you know, i went to public school too.

i know a great bar that is friendly to your children! it's called your house! stay there!

time out kids provides the world with a handy list of bars to diligently avoid whenever possible.

UPDATE: related news from the imdb forums!

everybody wang chung tonight

i need a new job.

material hurl

when i saw this image out of the corner of my eye while packing, i said out loud to alex, that it was the worst post headline i've seen in ages. "justify my glove"! god, honestly?

so, it comes to no surprise to me that it did not come from the professional punsters at the post that came up with the other day's "genius" "andy express" on the back page (honestly for everyone -- what does that even mean? is it a pun on pony express? is pettite delivering mail?), but rather from fucking deadspin.

seriously, there is not another site in the gawker media empire -- not jezebel, not io9, not jalopnik, not fleshbot -- that i would rather read less than deadspin.

"justify my glove"! justify my go fuck yourself! justify the fact that having a penis gets you a sports writer job while i was denied one! aggggh.

(ps madonna, a-rod? please tell me this is lies.)

why do i continue to hang out with you?

My Recent Ratings, originally uploaded by WIZARDISHUNGRY.

jon, your taste is smackable.

this would be funny except there are probably people who have sex with pasta, aren't there?

i'm glad it has a yelp page, just in case i want to eat there next time i'm in la!

"the art of war" really does come in handy during important WoW message board beefs

so, maura linked to this lifehacker-commenter-voted list of 25 books that changed their lives. granted, she did specifically use the words "awful" and "geeks" in her post linking to it but i guess i just wasn't really properly prepared for what was going to be on the other side. because, wow. i am starting to wonder if i actually understand the meaning of something changing my life, because i'm not actually sure how the hobbit or dune could've possibly changed the way any person ever looked at the actual world they lived in. excerpts from list:

* ayn rand: i'm not going to even acknowledge this. you are all out of junior high, right? maybe?
* the stranger (though i'm guessing at least half of the voters called it l'etranger)/george orwell's "collected works" (which is exactly 2 things, to lifehacker's editors): you are a very unique holden caufield.
* the hobbit and it's related gaiety:
* dune: "after years of eating bland meat-and-potatoes white folks food, i now use spices more liberally!"
* harry potter: "after years of jerking off to adult actresses who are actually naked, i now jerk off to emma watson photoshops!"

my recommendation for a life-changing book, btw, is the complete adventures of curious george.

I SAID MAAAYYYBEEEE YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAAAVES MEEEE

one time, i came out of life cafe (bushwick edition) and was sitting outside smoking with alex after brunch and a group of three teenage gangstas walked by loudly singing "wonderwall." like, every word of it. verses and all that! i don't even remember all that. apparently they were ahead of the curve!

what does geir hongro think?

(via fek.tumblr.com

real talk with ned raggett

how is babby formed?


should we get drugs? (it's pride week) (no homo)


can i get your sister jaime's e-mail?"


why does kevin shields say "we want hen fap" in "what you want"?

best restaurant trip ever

i just wanted to publicly thank alex blagg for being the first person to actually send drinks to our table across a restaurant. i thought that only happened in movies but hey! dreams do come true. making the poor, confused waitress tell us that the beers were from "a mr. keith gessen" was a priceless touch. a++++ would've sent a drink back from "ms. julia allison" but you were on your way out.

i know alex already thanked you but seriously that was the most awesome thing a person could've ever done. short of, like, helping us unpack when we move (hint hint everyone else).

an insomniac's missive to the writing community

there's very few things i regret in my life, despite having many, many regrettable occurrances. i have no idea how to spell occurrances -- some writer, huh? the main thing i regret is never taking advantage of the offers i received when i was very young. i could've cowritten an (admittedly destined to be terrible urban outfitters kind of thing) book. i could've worked for the voice. i could've written for many publications, actually -- i was being courted. and i never did it. why? self confidence. greed. you make more money being a desk jockey. i got a lot of attention being a desk jockey, back then (real estate firms only hire ladies that can attract clients), but it was attention in a way that had limited pressure. you know? a mistake, avoiding real pressure.

so i guess that is why people like julia allison (who cannot write) and emily gould (who is a gifted writer) annoy me. emily more so than julia, even though julia's insipid columns are in my magazine and my webpage every week. because emily is talented. she has a gift for painting a picture.

but here's the thing. remember the old writer's adage, write what you know? do you guys--the emilys, the julias, the jakobs, the keiths, the me, the everyone honestly--know what you do not know? yourselves.

you do not know yourself. you possibly can never know yourself. so write what you know. book reviews, movie reviews, thinly veiled fiction, funny stories of the subway life---but stop writing about yourself. you gotta be about 70 until you actually know yourself, for real, and even then, my handful of years working in a nursing home tells me you might not even know. write what you know. write what you know right NOW.

you have no reason to trust me. i'm an anonymous person, signing checks with names that are not mine. but seriously, i'm asking everyone to trust me. you know your city. you know your friends. you know fashion, maybe? you know other books. you know your parents. you know booze. write about what you know.

when you're 70, and you have actually learned how to know yourself, THEN write about you. at that point, you'll be old enough that certainly something interesting has happened. until then, please stop trying. it's actually not worth your time. even gifted writers will be torn apart -- and it is because you are ignoring the golden rule of writing what you know, what actually speaks to you.

and now i drain a kitty's infected ear again. glamorous.

the correct word is...NIGHTMARE

i just wanted to point out that "evil guide dog" is now hosted here.

the world's cutest robot is harrison ford anyway

why does slate have two separate references to r2d2 on its front page today? who is writing these headlines and blurbs? an 8-year-old boy?

i'm goin insane/startin the hurricane/releasin pain/lettin you know that you can't gain/i MAINTAIN

it's friday, so why not have a cute cat video?


