watching brett favre's 438th appearance on mnf, as to how we got here, listening to tony kornheiser spout sincerely punchable nonsense on basic cable while two teams with shitty records tried to outfail one another.

i mean, it doesn't seem like it'd be that hard, right, to alter the mnf contract a little bit, so the network that purchases the rights also purchases the right to flex schedule the games. nbc's football night in america technically has the right, as does nfl network (obviously), though rarely do they execute it (was the last/first time that giants-pats game that got broadcast on all channels in the world for some reason?*), so it's not a time consideration. they could still get themselves an interesting game each week this way, instead of something like the arizona-san francisco shitfest that is scheduled for week 10.

ultimately, though, do i really want a program that still insists on employing kornheiser to return to cultural relevance? the guy consistently sounds like he's broadcasting live from peter king's bedroom. it is getting ("getting") to the point where it's upsetting me greatly--how the fuck do guys like this get jobs writing or being on television? there's such a glass ceiling for women in sports writing and broadcasting, yet tony kornheiser sticks around? ugh. his entire running commentary last night was the most porous and uninsightful analysis of brett favre's problems with the jets i've heard yet: he simply hasn't learned the playbook. over and over, this is reiterated, which makes favre sound senile, because he's been in practice with the jets and been playing with them and how hard can a mangini playbook even be and yet here he is throwing to the wrong team entirely, multiple times, because he does not understand the playbook. the thing is, brett favre is a guy with 291 lifetime interceptions. unless you are pitching the idea that he didn't understand green bay's playbook, the interceptions are not the fault of some kind of communications breakdown. they're brett favre's fault, because he is some kind of john mccain of quarterbacks: an ancient, grizzly war veteran, talented at charming the pants off the press, but with no judgment and a temper like a firecracker.**

remember how vinny testaverde got off his riding mower, walked into a stadium, and won three games in a row with no practice whatsoever? i guess brett's just no testaverde, huh?

maybe i'll just boycott football next week; i mean, the giants are off.

* no, smart-ass, i do not mean the super bowl.
** i am the first person to make a john mccain-brett favre joke that has nothing to do with age and i claim my $5.

i ain't got no more fingernails

discombobulated poorly-written thoughts on our 2008 new york football giants.

unrelated: pineapple express is a pretty entertaining movie! james franco as a filthy stoner looks exactly like my cousin michael. it was odd to see! but still, i got over it and the movie was fun to watch though not entirely memorable.

helping you to understand our financial crises, part 1 in a series

further mustache update

>:[

i'm an idiot, and i'm your boyfriend

megan wrote a rather hilarious thing about men she calls "the unfuckables"; people who just seemingly don't want to get laid based on the things that come out of their mouths. megan is the just about the only person i know who has more "oh, what the fuck?" stories about men than i do, so i'm inspired to just go ahead and add onto her list with my own archives of lolpain:

1. please do not put on american psycho and then try to have sex with me. just...don't.
2. coming to my apartment, pointing at my record collection, and announcing--in the most bob-costas-admire-my-gravitas voice possible--that it is "not very good, at all" is kind of a one-way ticket to spending the night with fleshbot instead. especially if your idea of "good" is autechre and plaid.
3. in general, when around a lady, it is best not to tell her that she doesn't have the breasts to pull off a sweater like that.
4. in a similar vein to #3, don't then tell said lady that you think some hollywood actress you saw naked online has better tits "but only because her nipples are darker." the caveat does not make it less mindbogglingly stupid.
5. don't sell my cell phone number to your co-workers who also want to have sex with me. if you do sell my phone number in such a fashion, don't try to call me again asking me out yourself. and if somehow you've failed so badly that you've taken all the previous steps, do not be shocked when i scream at you and say, "well, i just thought you'd be into that."
6. stating that you have a crush on holly hunter, and then also stating that holly hunter reminds you of your mom? that's a little creepy.
7. so you say you have a rasputin imitation, hmmm? i do not want to see it. okay? ever.
8. if i ask for a glass of port, please give me a glass of port. do not tell me, very seriously, that i cannot have a glass of port because women are not allowed to drink port. no one has ever heard of this "rule."
9. accusing me of sleeping with music critics to get that oh-so-coveted invite to the village voice pazz & jop balloting is kind of like accusing someone of sleeping with people to get their hands on a bargin bin copy of all the sad young literary men.
10. if your roommate tries to sexually assault me, don't yell at me for it. additionally, do not continue bringing it up and blaming me and carrying on about it long after you and i have broken up.
11. always a winning move: calling up your ex at 3 in the morning on a wednesday to invite her over to do coke with you. bonus points if, when questioned about the coke, you then become defensive and scream that someone put a gram of coke into your pocket without you noticing.
12. no, i was not ever a voice-over actress playing a nurse in a venezuelan children's cartoon program. i'm not sure where you got that idea or why you called me at 1am to yell at me about it or why such a thing, if it were true, would even make a man yell, but...i give up.
13. no, i don't think you should wake up my sleeping roommate by trying to make-out with her.
14. if you post all over the entire internet claiming i gave you a hand job, don't get all cry-face when i then go onto the said-same internet and post that you are a liar. also: hand-job? are you max fischer?
15. statements like "your problem is that you are not ready for my love" guarantee that i will never be in the same room with you again.
16. why are you crying at texas chainsaw massacre? why?
17. the time to jizz on me is not after i've passed out from a blood sugar spike. (edit: to quell confusion, there was no sexual relations going on prior to pass out.)
18. please stop loudly telling my friends about how much you resemble prince when, just for starters, you are a nerdy white dude from jersey. it makes my friends laugh at me. especially when you start talking about how you "get" black culture in general.
19. do not ever take bits of my hair out of my trash can and keep them.
20. also, do not ask me what perfume i wear, and then go buy it to spray your entire house with.

that's enough for now.

dear jeffrey sebelia,

i had such a huge crush on you when you were on project runway, but seeing that dov charney bullshit you've grown on your face last night on top design (which i only even watched because you were on it!) is making me re-evaluate my entire taste in men. could they all do that kind of nonsense? i mean, i am at the point where i am imagining running into my high school boyfriend and he will have that, on his face (never mind that i know for a fact that he is now fat, and married, and has childrens, and is a fancy businessman [who probably no longer has a job, due to the fact that we set wall street on fire, three days ago, and is now a boxcar hobo hiding out at the indian reservation, praying for rain and killing coyotes for food] so ergo he definitely does not have a thing like that growing out of his upper lip).

THANKS FOR NOTHING, JEFFREY.

<3
ally

UPDATE: here is the only photo i could find of this monstrosity:

about last night's cowboys-eagles game...

this is what watching it felt like:

epic

finally, the nfl's two worst mascots come together in one gif to do epic nuclear battle. i've been waiting for this my whole life.

you may ask yourself, why does ally continue to occasionally read deadspin?

hey jack-off, you could at least spell your sort-of coworker's name right.

i'm usually not a huge grammar/typo/spelling nazi or anything, but really? really? you get paid for your inability to spell a three-letter name and your pathetically unfunny, godawful michael phelps jokes? adam schefter should punch you in the face. and then run for president!

great moments in nonsense, volume 17

big baby (nj): I've heard that you rail against teams like the Red Sox and Yankees for "ruining" baseball with the way they spend copious amounts of money. What about teams like the Twins who have a billionaire owner who nickels and dimes his franchise? AKA get off your high horse and get a clue.

YEAH, CRAIG FINN! FUCK YOU! GET OVER YOURSELF AND YOUR BIG STUPID BAND, THE TWINS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF HOBOS ANYWAY! YEAH!

fresh direct elitists: endorsing a presidential candidate?

JUST LOOK AT THEIR "PRESIDENT'S PICK" SPECIAL!

in our "never forget" mode still

(thanks to brian for this amazing work)

never forget!

in honor of 9/11, here is a flying eagle.

it's the little things that get you through the day

this is what it looks like, when i work.

this is the cutest thing i've seen in 3 years.

i'm going to get it tattooed on me!! if i find a tattoo parlor magically in the next hour, in my office, before i forget about it, at least.

fyi, kurt wild is not his real name

A 22-year-old has been fired from a branch of sandwich chain Subway after a customer recognised him from his gay porn work and complained.

Kurt Wild, who has appeared for Freshmen and Buckshot, was employed in a restaurant near St Louis, Missouri.

