Thursday, July 31

mystery solved!

my mom informs me that this is the chupacabra. when questioned as to why a chupacabra would be in montauk, she said, quite rationally, that it probably escaped from a shipment of goats going past long island.

so, everyone go home. nothing to see here!


does anyone here have any employment leads? side jobs, freelance jobs, actual real jobs...whatever. i can't bear working here anymore. i do a tremendous amount of work, significant portions of other people's work, suggestions i make are ignored or misunderstood so badly that i might as well have kept my mouth shut, the commute is pretty meh, and i'm underpaid by at least $8k. i just am not sure that some of these people have ever seen computers before, which is unfortunate since, you know, i do online stuff.

but no one is hiring. as much as i love getting called by people who then explicitly tell me that they're probably just going to hire from within, but need to advertise outside for legal reasons, it's kind of grating!

maybe i should just realize that 90% of the adult world goes to work on a daily basis and somehow those people do not become suicidal or homicidal...but then when i say that, i remember that 60% of the people i work with are doing maybe 2/3rds of their own jobs, tops. so, yeah.

blah blah blah, whatever, i guess. i think when i get back from minneapolis, i'm going to demand a raise. or i'll just stop coming in, which seems probably better for my psyche.

Wednesday, July 30

look what girls did to the internet



ok, i don't actually have any pony news, but when i do, or when you do, might i suggest using this new pony version of drudgesiren.gif?

yes, today is slow.

new american heroes, OR further advancements in bacon cups

so i've discovered a website selling a product called bacon salt. bacon salt is, apparently, a vegetarian, kosher-certified, zero calorie seasoning salt that tastes exactly like bacon! this is amazing. as one of the reviews on the site says, why would you settle for fries when you can have bacon fries? vegetarians and jews -- often noted by everyone else in the world for how much they're always bitching about how they wish they could just eat one piece of bacon already as if anyone is stopping them besides their own consciences -- can finally enjoy the great taste of bacon again, without the animal murder or the god fear!

so we're going to buy this product and have a tasting party, by which i mean, "we're going to get progressively drunk while putting bacon salt on every edible item we can get our hands on." i'm thinking of putting bacon salt on chocolate ice cream; bacon coke (either kind) and tomatoes (obviously?? why was this suggested?) are all on the board right now too. feel free to throw your own ideas in the comments! this is going to be an exciting labor day activity for all of us.

also, my favorite thing about the whole venture? the fact that it was apparently funded by a win on america's funniest home videos.

UPDATE: ok, my second favorite thing about the whole venture? the bacon salt lolcats that have sprung up around it.

Monday, July 28

muppet face is sweeping the nation!

:D, originally uploaded by allyzay.


thanks everyone who came to our party. there are more pix where this one came from, on the flickr. don't worry. the camera was only out briefly and most of you managed to avoid.

the worst outfit in the world

i saw a girl on the subway today wearing all of these items, together, at one time:

(except grey, not black)
(except more floral-y)

(top items tucked into pants. her pants also had weird seaming on them)
(except grey, i guess to theoretically "match" the hat)

she also had a giant blue rusted bike with a basket on front, and was of course dragging this onto the train during the tail end of rush hour. because she has just arrived, today, from the planet ork, and knows nothing of our earth customs.

seriously, i hope you read this, anonymous lady with the ridiculous outfit and the over-dyed black short hair and the strange sooty eye make-up (i'm certain that the combo of make-up and hair was meant to invoke the '20s, but the overall effect became a little more like "rejected extra from benny & joon"), because i'm certain none of your friends have told you yet how absolutely abhorrent you look today.

and even if you get offended and disagree and keep dressing like robin williams's drunken baby sister, at least keep your enormous fucking bike off the rush hour express trains.


Friday, July 25

get in the car!

i still haven't gotten this book, guys. just in case you were trying to figure out the best housewarming gift you could get.

"did you hear about that guy who tried to blow things up at the super bowl this year?"

my mom sent me an e-mail this morning, which contained only one line: "did you hear about that guy who tried to blow things up at the super bowl this year?" i naturally assumed this was a "tom brady, whatta crybaby!" joke but apparently it wasn't. after going back and forth for several e-mails about what a "big story" this was (during which it changed from blowing things up to shooting people) and how surprising it was i hadn't heard about it, without receiving an explanation or a link, i finally just said, "why don't you TELL me about this story?"

this is the e-mail i received in return:

Okay...[your sister] is going to a kick boxing class. It turns out [your junior high school best friend] is also going to this class. Supposedly she's a rather large girl these days! She told [your sister] she was even 70 lbs heavier at one point!!!!!
When she had her baby, she got sick with a form of like a rheumatoid arthritis. She was on all kinds of medicine including steroids, which pack the weight on. Well, she finally got it all under control and was feeling better so they had a second baby and it acted up all over again - so that's her story. She's still married to that guy (I can't remember his name) and they have two boys.
So [your sister] asked about [bf's sister]. HAHAHAHA Well [bf's sister] got pregnant when she was 17 - which we already knew. She didn't stay with that guy very long. She eventually hooked up with this other guy who is like 10-12 years older than her. They have two kids together so she has 3 now. Well this guy was trying to open a restaurant but Tempe wouldn't give him a liquor license to make it more of a bar. It was supposed to be called "Drunkensteins"

i guess all this impregnation makes sense, but that wasn't the type of "guy who blew things up at the super bowl" that i thought was meant.