Muhammad "The Cat" Ali - Watch more free videos

i want to take his face...OFF!

have i drank too many sodas today? the no-faced blogging cat has grown on me to the point that i now think it's cute. it's like, i felt so guilty over my initial repulsion over seeing a kitty with a skeletor face that my mind forced itself to go as far possible in the other direction as possible. now i want to hug it, and pet it. i mean, it seems like a very sweet little kitty; she and her owner do therapy work with disfigured humans which is a bonus nicety. it just is missing a very, very important part of a kitty: the face part.

honestly, i don't even understand what kind of accident could occur that would even do this. how did chase lose just her little face? i'm imagining a horrible run-in with john travolta, before he settled on taking nicolas cage's face instead.

(oh, and you can all thank me later for not actually posting her picture here. as much as i've decided she is fascinatingly cute, i'm pretty sure the rest of you would still be highly disgusted. here is a billy idol video, instead, courtesy of brian)

and if pens misspell words, what happens in soviet russia?

this guy is the bomb, straight up, and you know it.

help me understand: "elf"

i am so spending this evening's packing, as if we're even going to get around to it, referring to alex as an elf whenever i can remember to do so. i love it when other people provide me with spectacularly ridonkulous insults that i never would've even dreamed of saying to another person on my own.

update: WELL I'M DONE FOR THE DAY.

random thought

as shocking as the rolling stone piece about amy winehouse might be to some (who? people unfamiliar with amy winehouse? people who have never been addicts? i don't really know, but i'm certain someone will be shocked), it just seems like it would be easier to hammer home the condition of this poor girl by pointing out that this used to be amy winehouse. you don't need a lengthy article, really.

this is lake directory, calling party barge

meowrson welles says: the astute people at serious eats have put together a handy-dandy guide to figuring out all of the ways to utilize the free seafaring transportation to the new red hook ikea to not go to ikea, as the driver must expect the utilizers to be doing, but instead do other things, like procure delicious tacos! in light of this, i've decided to come out of retirement to design a day for you, the lovely reader.

1) your day will begin at zaitzeff on nassau street in the financial district. while i have not yet had the pleasure of eating a burger here, i have heard many tales of their deliciousness. after your decadently meaty lunch, you will roll your newly portly self down to the ferry terminal south of the wall street subway stop.
2) you will then board the ikea ferry. please be sure to make pirate sounds! long-time readers might recall how much i love ferries.
3) when you disembark, perhaps stop in the ikea. i hear it has a ball pit! perfect for burning off the remainder of that burger.
4) now that you're done being childish in the ikea, head east a few blocks to the red hook ball fields and re-energize with delicious tacos and pupusas! we have to get our reserves back up properly if we want to engage in our final step.
5) walk back west a few blocks to sunny's, the greatest bar on earth, and throw back a few cheap, cold beers on the waterfront while listening to ancient men play bluegrass. you've earned it, after all this activity!

today i didn't even have to use my AK, i got to say it was a good day

sammy, the stray i'm "fostering," had developed a strange lump on her head. it looked like a bug bite initially, but kept getting bigger and bigger, until it was golf ball sized the other night. in a surprising move on god's part, as soon as i said the words, "i will definitely take her to the vet, that isn't a bug bite or a knock on the head," the cat proceeded to scratch the thing open and leak a delightful mixture of pus and blood everywhere.

now, i've had a pile of cats and dogs throughout my life, and while this is a disgusting thing to have occur, it's actually an okay thing--once the wound is reopened, it can drain. the problem was, sammy, normally a very sweet little thing, was very bothered by anything we used to try to help clean the wound. she continued to make the injury worse, so after a bit over 24 hours of this, i took her to the vet.

the veterinary saga began on the j train on the way home. i probably should've taken this odd occurence as a sign of more ridiculousness to come (usually it piles on). a teenage girl wandered in, straight up wearing a prom dress. at 1 pm. she also had mussed up make-up and hair going on, and looked a bit sleep deprived. i texted some friends inquiring if this was the worst walk of shame they'd ever heard of; richard said no. using more delicate terms than he did, the prom dress as a modern day equivalent to bloody sheets hanging out the matrimonial window seemed an exciting prospect.

i put this out of my mind and go to collect the poor cat. the first driver (what, did you think i was going to haul a caged, injured cat all the way to williamsburg on the train? and then walk to grand from the j? in 85 degree heat?) refused to take me because of the cat, because he was afraid of cats. even, i guess, caged ones. the second driver was very helpful: he opened the door for me, chatted a bit, and really went out of his way to get to the animal hospital quickly. At which point, he leaned over and gave me his telephone number in case i wanted to "hang out." if i call and his wife answers, i'm to hang up the phone immediately.

inside the vet's office, there is a tiny black fluffy dog which is pooping styrofoam. i will say no more about this other than i saw it do it. "styrofoam" is not a metaphor here.