He said in an email to BGay.com:

"A customer said they wouldn't even eat there at Subway anymore because of my past work and said that if I wasn't fired then they would boycott the store.

okay, so. how did this customer phrase this complaint, exactly? to put this into some form of context and really beat the obvious, i doubt i'd recognize a single person i've ever seen in pornography if they walked right up to me and asked to buy me a beer, much less just seeing them in a hideous subway uniform, making me a shitty sandwich. so...?

omg what

(seriously, what is with the palin pick? she undermines his experience platform, she's dumber than a bag of rocks, and she's a psychotic super-christian creationist who hates fags and abortionists so how is she gonna get those "hillary swing voters" again? this seems like a brett favre hail mary but no one is having fun out there, and no one looks like a kid.)

coincidence? or does this just not make any sense as a joke?

about ten seconds before the hillary clinton "tribute video"* came on, ross and i mentioned the kool aid man. i thought it was apt. is this funny or am i crazy?

* as i told ross, when you guys make me a tribute video, it better include "treatment bound" and none of this "are you gonna go my way?" shit that was in hillary's. also must involve hannah montana wig, a sam elliot impersonator, and i should be on fire, and riding a motorcycle. thanks in advance for doing this and not making me a lame tribute video.

and speaking of american heroes

please click the image above and read the whole thing. i know the adam schefter wiki is going to revert back to its boring form very soon and we need to keep this. for history's sake.

on environmentalism

the main thing that i fail to get about this ongoing saga about the supposedly environmentally-friendly wooden keys that do not work at the downtown sheraton is this: how in god's fucking name is creating entirely brand-new keys made out of formerly living trees, sustainable harvesting or no, somehow greener than just continuing to use the already-existing plastic cards that can be reused until the magnetic strip wears out, at which point they can be recycled?

anyone?

i hope the wizard of oz trees come and attack these people. it seems unlikely, but as i just said to alex, in a world where chromeo and daryl hall hang out and talk about the vineyards anything can happen.

we can be heroes, just for one day

crystalpepsi, originally uploaded by agent_skwrl.

thanks anders!

profiles in courage

anyone see the dude i just spotted on msnbc at the convention holding up the "bring back crystal pepsi" protest sign? we tried to screenshot it on our fancy computer television and APPARENTLY IT IS GOOD FOR NOTHING. anyone?

obama/chromeo '08

obama/chromeo '08, originally uploaded by allyzay.

brian is a hero to many, especially me, for creating this image.

corporate goth

“A co-worker might be afraid of you because they know that you’re goth, because of your face, or because you do strange things like play role-playing games and think you’re a vampire,” says Scurry. “People can get turned off by that in the workplace.”

uh, you think? what i don't get about this is the insistence on bringing up your personal shit at work. why on earth would you be telling your coworkers that you like role-playing games or that you think you are a vampire? i have a really impressive drinking hobby but you don't see me explaining it to all and sundry, and i work at time out! hell, kids, just shut up about being vampires and no one is going to get all in your business. it's a simple equation! you don't need a new job just cos you wanna be crazy, you need a new common sense.

is this what they do now instead of bleeping ppl?

if so i approve, but...what the hell?



just watch it through to the end. also -- do cats eat spaghetti?

never gets old

wow

30 is the new 12

this article on interviewing has some good (albeit completely common sense, "people have to be told this?") advice in it. however, i was completely mystified by this line: "If you were born in 1980 or later, expect some culture shock when you enter the workforce."

if you were born in 1980 and you still have yet to enter the workforce, you should be shot in the fucking face for wasting everyone's time and oxygen and basic life force. being born in 1980 would make you almost thirty. i should know, having been born in 1980! i've been in the workforce for 13 years. i mean, good god, what have you been doing with your time if you are just now entering the working classes?

go, go godzilla

this is pretty much the most epic thing i've ever seen in a comic.

zelda

zelda, originally uploaded by allyzay.

this is zelda. she is one of many german shepherds my family has had throughout my whole life. if i remember this all correctly, she was a couple-years-later replacement for roxy, who was given to people who owned a farm (FOR REAL, GUYS) because we lived in a small condo and the dog was too hyperactive--it was cruel to keep her there, she spent her days herding me, basically. when we moved to a larger place, we got another one.