Thursday, July 24

pretty much the truth from what i remember

i should stop agreeing to go to these parties with alex. this account is missing the dramatic street readings of gessen's tour de force. i am excited to see those videos.

alex did indeed win those tickets to 80s night at webster hall -- anyone want them? hell if we're going to something like that. i was dragged there exactly once. we met two men who kept claiming to be sailors, but their stories kept changing as to where they were from, where they were docked, why they were even in new york so far after fleet on and so forth. then some terrible person spilled a very weak girl drink (i want to say it was a sex on the beach, made very poorly) all over my dress. we heard "down under" four times because there was an australian bachelorette party in the crowd and, apparently, aussies are all stereotypes of aussies.

i would also like to add that all of the bartenderesses at merchant's need to be fired, yesterday. and their sangria? are you watering it down with o.j.? ban this sick stunt.

if the decision makers were better, they wouldn't be working here

dear maura,

yes. this week's cover is really gross looking. last week's cover, with the lady with spinach-encrusted teeth, was gross looking. you're also forgetting the cover from a few more weeks back -- the cheap eats issue -- which featured a woman's mouth salaciously licking some disgusting-looking sauce off a plate (sauce was also dripping on her hands, natch).

this is also the publication that keeps putting the exact same poorly written "how to be an internet star" article that julia allison wrote months ago on the front page of the website every time she's vaguely referenced by mainstream media. this is the same publisher that put an insanely glamour airbrushed to the point of unrecognizable photo of abigail breslin, who is something like 10 years old, on the cover of a magazine. these are the people who thought that a date with top chef's lisa fernandes was a prize! i mean, the list of offenses being committed here daily are very high indeed.

the apparently constant "we're 13-year-old boys" oral sex photography is really the least of the worries here.

still, it's fucking gross.

sincerely yours,

ps hope to see you fridaysaturday (your writer doesn't know what day her own parties are, it seems)! let's dissect this cover in further disgusting detail.

UPDATE: tehresa, do you mean something like this?:

i think that's a good idea. we should recreate this trend for the party!

Wednesday, July 23

what the...?

ok, so i admit that i couldn't stop watching this because, seriously, what the...? that's all i can say about it. except for this: why is it that, starting with that idiotic snl rap, no one will call out all these retarded shorts natalie portman is constantly in for what they are: thinly-veiled hipster racism? i mean...seriously? is it just that i really don't like natalie portman (so shoot me, she's a terrible actress and she's in terrible movies, like the one where she lives in a wal-mart and has a baby and then samuel l. jackson shows up and fights dennis franz or whoever it was from nypd blue and it probably had, like, harry connick jr. in it, because he's just that type of dude and also we had to see ewan mcgregor's cock again and then that really unsexy strip tease that made clive owen look so vomitous? -- i hated that movie), or is it just kind of not really that funny for hip white new yorkers to just be openly and repeatedly ridiculing other cultures? do it in the privacy of your own home while blowing rails, guys. not on the public teevee.

this clip is really fucked up though, i mean because of the octopus thing mostly.

it's basically just pure nonsense that is amusing me at this junction in my life

when i see something like this, and i can't stop laughing at it, i start to wonder: am i turning into my mom?

Monday, July 21

ghosts of internet past

my mom re-sent this to me today. if you actually watch it through, everything you ever see again for the next 4 months will remind you of david hasselhoff, because everything that has ever existed in the world is in this video.

Saturday, July 12

i heard the sharks have come back to martha's vineyard

a) that shark just roared like a goddamned lion
b) exploding shark!


Friday, July 11

"that girl" is one of...THOSE girls

What is the most life-changing book you've ever read?

Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. Rand said things I’d never heard before. For a young girl who had just spent 12 years at Marymount here I was reading that there was no such thing as original sin! Wow. Rand also said something I have never forgotten: “It’s not the strong people of the world who will kill you. It’s the weak ones.”
By Marlo Thomas on 05/09/2008 9:43 am

seriously? what. the. fuck? more like "free to be me and you go fuck yourself already" amiright?

fyi, this is marlo thomas, and she is going to crush you, just btw

a touch of sadness on a friday

Alex: In what will be his first job since the blockbuster "Iron Man," Robert Downey Jr. is set to star in "Sherlock Holmes," the drama that Guy Ritchie will direct for Warner Bros.
me: ugh guy ritchie
Alex: i know
me: he's fucking TERRIBLE
he still gets work?
Alex: robert downie jr as sherlock holmes = a++++++++
but then
guy richie ;_;
me: yeah
it's like [REDACTED] hitting on some hot chick in a bar only to find out it is a transvestite
Alex: lolol
me: that is what that description is, to me. my personal transvestite

the greatest actor of our generation

<3 <3 <3 <3

Thursday, July 10

every second of the night, i live another life

i had a dream last saturday night (i went to bed at like 4 am, so maybe i should say morning) that we were all in jail. it turns out that, in dreamland, jon williams had become a cocaine kingpin. the details were sketchy to me as to what exactly the rest of us did to get involved with this--were we his buyers? were we helping him run drugs? were we dealing?--but when the fuzz caught up with jon, he ratted us all out. it was basically everyone: alex, laurel, theresa, ross, bill, richard, somehow matos, so on and so forth. so, 25th hour-style, everyone decided to go to a nightclub and get really smashed on coke and booze prior to turning ourselves in at midnight to the jailers. amazingly, i was the voice of reason in all of this, trying to convince people that perhaps showing up high and drunk for our drug-related sentencing was not a great idea considering our predicament, but no one else agreed.

i'm thinking of this because alex just posted this thing about work dreams, and i remember very clearly that one of his arguments for partying it up was that "denton will come bail [him] out anyway" (apparently the rest of us could rot in hell for all dream alex cared).

why am i having dreams referencing someone else's work? why did i have this dream at all? in what world would jon have been able to become a drug lord? also, why were we all going to the same jail? i would've preferred to go to sexy ladies prison and had sexy lady time with my sexy lady friends, thank you very much.

anderson cougar

seriously, this cat looks like anderson cooper. this kitten is not my boo!

Wednesday, July 9

no olympics in nazi germany part ii

so apparently berlin has installed some kind of wacky gps-driven BERLIN WALL exhibit along the site of the former symbol for basically the entire cold war and a whole lot of awful shit for the people on the eastern side of it. the reason: tourists kept coming to berlin and asking where the hell the famous wall is.

things i would not ask when visiting berlin: "where is the wall?" because, unlike the rest of the western world apparently, i remember that it was torn down. are these people thinking of china?

what the fuck is wrong with everyone?

patriotism fail

i blame keith and his dog obsession for this.

Tuesday, July 8

"the fall hazzard"

i've decided to spend the last half-hourish of my day today not working, but rather fucking around with the tv show name mash-up generator whatever what a catchy name they've got here. here are the funniest. post your funniest in the comments! let's all make america a little less productive (see post below).

teenage mutant ninja guy
the king of criminal intent (this is actually a movie starring christopher walken)
the muppet dad
dance fatman
fantasy strokes (ok, so this one isn't a tv show per se)
scarecrow and people
married...with bear
diagnosis: comfort
my so-called men
dukes of miami
i dream of consequences (me too, my friend. me too)
everybody loves stooges
mama's men
csi: boss?
three's couple (i did that one time and it really, really wasn't what it was cracked up to be)
my mother the beaver
what i like about company
M*A*S*H you
doogie howser, hazzard
mystery science rider (hopefully starring nic cage and sam elliot)
the king of standing
return of the man from flipper
suddenly quest
diagnosis: ghost
space hulk (!!!!!!!! seriously, i would watch space hulk)
planet of the fatman (i have watched this, on discovery health)
the price is fire
judging theater
battlestar street
wheel of no deal
i love beaver
suddenly house
amazing incredible! (this is already on spike tv's "duty free television" segment)
you bet your anatomy
touched by house

BONUS FACT: i shit you not, one of the times i hit the "mash up" button it simply presented me with "family guy." commentary or coincidence? you be the judge!

you know, i went to public school too.

Tuesday, July 1

material hurl

when i saw this image out of the corner of my eye while packing, i said out loud to alex, that it was the worst post headline i've seen in ages. "justify my glove"! god, honestly?

so, it comes to no surprise to me that it did not come from the professional punsters at the post that came up with the other day's "genius" "andy express" on the back page (honestly for everyone -- what does that even mean? is it a pun on pony express? is pettite delivering mail?), but rather from fucking deadspin.

seriously, there is not another site in the gawker media empire -- not jezebel, not io9, not jalopnik, not fleshbot -- that i would rather read less than deadspin.

"justify my glove"! justify my go fuck yourself! justify the fact that having a penis gets you a sports writer job while i was denied one! aggggh.

(ps madonna, a-rod? please tell me this is lies.)

why do i continue to hang out with you?

My Recent Ratings, originally uploaded by WIZARDISHUNGRY.

jon, your taste is smackable.

this would be funny except there are probably people who have sex with pasta, aren't there?

i'm glad it has a yelp page, just in case i want to eat there next time i'm in la!