sammy is now at the vet's office overnight. apparently the bump on her head was a bite that didn't heal properly, from before we took her in last week, and got worse (possibly because we introduced the concept of cat litter into her life shortly after she received the bite). as it turns out, this bite was most likely given to her by her boyfriend (in the words of the strangely antonio banderasesque vet). while he was impregnanting sammy. did you know that kitties can get abortions? i didn't, but now i do! thankfully, the vet decided to not charge me for some services, and give me breaks for others. suave method of flirtation or genuine sympathy for the dumb blonde who couldn't even tell her stupid stray foster cat was pregnant? you be the judge.

leaving the cat there overnight allowed me another chance to ride on the subway. sitting across from me was a person who i initially thought was male, wearing a t-shirt that said "i hate crooked cops." this sentiment was illustrated with a picture of a smurf.

all of this before 4pm! excitement never ends. i'll let ice cube express my opinion of today; he does so more eloquently and succinctly than i (obviously) can.

an e-mailed hello from my mom to all of you

(i basically imagine this is tuomas?)

"Parmesan [...] might be just a hair too serious for the occasion."

in the interest of being a better, more helpful person, i'd like to translate the 12 steps to pasta salad in this 600ish-word slate article that i'm sure the author actually was paid to write, because i know many of my readers are not culinary masters and really could use the art of making pasta salad broken down into plain, working-man's english.

1. people who are making their own pasta from scratch are not reading this article. so just use regular noodles that you find wherever! don't cook them too much--if you are wandering off to do blow or smoke cigarettes you're just going to screw this up. why are you even trying to do this?
2. much like a regular salad, you want to put some oil in your dressing. for those of you who have failed common sense 101, butter gets harder when it's cold so don't melt that and put it in your pasta salad.
3. store-bought filled pasta is gross. don't buy it. i don't care how hungover you are.
4. the types of pasta you do want to use are noodles, pasta, noodles, pasta, and pasta. ha ha ha! let's be serious here. anything but a long noodle. unless you're making an asian pasta salad! oh god, just give up now. you have no idea what is going on, do you?
5. mayo is gross, you big fatty. don't glob it on top of a bunch of noodles. you might as well top it off with some frosted flakes and some weed if you're just going to do that! (note: all bets are off if you are adding lobster to your salad; lobster is very classy so it offsets how white trash and disgusting you are, lobbing mayo all over linguine like a common retard.)
6. when i said mayo was off-limits, you totally thought to put ranch dressing on instead, weren't you? plebeian. what kind of pasta salad are you even making?
7. please, please, stop trying to use vegetables to be "festive" without giving any thought to how you are using them. peppers are not confetti!
8. hey, you know what you should actually consider doing? seasoning your sauces. i mean, you don't have to. it's not like you'd even be able to tell the difference, you mayonnaise-guzzling freak.
9. this one's a little out there: have you considered...cheese?
10. here's another weird one: ever consider putting some kind of flavorful meat or assertive vegetable in your salad?
11. oh, hey, don't, like, let it just sit around. it might get weird, or bugs might sit on it. you should eat it at some point. except that you've probably made this complicated, sophisticated dish all wrong, so maybe you should just throw it out at this point.
12. profit!

boredom and television

i saw a commercial last night with a woman who had decorated her entire house in polka dots, only wore polka dots, had furniture that featured cut-out circles to mime polka dots, had a spotted dog, so on and so forth who then went completely insane ocd about a small spill in her oven, stating that she doesn't want spots everywhere.

so i got rid of them on my webpage, because i hated that woman very much.

YSI? the follow-up

thanks to ross, i can now share "hawaiian sophie" with you.



please just wait for it. you'll figure out why you are being made to watch this pretty quickly into the video.

welfare prices

i'm disappointed this does not include an area code. i am very interested in trying to contact this person. very interested.

YSI?

so i'm searching for the video to the song "hawaiian sophie" by a rapper named jaz. this came on vh1 soul earlier and i really, really need to show this to all of you. help? it's not on youtube.

"WHY IS HE WEARING THAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE IS THE 'IRON MAN'? WHY IS THAT HAPPENING? OHH, THOSE ARE THE BAD GUYS. BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS A GOOD GUY?"

time out has a feature in which it publishes random write-in rants from new yorkers. often times, these are really obnoxious! this is because most people in new york city are awful, entitled whores with nothing better to do than complain about how nothing ever works exactly the way they want it to for themselves, personally, yours truly included (see: the rest of this internet blog post). however, something about this one really just took the cake for me today.

to sum up, this elderly, upper east side lady doesn't want to pay the full price ($12) that everyone else pays for her movie ticket. she also claims that she overheard a "rough-looking man" effectively taunting the seniors and children being charged full price, conspiring over the phone about how he is going to screw the old ladies and the children, and possibly hit them with hot pokers, or something.

first of all, there is no way in hell this crazy, bitter old bitch actually heard anyone on earth say this. not even in the most ridiculous "please buy sattelite tv because cable companies say evil things in the boardroom!" advertisements on tv do you see a business proprietor say anything like that. she is an insane, addled liar and should be shunned from society.