a few years later (maybe less time? it's funny what years of drinking does to your memory, isn't it?), my mom comes across a german shepherd, actually from germany. he was a police dog who was being rejected from the force for being "too silly." that is a straight-up translated actual quote. so my mother, always with dollar signs in her eyes, takes him with hopes of producing adorable german shepherd puppies. i have serious misgivings with my mother's obsession with breeding dogs starting and ending with the word "overpopulation problem," but that's not really the point of this post so i'll just stop there.

anyway, multiple sexy time attempts later, my mom is informed by a dog gynocologist (how does one find themselves in this profession?) that zelda, who is nearly twice the size of a normal female shepherd and almost as large as the police dog, now named zeus, is not really a girl dog. she's a hermaphrodite!

my mother then exasperatedly purchased a different german shepherd, kali--a real lottery win for my dad, at this point, who loves shepherds and has now found himself with a veritable bonanza of them--only to quickly find out that kali is very much against the idea of sex with boys, and zeus is too interested in playing and acting like a kid out there (he gives piggy back rides to the smaller dogs, for real) to really force the issue. this brought a final end to the german shepherd breeding saga.

zelda was a very sweet dog who loved to have her photo taken and be cuddled and petted. she had a stroke two days ago, which made it hard for her to keep her head up, resulting in the constantly tipped, quizzical head she's sporting in the above picture. her condition got worse and she was put to sleep yesterday, the end. my dad and mom and two sisters took her picture a bunch of times and cuddled with her and fed her a hot dog (?? i don't know what this is about and don't care to ask, some kind of voodoo i'm assuming) and zelda always loved car rides so at least she went out pretty happy.

and of course my mom chooses this time to inform me that zeus will also have to be put down soon too, on account of him developing the infamous german shepherd hips. it's a wonderful week, everyone! zeus, enjoy the hot dogs, whatever that is even about, while you can.

really looking forward to pineapple express

See more James Franco videos at Funny or Die

james franco is pretty awesome, isn't he?

lying liars and the lies they tell

i was at dinner tonight and sat near us was a table with a flamboyant young gentleman and two very vacuous young hipster girls. this man did nothing but tell them outrageous, obvious lies, which they bought wholesale, no questions asked. this culminated to the point which this man was telling them that they stole a manatee from the georgetown zoo (i'm unclear if he meant the guyana zoo or the national zoo in d.c., since neither are actually called "georgetown zoo" -- i lean towards d.c., since he was talking of d.c. earlier, but later he was talking about the west african coast so who knows) and ate it.

it took a lot of control not to yell "bullshit" at this point.

so, you know, giving the guy the benefit of the doubt that somehow they stole a two-ton aquatic animal from a zoo and then figured out how to eat it at home, i kept my mouth shut, but a pretty exhaustive google search reveals i should've stuck with my instinct to yell "bullshit."

i just want to know how incredibly stupid those two girls had to be that they didn't ask a single question about this, or even really comment, beyond one of them lamenting, "you ate shamu!"

you know, shamu. the killer whale. from sea world. it's easy to see how one would confuse shamu with a manatee from either d.c. or guyana.

there are many days in which, ultimately, i desperately hate everyone in new york.

did i mention this young man had earlier claimed he and some friends had, very recently (meaning, in new york city somewhere), eaten a walrus?

"maybe if her sport was DRINKING, that would be appropriate"

you know, i'm still unsure as to why michael kors thought his drink-themed zings were very good zings at all on last night's episode of project runway. hearing the teaser where he yells, "where is she from? the republic of cocktails?" or whatever it is he exactly says, alex and i looked at each other and agreed, this was a dress we needed to see very much indeed.

this is the dress in question:



which, you might note, doesn't really look like a person from the republic of cocktails at all. it looks like a poorly made dress for girls who think they are betty page. something you'd buy from stop staring's website, perhaps. such a disappointment! tim gunn's zing of this outfit -- if it was a uniform for an olympics airline, he'd buy it -- is much better and apt, though really very meow meow, tim.

now this is an outfit that looks like someone whose sport is drinking:



and here is an outfit for someone whose olympic sport is being a virgin:


(this dowdy monstrosity got the designer kicked from the program, mercifully. she claims to be a surrealist designer. i really have no idea what she's talking about when she says this, and neither do you -- look at that image, and then perhaps look at the one directly above it, from another designer on the exact same television program, and wonder where this girl is getting her drugs. her boring drugs.)

of course, all three of these designers, along with cheroine and suede bluehawk, spend approximately 78% of their air time screaming and bitching and crying about how none of these challenges are "what [they] do." it's constant, unending, and without fail they all pull things out of their asses during these competitions that have fuck all to do with the assignment they were given. for example -- all of these outfits in this post are all supposed to be uniforms for the united states olympic team.

so, yes, obviously, you are going, "oh! of course! why didn't i see that?" ha ha, i'm just kidding, you're not thinking this at all. you're thinking, "oh...? ohhhhhhhh. huh." you might even have your hand on your cheek, thinking that you're concerned.

it's just infuriating to watch at this point. never before have there been such a crew of designers on this show so utterly inflexible, unwilling to bend their "style" at all. i can't stand to hear them say this, especially when "what [they] do" is such insane what-the-fuckery. what on earth did these five think they were getting into when they auditioned for project runway if not a series of wacky projects meant to challenge their stances as designers?

it's exhausting to watch, at times. i found myself looking forward to shear genius last night and worried for this season, basically. hopefully in a week or two, they'll have weeded out more idiots and things will get down to business, but honestly -- guys, just do your goddamned assignments.

then i wonder why i'm gaining so much weight

the jucy lucy, originally uploaded by allyzay.

this is so nasty, isn't it? oh well. i'm not sure there's been a less appealing photo of a food item ever taken. you're liable to murder yourself trying to eat this, since there's no controlling the squirting molten cheese, really. anyone who says there is a way to control it is a liar.

plenty more pix from the minneapolis trip here.

mystery solved!

my mom informs me that this is the chupacabra. when questioned as to why a chupacabra would be in montauk, she said, quite rationally, that it probably escaped from a shipment of goats going past long island.

so, everyone go home. nothing to see here!

sigh

does anyone here have any employment leads? side jobs, freelance jobs, actual real jobs...whatever. i can't bear working here anymore. i do a tremendous amount of work, significant portions of other people's work, suggestions i make are ignored or misunderstood so badly that i might as well have kept my mouth shut, the commute is pretty meh, and i'm underpaid by at least $8k. i just am not sure that some of these people have ever seen computers before, which is unfortunate since, you know, i do online stuff.

but no one is hiring. as much as i love getting called by people who then explicitly tell me that they're probably just going to hire from within, but need to advertise outside for legal reasons, it's kind of grating!

maybe i should just realize that 90% of the adult world goes to work on a daily basis and somehow those people do not become suicidal or homicidal...but then when i say that, i remember that 60% of the people i work with are doing maybe 2/3rds of their own jobs, tops. so, yeah.

blah blah blah, whatever, i guess. i think when i get back from minneapolis, i'm going to demand a raise. or i'll just stop coming in, which seems probably better for my psyche.

look what girls did to the internet

URGENT PONY NEWS!

DEVELOPING...

ok, i don't actually have any pony news, but when i do, or when you do, might i suggest using this new pony version of drudgesiren.gif?

yes, today is slow.

new american heroes, OR further advancements in bacon cups

so i've discovered a website selling a product called bacon salt. bacon salt is, apparently, a vegetarian, kosher-certified, zero calorie seasoning salt that tastes exactly like bacon! this is amazing. as one of the reviews on the site says, why would you settle for fries when you can have bacon fries? vegetarians and jews -- often noted by everyone else in the world for how much they're always bitching about how they wish they could just eat one piece of bacon already as if anyone is stopping them besides their own consciences -- can finally enjoy the great taste of bacon again, without the animal murder or the god fear!

so we're going to buy this product and have a tasting party, by which i mean, "we're going to get progressively drunk while putting bacon salt on every edible item we can get our hands on." i'm thinking of putting bacon salt on chocolate ice cream; bacon coke (either kind) and tomatoes (obviously?? why was this suggested?) are all on the board right now too. feel free to throw your own ideas in the comments! this is going to be an exciting labor day activity for all of us.

also, my favorite thing about the whole venture? the fact that it was apparently funded by a win on america's funniest home videos.

