Friday, August 29
(seriously, what is with the palin pick? she undermines his experience platform, she's dumber than a bag of rocks, and she's a psychotic super-christian creationist who hates fags and abortionists so how is she gonna get those "hillary swing voters" again? this seems like a brett favre hail mary but no one is having fun out there, and no one looks like a kid.)
Tuesday, August 26
about ten seconds before the hillary clinton "tribute video"* came on, ross and i mentioned the kool aid man. i thought it was apt. is this funny or am i crazy?
* as i told ross, when you guys make me a tribute video, it better include "treatment bound" and none of this "are you gonna go my way?" shit that was in hillary's. also must involve hannah montana wig, a sam elliot impersonator, and i should be on fire, and riding a motorcycle. thanks in advance for doing this and not making me a lame tribute video.
the main thing that i fail to get about this ongoing saga about the supposedly environmentally-friendly wooden keys that do not work at the downtown sheraton is this: how in god's fucking name is creating entirely brand-new keys made out of formerly living trees, sustainable harvesting or no, somehow greener than just continuing to use the already-existing plastic cards that can be reused until the magnetic strip wears out, at which point they can be recycled?
i hope the wizard of oz trees come and attack these people. it seems unlikely, but as i just said to alex, in a world where chromeo and daryl hall hang out and talk about the vineyards anything can happen.
Monday, August 25
Friday, August 22
Thursday, August 21
uh, you think? what i don't get about this is the insistence on bringing up your personal shit at work. why on earth would you be telling your coworkers that you like role-playing games or that you think you are a vampire? i have a really impressive drinking hobby but you don't see me explaining it to all and sundry, and i work at time out! hell, kids, just shut up about being vampires and no one is going to get all in your business. it's a simple equation! you don't need a new job just cos you wanna be crazy, you need a new common sense.
Wednesday, August 20
Monday, August 18
if you were born in 1980 and you still have yet to enter the workforce, you should be shot in the fucking face for wasting everyone's time and oxygen and basic life force. being born in 1980 would make you almost thirty. i should know, having been born in 1980! i've been in the workforce for 13 years. i mean, good god, what have you been doing with your time if you are just now entering the working classes?
Friday, August 15
this is zelda. she is one of many german shepherds my family has had throughout my whole life. if i remember this all correctly, she was a couple-years-later replacement for roxy, who was given to people who owned a farm (FOR REAL, GUYS) because we lived in a small condo and the dog was too hyperactive--it was cruel to keep her there, she spent her days herding me, basically. when we moved to a larger place, we got another one.
a few years later (maybe less time? it's funny what years of drinking does to your memory, isn't it?), my mom comes across a german shepherd, actually from germany. he was a police dog who was being rejected from the force for being "too silly." that is a straight-up translated actual quote. so my mother, always with dollar signs in her eyes, takes him with hopes of producing adorable german shepherd puppies. i have serious misgivings with my mother's obsession with breeding dogs starting and ending with the word "overpopulation problem," but that's not really the point of this post so i'll just stop there.
anyway, multiple sexy time attempts later, my mom is informed by a dog gynocologist (how does one find themselves in this profession?) that zelda, who is nearly twice the size of a normal female shepherd and almost as large as the police dog, now named zeus, is not really a girl dog. she's a hermaphrodite!
my mother then exasperatedly purchased a different german shepherd, kali--a real lottery win for my dad, at this point, who loves shepherds and has now found himself with a veritable bonanza of them--only to quickly find out that kali is very much against the idea of sex with boys, and zeus is too interested in playing and acting like a kid out there (he gives piggy back rides to the smaller dogs, for real) to really force the issue. this brought a final end to the german shepherd breeding saga.
zelda was a very sweet dog who loved to have her photo taken and be cuddled and petted. she had a stroke two days ago, which made it hard for her to keep her head up, resulting in the constantly tipped, quizzical head she's sporting in the above picture. her condition got worse and she was put to sleep yesterday, the end. my dad and mom and two sisters took her picture a bunch of times and cuddled with her and fed her a hot dog (?? i don't know what this is about and don't care to ask, some kind of voodoo i'm assuming) and zelda always loved car rides so at least she went out pretty happy.
and of course my mom chooses this time to inform me that zeus will also have to be put down soon too, on account of him developing the infamous german shepherd hips. it's a wonderful week, everyone! zeus, enjoy the hot dogs, whatever that is even about, while you can.
Friday, August 8
Thursday, August 7
it took a lot of control not to yell "bullshit" at this point.
so, you know, giving the guy the benefit of the doubt that somehow they stole a two-ton aquatic animal from a zoo and then figured out how to eat it at home, i kept my mouth shut, but a pretty exhaustive google search reveals i should've stuck with my instinct to yell "bullshit."
i just want to know how incredibly stupid those two girls had to be that they didn't ask a single question about this, or even really comment, beyond one of them lamenting, "you ate shamu!"
you know, shamu. the killer whale. from sea world. it's easy to see how one would confuse shamu with a manatee from either d.c. or guyana.
there are many days in which, ultimately, i desperately hate everyone in new york.
did i mention this young man had earlier claimed he and some friends had, very recently (meaning, in new york city somewhere), eaten a walrus?
this is the dress in question:
which, you might note, doesn't really look like a person from the republic of cocktails at all. it looks like a poorly made dress for girls who think they are betty page. something you'd buy from stop staring's website, perhaps. such a disappointment! tim gunn's zing of this outfit -- if it was a uniform for an olympics airline, he'd buy it -- is much better and apt, though really very meow meow, tim.
now this is an outfit that looks like someone whose sport is drinking:
and here is an outfit for someone whose olympic sport is being a virgin:
(this dowdy monstrosity got the designer kicked from the program, mercifully. she claims to be a surrealist designer. i really have no idea what she's talking about when she says this, and neither do you -- look at that image, and then perhaps look at the one directly above it, from another designer on the exact same television program, and wonder where this girl is getting her drugs. her boring drugs.)
of course, all three of these designers, along with cheroine and suede bluehawk, spend approximately 78% of their air time screaming and bitching and crying about how none of these challenges are "what [they] do." it's constant, unending, and without fail they all pull things out of their asses during these competitions that have fuck all to do with the assignment they were given. for example -- all of these outfits in this post are all supposed to be uniforms for the united states olympic team.
so, yes, obviously, you are going, "oh! of course! why didn't i see that?" ha ha, i'm just kidding, you're not thinking this at all. you're thinking, "oh...? ohhhhhhhh. huh." you might even have your hand on your cheek, thinking that you're concerned.
it's just infuriating to watch at this point. never before have there been such a crew of designers on this show so utterly inflexible, unwilling to bend their "style" at all. i can't stand to hear them say this, especially when "what [they] do" is such insane what-the-fuckery. what on earth did these five think they were getting into when they auditioned for project runway if not a series of wacky projects meant to challenge their stances as designers?
it's exhausting to watch, at times. i found myself looking forward to shear genius last night and worried for this season, basically. hopefully in a week or two, they'll have weeded out more idiots and things will get down to business, but honestly -- guys, just do your goddamned assignments.
Wednesday, August 6
this is so nasty, isn't it? oh well. i'm not sure there's been a less appealing photo of a food item ever taken. you're liable to murder yourself trying to eat this, since there's no controlling the squirting molten cheese, really. anyone who says there is a way to control it is a liar.
plenty more pix from the minneapolis trip here.