secondly, why on earth should the elderly and the under-12s get breaks on every goddamned thing? they take up just as much space in a movie theater, and quite frankly, they are far, far more likely to ruin the enjoyment of a perfectly good movie for everyone else. raise your hands, people who have sincerely wanted to punch a poor little old lady for incessantly questioning the movie you are watching, loudly, at her deaf husband? raise your hands, people who die a little inside every time something awesome is only showing at the film forum, the place where million-year-old new yorkers go to die, slowly, while glaring at "children" (n.b.: this means anyone under the age of 80) for not understanding "art"? i've also, as we all have, been treated to screaming, terrified, crying children who really, really, really should've been left at home during mommy and daddy's date to go see american psycho. children and old people should be charged more*, for the sheer inconvenience they cause everyone else in the theater.

do we not have editors anymore at tony? was this just published in the magazine for laughs, much like the inexplicable continued publication of julia allison's rants about how much everyone else, especially men, is mean to her, and also btw she does not drink ever even though she brings this up weeklydating column? no-one had a better complaint this week in a city of awful, incessant complainers? i know a lot of people have quit and been fired recently but, standards, we should have them. maybe.

* exceptions to this rule: children's movies and, um, i dunno, what is marketed to old people? cocoon? hell if i know, but whatever that is, old people should be allowed to see it for free to keep them out of movies that i wish to see.

WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE WOOKIEES

when i have my baby, 9 months from friday, it will only ever be allowed to wear this outfit above. also, its name is going to be pasta!

and it will be taken away very quickly by child protective services, i assume.

last i heard, scott norwood is a real estate agent in florida now.

here's a clip of my secret boyfriend performing at tim russert's funeral. dear bills: win more than a couple games next season? for the big guy, c'mon. ok thx in advance.

poppa been smooth since the days of underoos

so we're going to have a competition. find a t-shirt that makes less sense than this, and is also at least as awesome as this, and i will purchase you a dinner at dumont (anything you want, even the pricey skate though you know you're just gonna pick the burger).

i've decided that i love him

Make your own Glitter Graphics

help me save this adorable kitty!

sammy 2, originally uploaded by allyzay.

some of you have heard this already, but i have been adopted by a stray kitten. i've taken to calling her sammy. she's about 6 months old, very friendly, sweet, cuddly, and extremely cute (see above). in fact, i love her.

now, unfortunately, i live with a person who is mildly allergic to cats. alex likes cats and puts up very nicely with not being able to breathe around mr. kitty and stephen meowlkmus, but it's pretty clear that adopting a third kitty would be a major offense. not only that, but having three cats is kind of bordering on crazy-substitute-for-children-cat-lady behavior. sammy is extremely friendly and seems to desperately want to be an owned kitty (she doesn't seem to be the most streetwise of street cats, what with the living on my stoop, waiting for me to give her food angle she's taken), i just cannot own her.

i've been trying to give sammy to keith gessen (he seems like he could use a buddy these days), but he hasn't responded yet. so, this is where you, the viewing public come in. you can either A) find me mr. gessen so he can TAKE BACK THE STRAYS or B) help me find an owner who isn't mr. gessen! like yourself, or your loved ones!

please? just look at it! you want it.

update!: sammy is now on gawker! i have a bad feeling that no one is looking beyond keith gessen's pout and seeing the real victim here, namely this homeless kitty!

"the original wingman"

wookie knot, originally uploaded by allyzay.

i just felt like getting this out to people besides those who are my flickr friends. seriously, what is up with this knot? it looks exactly like chewbacca the wookiee (note: yes, i did spell that word "correctly" and yes, i am a giant nerd but it's not like i watch battlestar galactica or babylon 5 something, ok? star wars is a very popular film franchise and i am a literate human being who likes to learn how to write things properly, so get the hell off my ass).

picture taken at the dearly departed temperance hall in washington, d.c. temp hall was a delightful, awesome bar with two jukeboxes, one internet, one old school, both very well curated; an amazing bartender who made awesome old fashioned mixed drinks; an enormous selection of whiskeys (mainly rye, i feel like); and pretty good food. not to mention a nice atmosphere, what with the outdoor patio and the downstairs and the tin-roofed, tiffany-lamped upstairs.

so, of course, being that this establishment was in washington, d.c., it has been shuttered and replaced with a wonderland clone. well done, "scene."

i do believe this knot is still there.

happy birthday, prince!

SCENE: two people lying on a sofa, suffering from heatstroke, watching vh1 soul. music video for "controversy" comes on.

ally: why do they make him dress like that?
alex: because he's doctor fink.
ally: no, but why?
alex: out of everyone on stage, you're questioning his outfit?
ally: there comes a point during the prince weekend that you just stop questioning whatever the new power generation or the revolution are wearing!
alex: ok, but doctor fink is at least dressed in a recognizable costume!
ally: well...i mean, the revolution is a costume i find pretty fucking recognizable.
alex: "oh how cute! what are you kids dressed as?" "the revolution!"
ally: oh my god, we should totally do that on halloween.
alex: ok, but i'm calling it right now. i'm calling being doctor fink.