UPDATE: ok, my second favorite thing about the whole venture? the bacon salt lolcats that have sprung up around it.

it's just like an m. night shyamalan film

muppet face is sweeping the nation!

:D, originally uploaded by allyzay.

:D

thanks everyone who came to our party. there are more pix where this one came from, on the flickr. don't worry. the camera was only out briefly and most of you managed to avoid.

the worst outfit in the world

i saw a girl on the subway today wearing all of these items, together, at one time:

(except grey, not black)
(except more floral-y)

(top items tucked into pants. her pants also had weird seaming on them)
(except grey, i guess to theoretically "match" the hat)

she also had a giant blue rusted bike with a basket on front, and was of course dragging this onto the train during the tail end of rush hour. because she has just arrived, today, from the planet ork, and knows nothing of our earth customs.

seriously, i hope you read this, anonymous lady with the ridiculous outfit and the over-dyed black short hair and the strange sooty eye make-up (i'm certain that the combo of make-up and hair was meant to invoke the '20s, but the overall effect became a little more like "rejected extra from benny & joon"), because i'm certain none of your friends have told you yet how absolutely abhorrent you look today.

and even if you get offended and disagree and keep dressing like robin williams's drunken baby sister, at least keep your enormous fucking bike off the rush hour express trains.

thanks!!

get in the car!

i still haven't gotten this book, guys. just in case you were trying to figure out the best housewarming gift you could get.

"did you hear about that guy who tried to blow things up at the super bowl this year?"

my mom sent me an e-mail this morning, which contained only one line: "did you hear about that guy who tried to blow things up at the super bowl this year?" i naturally assumed this was a "tom brady, whatta crybaby!" joke but apparently it wasn't. after going back and forth for several e-mails about what a "big story" this was (during which it changed from blowing things up to shooting people) and how surprising it was i hadn't heard about it, without receiving an explanation or a link, i finally just said, "why don't you TELL me about this story?"

this is the e-mail i received in return:

Okay...[your sister] is going to a kick boxing class. It turns out [your junior high school best friend] is also going to this class. Supposedly she's a rather large girl these days! She told [your sister] she was even 70 lbs heavier at one point!!!!!
When she had her baby, she got sick with a form of like a rheumatoid arthritis. She was on all kinds of medicine including steroids, which pack the weight on. Well, she finally got it all under control and was feeling better so they had a second baby and it acted up all over again - so that's her story. She's still married to that guy (I can't remember his name) and they have two boys.
So [your sister] asked about [bf's sister]. HAHAHAHA Well [bf's sister] got pregnant when she was 17 - which we already knew. She didn't stay with that guy very long. She eventually hooked up with this other guy who is like 10-12 years older than her. They have two kids together so she has 3 now. Well this guy was trying to open a restaurant but Tempe wouldn't give him a liquor license to make it more of a bar. It was supposed to be called "Drunkensteins"

i guess all this impregnation makes sense, but that wasn't the type of "guy who blew things up at the super bowl" that i thought was meant.

pretty much the truth from what i remember

i should stop agreeing to go to these parties with alex. this account is missing the dramatic street readings of gessen's tour de force. i am excited to see those videos.

alex did indeed win those tickets to 80s night at webster hall -- anyone want them? hell if we're going to something like that. i was dragged there exactly once. we met two men who kept claiming to be sailors, but their stories kept changing as to where they were from, where they were docked, why they were even in new york so far after fleet week...so on and so forth. then some terrible person spilled a very weak girl drink (i want to say it was a sex on the beach, made very poorly) all over my dress. we heard "down under" four times because there was an australian bachelorette party in the crowd and, apparently, aussies are all stereotypes of aussies.

i would also like to add that all of the bartenderesses at merchant's need to be fired, yesterday. and their sangria? are you watering it down with o.j.? ban this sick stunt.

if the decision makers were better, they wouldn't be working here

dear maura,

yes. this week's cover is really gross looking. last week's cover, with the lady with spinach-encrusted teeth, was gross looking. you're also forgetting the cover from a few more weeks back -- the cheap eats issue -- which featured a woman's mouth salaciously licking some disgusting-looking sauce off a plate (sauce was also dripping on her hands, natch).