(this is the portion of the post where i'd post a prince video for you to enjoy in honor of the man's 50th birthday but apparently he's not a fan of keeping his videos on youtube so here is "summertime" by dj jazzy jeff & the fresh prince instead. HOPE YOU LIKE IT, PRINCE :D :D :D )

just like romeo & juliet

when i was 19, i had this boyfriend who just wasn't really a guy who seemed to get hints. like, he just kind of came with me to my new (studio) apartment and decided that i wanted him to live there. since i was basically constantly drunk and/or high, i let it be. but we hated each other, very, very much. the kind of hatred in which we got into an argument so he picked up my christmas tree and threw it on the ground (decorated!) and then i hauled off and punched him straight in the face. most people would've predicted this kind of animosity, considering he was a person who did not drink, smoke, or really do much of anything (or approve of doing anything) besides listening to the magnetic fields, and i was what one might've called "a girl about town."

well, anyway, after the christmas tree punching episode, he moved out of the apartment that i'm not sure he was actually living in, back to his parents' house, presumably. but he kept showing up! for months and months, behaving like he was my boyfriend, even though we had broken up. often, particularly when around female coworkers of his that he wanted to ask out, he would admit that he was not my boyfriend, but then it would go to hell because i'd go to dinner with my friend dan who was visiting from boston and my "boyfriend" would accuse dan of hitting on me and we'd be back to square one. considering that my house was usually full of people who were not supposed to be living there yet would not leave, i didn't really fuss about it, but we were all very confused. he was still coming around, even after i had very obviously started dating someone else. after a while, we all just reckoned that he really enjoyed being openly and cruelly ridiculed by drunken 19 year olds (he was slightly older). eventually he just stopped coming round, and no one thought of him again, other than occasionally saying, "oh my god, do you remember that guy?" and laughing.

and that is what hillary clinton reminds me of.

i have lived my life incorrectly

because i am not this person.

last bit of nostalgia for the day

2001 was really weird-looking.

april 3, 2001 im conversation with my mom

Garance80: i have to go make a boca burger, I will be back in three minutes exactly.
Lydk: whoa is me,,,,,woe is me,,,,,,wo is me,,,,,
Lydk: do you think it can be spelled wwo like two?
Lydk: maybe wto
Lydk: for god's sake don't make me amuse myself!!!
Lydk: come back and talk to me
Lydk: Damn boca burger
Lydk: it thinks its so special
Lydk: I hate you boca burger
Lydk: you're not even meat
Lydk: this is a very long three minutes
Lydk: i think you are doing something else
Lydk: like smoking!
Lydk: here kitty kitty
Garance80: I AM BACK

(elapsed time: 4 minutes)

items found from the past

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Subject: There is a light and it never goes out

My fucking light is broken. I know what you're saying, the same thing they said at property management:

Me: My light in my kitchen is broke, who would fix it?
Justine: Um, you. Change the light bulb. Duh.
Me: That's not what I meant.

I don't mean it like that! The light is broken in that there is too much light, i.e. it refuses to shut off. I can pull on the chain all day and night, and the thing won't turn off. The ceilings are very high, so even with a chair, it's a struggle to reach the light in order to twist the bulb out, so I decided to leave it be.

Three sleepless hours later, I was ready to grab a slingshot and smash the damn thing. So I took life into my hands, teetered precariously on a chair plus pillows with no one to steady me...and, um, fell flat on my face when the cat jumped on the chair and slipped me up. Nasty bruises aside, I did get the light off and now someone will come fix it tomorrow. My only question about it is how on earth does such a thing happen? One day, the light works like any light, shutting on and off like the way you always imagine it will. Next day, it's rebelling against you, much like my cable box which keeps shutting off for no reason. The mechanics are out to get me and there's really little I can do about it, except quell the rebellion by asking the handyman to come in and rip the light to pieces and rebuild it into a good light.

So, yeah, anyhow, I smashed my head really hard last night on the fridge when I fell. Can you tell? I started laughing hysterically. With all the banging and noise, I'm sure my asshole downstairs neighbor complained about my wild sex life again today. If he only knew the truth!

what is this type of fish called?

i want to have one (1) of it but i don't know how to procure. is it a smilefish? the url says "smile" in it which is why i made up this obviously fake name. tell me all the tales of this animal, please.

signs of mental illness #173 and 174

1) i have been hanging out at this insane face transformer website making all of you into beautiful ladies.
2) i was genuinely surprised when facial features like beards hindered the beautiful lady process.

everyone do it! send me your results! i'm bored!

when i put my tony staff photo into the manga-izer, it basically gave me this:


what the hell is that about? also the man-me looked like my dad so i think this internets website is a 100% accurate experiment in reality and should be treated and respected as such. it, like, reads dna or something when it makes you west asian.

new york is the new costa rica

i just saw toby from the office this morning! he was walking a cocker spaniel and talking on a bluetooth headset. yes, i am certain it was him. no, i have no idea why the hell he was on 35th and 9th. maybe staying in a hotel? maybe he's gone to work for marithé et françois girbaud. anyway, it's pretty much irrelevant what he was doing. bluetooth headset and a cocker spaniel seem so douchey! no wonder michael hated him!

kinda irritated it wasn't jim, honestly, because that probably would've brightened my mood more.

consider this a birthday gift to me

GO VOTE FOR STATEN ISLAND DO IT DO IT DO IT

(i haven't been able to think clearly enough recently to write or like even attempt to be funny or entertaining, sorry guys)

you may not be this gay, but you sure as hell are trying

this is the actual illustration accompanying a portland weekly's endorsement of obama.

i'm the only person who understands anything anymore

"There was not a single moment that I thought [Indy] . . . was in any sort of peril or even significant inconvenience."

omfg of course there wasn't because INDIANA JONES IS IMMORTAL. also, maybe he's not because somehow the cup of christ didn't like "take" or something, but whatever! did you actually think he was in any sort of peril in any of the other movies? if so: you are a retard!

it's too early in the morning for me to read the post. i don't even care about this movie, i mean it's going to suck!

omg!

my newest favorite website!

i'm a little sleep deprived. i was doing this last night so i'm pretty out of it today!

saturday night am i rite?

see, this is what the film medium was created for. not things like speed racer or what happens in vegas or scarlet johansson staring creepily.

final update from martha's vineyard

because of 9/11 this sign makes no sense, originally uploaded by allyzay.

honestly? two votes? the terrorists truly have won.

for those of you who don't remember our previous notes on this monumental vote, tisbury wasn't voting to like, let a bunch of saloons and whorehouses and speakeasies and liquor stores into town. they were voting to allow all, like 3 of their restaurants be allowed to serve beer and wine in them. and, uh, it failed. because apparently three-enough people really, really want to preserve t-shirt shops. which is somehow affected by whether or not i drink a glass of wine with my french food.

oh well, bad luck, everyone! you could always just get on the chappy ferry and drink!

i only like books about animals, too

this is really, really long but it is really, really worth it. i mean...the horse on the rocket. wow. i'm too scared to actually play the game, it might just be too big and real for my computer.

a handy guide to work excuses

i used to work with a girl who took off work literally at least twice a week. obviously, she eventually got fired for this behavior (like, two or three years into this behavior which makes it kind of amazing), but she really had such great excuses that i didn't think they should ever fire her. my favorite was when she went through a period where one day, she'd be out because she was ovulating and therefore needed to have sex with her husband (she actually told everyone this); the next day, she'd need to be out because she was filing for divorce from her "gay husband." related, truthful events? no one will ever know. anyway, in that spirit, i present to you a handy guide to excuses to getting out of work by ally and alex.

Alex: hm
Ross: ok (edit: in case you are retarded, this is a copy-paste of another conversation, not ross suddenly showing up in our gchat)
new plan
claim I have to let the meter reader in and leave at 2
me: doctor's appt
flood
roommate locked out, need to get key to him
dog died
Alex: lolol apartment's on fire
me: sister in hospital
gas leak
ovulation
Alex: shark attack
me: monkeys broke out of their barrel
fiancee in car accident
shirt is itchy
Alex: rly hungover
me: girlfriend having an abortion, should really go be there
need to get pretty for party tonight
forgot underpants
Alex: callback for rent audition
me: saw a mouse under desk
kickball
Alex: video just went viral
won emmy
me: need to place superdelegate vote
just became julia allison's next geeky bf
felt fat
Alex: maid robot became sentient, asking about creator
me: wanted to watch judge judy instead
found out brooke was eliminated from american idol, became heartbroke
Alex: heard neighbor has some fireworks
me: elvis costello called
need to renew film forum membership
Alex: has intersting offer to check out a man's submarine
me: joining army in hopes of becoming a professional football player
Alex: supposed to be jockey in kentucky derby, totally forgot
me: has to go bail lindsay out of jail again
in process of aging some bourbon, needs to go turn casks
Alex: having puppies
me: heard disneyworld was having a special princess celebration this weekend
Alex: can't say no to annie leibovitz
me: finally actually comin to join elizabeth
got the callback to be on unbeatable banzuki
Alex: has 88 minutes to live
me: forgot about dre
has to go have tina fey's baby
for some reason "the animals" are on tour, got drafted into being in the band
i can do this all day really
Alex: was told by future-cyborg "come with me if you want to live"
lol
^^post these as handy resource for next time ross has a hangover
me: really it's good advice for everyone.

national mvp eli manning: still unstoppable

i am imagining this is an elaborate coke joke. well, not elaborate really.

UPDATE: actually, what the fuck is happening in this picture? is tom coughlin truly so old that i didn't even realize that was him? he looks like joe biden's father.

my sister can't say she is a lesbian

in the best lawsuit ever, or possibly a news story just made up by my mom*, the people of lesbos are suing the gay and lesbian alliance of greece to make them remove "lesbian" from their name. because greece has a very strong heterosexual tradition, and obviously none of them have ever been associated with the homosexuals ever.

* seriously, her favorite jokes seem to all involve lesbos as a punchline.

where's hal sparks being pithy and hyper when you need him?

oh good, hypercolor is back! with a new name! i've been hoping to relive 1992 for a while now.

i was totally actually for real going to buy one but the t-shirt costs $70! i'll just go on a roadtrip to the midwest and find some original hypercolor at a salvation army, thank you very much.