this is also the publication that keeps putting the exact same poorly written "how to be an internet star" article that julia allison wrote months ago on the front page of the website every time she's vaguely referenced by mainstream media. this is the same publisher that put an insanely glamour airbrushed to the point of unrecognizable photo of abigail breslin, who is something like 10 years old, on the cover of a magazine. these are the people who thought that a date with top chef's lisa fernandes was a prize! i mean, the list of offenses being committed here daily are very high indeed.

the apparently constant "we're 13-year-old boys" oral sex photography is really the least of the worries here.

still, it's fucking gross.

sincerely yours,
ally

ps hope to see you fridaysaturday (your writer doesn't know what day her own parties are, it seems)! let's dissect this cover in further disgusting detail.

UPDATE: tehresa, do you mean something like this?:

i think that's a good idea. we should recreate this trend for the party!

what the...?

ok, so i admit that i couldn't stop watching this because, seriously, what the...? that's all i can say about it. except for this: why is it that, starting with that idiotic snl rap, no one will call out all these retarded shorts natalie portman is constantly in for what they are: thinly-veiled hipster racism? i mean...seriously? is it just that i really don't like natalie portman (so shoot me, she's a terrible actress and she's in terrible movies, like the one where she lives in a wal-mart and has a baby and then samuel l. jackson shows up and fights dennis franz or whoever it was from nypd blue and it probably had, like, harry connick jr. in it, because he's just that type of dude and also we had to see ewan mcgregor's cock again and then that really unsexy strip tease that made clive owen look so vomitous? -- i hated that movie), or is it just kind of not really that funny for hip white new yorkers to just be openly and repeatedly ridiculing other cultures? do it in the privacy of your own home while blowing rails, guys. not on the public teevee.

this clip is really fucked up though, i mean because of the octopus thing mostly.

it's basically just pure nonsense that is amusing me at this junction in my life

when i see something like this, and i can't stop laughing at it, i start to wonder: am i turning into my mom?

ghosts of internet past

my mom re-sent this to me today. if you actually watch it through, everything you ever see again for the next 4 months will remind you of david hasselhoff, because everything that has ever existed in the world is in this video.

this fuckin cat

$2k is a very reasonable price for any suite of living room funiture

much less living room furniture formerly in james brown's house.

i heard the sharks have come back to martha's vineyard

a) that shark just roared like a goddamned lion
b) exploding shark!

MY MIND. BLOWN.

"that girl" is one of...THOSE girls

What is the most life-changing book you've ever read?

Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. Rand said things I’d never heard before. For a young girl who had just spent 12 years at Marymount here I was reading that there was no such thing as original sin! Wow. Rand also said something I have never forgotten: “It’s not the strong people of the world who will kill you. It’s the weak ones.”
By Marlo Thomas on 05/09/2008 9:43 am

seriously? what. the. fuck? more like "free to be me and you go fuck yourself already" amiright?


fyi, this is marlo thomas, and she is going to crush you, just btw

a touch of sadness on a friday

Alex: In what will be his first job since the blockbuster "Iron Man," Robert Downey Jr. is set to star in "Sherlock Holmes," the drama that Guy Ritchie will direct for Warner Bros.
;_;
;_;
;_;
;_;
;_;
;_;
;_;
me: ugh guy ritchie
Alex: i know
me: he's fucking TERRIBLE
he still gets work?
Alex: robert downie jr as sherlock holmes = a++++++++
but then
guy richie ;_;
me: yeah
it's like [REDACTED] hitting on some hot chick in a bar only to find out it is a transvestite
Alex: lolol
me: that is what that description is, to me. my personal transvestite

the greatest actor of our generation

<3 <3 <3 <3

every second of the night, i live another life

i had a dream last saturday night (i went to bed at like 4 am, so maybe i should say morning) that we were all in jail. it turns out that, in dreamland, jon williams had become a cocaine kingpin. the details were sketchy to me as to what exactly the rest of us did to get involved with this--were we his buyers? were we helping him run drugs? were we dealing?--but when the fuzz caught up with jon, he ratted us all out. it was basically everyone: alex, laurel, theresa, ross, bill, richard, somehow matos, so on and so forth. so, 25th hour-style, everyone decided to go to a nightclub and get really smashed on coke and booze prior to turning ourselves in at midnight to the jailers. amazingly, i was the voice of reason in all of this, trying to convince people that perhaps showing up high and drunk for our drug-related sentencing was not a great idea considering our predicament, but no one else agreed.