"the NFL is just as much pressure"

campbell and his classmates

a thought i had reading the ny times' piece on an army football player, caleb campbell (is he a mormon? this is the mormonyist name ever! that isn't the thought), who is being released from active duty to join the nfl: wouldn't it be better press and pr for your recruitment campaigns to, like, stop sending the poor kids you're trying to reach by specifically targeting high school athletes praying for scholarships over to iraq to die? this seems to be common sense to me, and a little less of a poor kid/rich kid controversial matter! i guess that's why i'm not the secretary of the navy.

i do absolutely adore how many circles this kid talks to make it not sound like he's a complete douchebag who lucked out though, particularly his claim that the NFL is "just as much pressure" as iraq and afghanistan. i'd buy this if he was going to play for a good team, like even the bears, but he's been drafted by the lions. the only way he's not getting cut is if he somehow loses his limbs. all of them. and even then, i think it's only a 50/50 chance he'll get cut.

he shouldn't bother to be making it sound like he's doing his part and is just the same as every one of his classmates. first of all, ha ha, lol! they're not sending your white officer friends from the fancy school to the middle east to die! that's what defense language institute is for! there are a lot of options to avoid killing these kids, c'mon. don't feel too bad, caleb! also, would any one of us reading this article not make the same choice he's making? "oh, please, no, thank you mr. goodell, thank you but i'd rather toil in the desert getting shot at by the angries instead of become a famous professional athlete!" honestly, just man up and be frank about your decision to not get killed. that'd be the best help you could give the kids you're pretending you're going to recruit.


campbell today

hooking's a helluva drug

wtf happened to this girl? i used to know a lady that kinda looked like that! she was from new jersey too. that lady was 36, though. her left boob exploded! then i did not get my breast implants because my friends cried and said my left boob would also explode. the end.

y tu mimi tambien

wait. who let mariah into another movie? why did none of you tell me? i should've signed up to review this one!

wanted: people who actually know how to play music

i'm creating a band. we will be called mary toft and the rabbit babies. what i need:

guitarists (at least 4)
drummer
bassist (no chicks)
keyboard player? i can probably do this myself
other things: let me know and i will consider you

it's funny because they're different things with the same name!

williamsburg looks totally awesome in their tourism ads.

in ghetto train, bums pay you!

a homeless man, judging by appearance, approached me around chambers street. he was holding out a dollar bill and trying to get my attention through a series of strange faces, gestures, and, presumably, words that i didn't hear since i was listening to "don't say motherfucker, motherfucker" at this point. i took off my headphones and it seems this gentleman wished to pay me a dollar to let him touch my hair.

i didn't take the dollar, but let him touch my hair anyway. i haven't washed my hair in days so it's not like he could make it worse, in terms of grossness, really. he left at the next stop, and i resumed my turbonegro presummer ramp up.

back up, electric boogaloo

just a note to subway breakdancers: rush hour is an extremely inappropriate time to be doing this.* the a train is packed to the gills. people are standing all over each other. there is nowhere for anyone to go, so you guys forcibly moving people because you gotta start the "show" really isn't going to go over well. what do you hope to gain from this endeavor? the situation makes it so people like me, who had at least a 50/50 chance of giving you a dollar, are now 100% likely to not give you any money at all. why? because you're an asshole.

* in fairness, i've seen this twice on rush hour j trains.

riding on the l train, i aint got no problems no more no more no

should i get up earlier on monday and conduct this same experiment, on the l train? it is also at broadway junction!

(if you don't know what the title refers to, you really should click here and educate yourself, because seriously, brooklyn.)

(if you don't understand the picture, it was a top gis result for "l train" earlier)

(if you don't understand this post, my bad)

felicity

somewhere along the line, an old, manic street preacher entered the train. maybe utica avenue? it's difficult to tell, i had my headphones on, as is my normal early morning "thing." he's shouting the normal schtick at the top of his lungs: snakes coming out of skulls, fire and brimstone, lizard jesuses with lasers shooting out of their eyes. things you're familiar with if you've ever gone to mass! it's pretty easily ignorable, standard fare, is my point.

until suddenly he becomes even louder than before. "it's sunny and 75/it feels so good to be alive/BETTY BOOP WAS A STRIPPER! A STRIPPER!" is what i'm hearing now (special note to noted fan of my writing, d.c. berman: please change the lyrics of your song accordingly). with all apologies to the silver jews, you're all very good at your jobs, but none of you are a very animated shrieking man standing in front of me having a furious discussion with himself as to the whoredom of betty boop and its effect on the children. the music was turned off for a good ten minutes while he accused ms. boop of going to military bases and stripping for soldiers, not even for money but because she was a terrible person.

unfortunately, he returned to the whole maggots crawling out of orifices thing and didn't mention cartoons again. so i turned back on my music and went about my business.

the next i heard him was either w4 or 14th, where he got off*. he announced, in the same pitch that he was shrieking about betty, "forget you all! i have to go to class," and really it was in that moment that i first questioned my decision to not apply to nyu.

* i'm very slightly hungover this morning so i just didn't have it in me to care if it was w4 or 14th.

older black gentleman on the a, 9:15 this morning - w4m - 27 (Brooklyn)

i found it very flattering that you spent the entire time between broadway junction and hoyt-schermerhorn openly masturbating while staring aggressively at me. it might've just been because i was the only white girl on the train that i got this attention but i think we had something special! the piratey looking guy who seemed to get whiplash when he saw me and was openly leaning over to try to look up my skirt had nothing on your game, at any rate! i'm glad you've already revealed your inner self to me so soon in our relationship. though usually when guys reveal their inner self to me so early, it's a little more impressive.

i regret not saying anything to you now! if you see this, we should get coffee. i'll also accept the piratey looking dude (they're blue and have a cartoon lion on the ass, in case you were doing a sociological study on ladies' underpants).

don't it feel like you're a rider on a downbound train

every post i make today will be detailing my experience on the a train today between broadway junction and 34th street-penn station, because wow! in ghetto train, bums pay you! more on that at the end of the day.

if you're wondering why i took the a today, it is because the j can go fuck itself, as can all of the fans of the j, most of which all live at either myrtle or marcy and don't seem to see the big semantic difference between living on the j/m/z and living on the j or the m. i know they're a bunch of new york experts*, but it's simple mathematics.