i'm thinking of this because alex just posted this thing about work dreams, and i remember very clearly that one of his arguments for partying it up was that "denton will come bail [him] out anyway" (apparently the rest of us could rot in hell for all dream alex cared).

why am i having dreams referencing someone else's work? why did i have this dream at all? in what world would jon have been able to become a drug lord? also, why were we all going to the same jail? i would've preferred to go to sexy ladies prison and had sexy lady time with my sexy lady friends, thank you very much.

anderson cougar

seriously, this cat looks like anderson cooper. this kitten is not my boo!

no olympics in nazi germany part ii

so apparently berlin has installed some kind of wacky gps-driven BERLIN WALL exhibit along the site of the former symbol for basically the entire cold war and a whole lot of awful shit for the people on the eastern side of it. the reason: tourists kept coming to berlin and asking where the hell the famous wall is.

things i would not ask when visiting berlin: "where is the wall?" because, unlike the rest of the western world apparently, i remember that it was torn down. are these people thinking of china?

what the fuck is wrong with everyone?

patriotism fail

i blame keith and his dog obsession for this.

"the fall hazzard"

i've decided to spend the last half-hourish of my day today not working, but rather fucking around with the tv show name mash-up generator whatever what a catchy name they've got here. here are the funniest. post your funniest in the comments! let's all make america a little less productive (see post below).

teenage mutant ninja guy
the king of criminal intent (this is actually a movie starring christopher walken)
the muppet dad
dance fatman
fantasy strokes (ok, so this one isn't a tv show per se)
scarecrow and people
married...with bear
diagnosis: comfort
my so-called men
dukes of miami
i dream of consequences (me too, my friend. me too)
everybody loves stooges
mama's men
csi: boss?
three's couple (i did that one time and it really, really wasn't what it was cracked up to be)
my mother the beaver
what i like about company
M*A*S*H you
doogie howser, hazzard
mystery science rider (hopefully starring nic cage and sam elliot)
the king of standing
return of the man from flipper
suddenly quest
diagnosis: ghost
space hulk (!!!!!!!! seriously, i would watch space hulk)
planet of the fatman (i have watched this, on discovery health)
the price is fire
judging theater
battlestar street
wheel of no deal
i love beaver
suddenly house
amazing incredible! (this is already on spike tv's "duty free television" segment)
you bet your anatomy
touched by house

BONUS FACT: i shit you not, one of the times i hit the "mash up" button it simply presented me with "family guy." commentary or coincidence? you be the judge!

you know, i went to public school too.

i know a great bar that is friendly to your children! it's called your house! stay there!

time out kids provides the world with a handy list of bars to diligently avoid whenever possible.

UPDATE: related news from the imdb forums!

everybody wang chung tonight

i need a new job.

material hurl

when i saw this image out of the corner of my eye while packing, i said out loud to alex, that it was the worst post headline i've seen in ages. "justify my glove"! god, honestly?

so, it comes to no surprise to me that it did not come from the professional punsters at the post that came up with the other day's "genius" "andy express" on the back page (honestly for everyone -- what does that even mean? is it a pun on pony express? is pettite delivering mail?), but rather from fucking deadspin.

seriously, there is not another site in the gawker media empire -- not jezebel, not io9, not jalopnik, not fleshbot -- that i would rather read less than deadspin.

"justify my glove"! justify my go fuck yourself! justify the fact that having a penis gets you a sports writer job while i was denied one! aggggh.

(ps madonna, a-rod? please tell me this is lies.)

why do i continue to hang out with you?

My Recent Ratings, originally uploaded by WIZARDISHUNGRY.

jon, your taste is smackable.

this would be funny except there are probably people who have sex with pasta, aren't there?

i'm glad it has a yelp page, just in case i want to eat there next time i'm in la!