* when i use this phrase, i invariably mean under 25s who lived at least the first 18 years of their life west of the mississippi, and who spent their first year (or more) in new york city living in the washington square vicinity or in morningside heights, aka the realest places in new york.

stories that i just never get, part a million

another day, another story about jerking off and preventing cancer. these are printed all of the time. what i never understand about them is, wouldn't it be more accurate to say orgasming? i've seen no evidence from any of the studies that they link that the, you know, arm motion (i'm making the "jerk off" hand signal right now) is really the key part here. so just having sex 5 times per week would also accomplish your anti-cancer goals. or blow jobs five times a week! or a combination of all of these things.

of course, this iteration of this article, being as it is reported by ultra fascist psychonews channel fox, claims that the reason they are specifically mentioning masturbation is that having sex causes cancer because of the stds. what the hell? is there another cancer besides cervix cancer that is caused by stds? which, you know, doesn't affect men, who are the subject of this study. servicey!

also, who the fuck are these men who are not getting off in some fashion five times per week? i don't think i've ever met any of them.

zombie disco?

meowrson welles says:it's thriller night at tribeca! and no, i do not mean the genre of movies. john landis will be there! let's all be good kitties and go get face painted and dance.

UPDATE: some of you might need lessons on how to dance, i realize. new york isn't what it used to be and it is difficult to get in practice with these ridiculous cabaret laws. so here is an instructional video:

update from mom

(coming on the heels of an email updating me of various mutated people in india she saw on tv, and calling stephen hawking a "bitchy stephen")

LYDIA to me
2:59 PM (3 minutes ago)
[ed. note: this is a completely blank e-mail]

Ally to LYDIA
2:59 PM (3 minutes ago)
you send me blank e-mail!!!!!

LYDIA to me
3:01 PM (1 minute ago)
I was jittery with my send finger...too much coke and hummus

BREAKING IMPORTANT NEWS OF THE INTERNET

this is a great blog! a focused version of what i was trying to do months ago before i went whole hog lame blogger! i can only say A+++ sir, you are a wizard and a scholar.

things you notice walking around midtown

construction workers are men who are confident in their pick up artistry!

kids incorporated

Not a game, originally uploaded by noesunjoc.

ok, in theory i'm ok with take your child to work day, i suppose. well, except that they don't actually spend the day sitting with you and learning what you do and getting a positive outlook towards a realistic view of the workplace. workplaces hire clowns and face painters and bands and throw pizza parties and give everyone soda pop on this very special day. which, surprisingly, is not actually how tony is the rest of the week.

what irks me is that people who bring their children in with them also do utterly no work. the rest of us have to sit here and do our jobs and can hear them, loudly playing with their children and having a pizza party (to which we're not invited, since we were smart enough to not get fucking knocked up). why bother going to work? what the hell is so wrong with any workplace in america just turning around and having a stay home and play with your kids or your boyfriend or whoever you damn well please day?

it's not a fucking day care. it's an office. at the very least, allow those of us who don't have children to opt out of this day. parents already get all manner of ridiculous perks the rest of us don't receive. your kid is sick? oh, hurry home. i'm sick? well, at science, despite having a full week of sick time left, my asshole boss (who was new to the job, to boot), i was informed that i was not to take off any additional time because i had taken "too much" (again i stress that i had a week of time left).

he took off regularly at 3pm to take his kids to various fun places, btw.

maybe i'm going to just go downstairs and steal some pizza, except i've put myself on a diet so maybe i'll just go outside for hours.

you know, some ppl's moms bake cookies and watch the view

LYDIA to me
11:31 AM (38 minutes ago)
HA! http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080423/od_nm/witchcraft_dc;_ylt=Aqn5ttWGFph7KYSyp40.lkis0NUE

Ally to LYDIA
11:32 AM (38 minutes ago)
hahaha why do you send me these stories every time they pop up :D

LYDIA to me
11:33 AM (38 minutes ago)
To continually enforce how ridiculous and primitive men can be.

Ally to LYDIA
11:35 AM (37 minutes ago)
I don't know if I need to know that one of them thinks his penis was stolen (still don't get this, btw, wouldn't you KNOW it was still there) to know that men are ridiculous! You might be familiar with my track record!

LYDIA to me
11:42 AM (31 minutes ago)
I spit in Bono's and Oprah's faces. [ed. note: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS EITHER OK DON'T ASK] Men who think this should just become extinct. "She stole my penis" give me a break! Can you imagine men saying that in this country? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ally to LYDIA
12:15 PM
Honestly? Yes, yes I can imagine men saying that in this country, I am genuinely surprised I haven't been accused of doing such by certain ppl actually!

LYDIA to me
12:16 PM
I think they'd call you something that rhymes with witch though :D

gonna bake some motherfucking magic tonight

i've had this song in my head all morning! what is it about 80 degree weather that turns a young girl's mind to thoughts of homosexual norwegian death metal?



remember the time period when otis and i talked incessantly about turbonegro and a whole lot of people thought it was a made-up band and we were playing a prank on everyone? like either of us is even smart enough to write "i got erection"!

you fill me with inertia

if you've never seen this movie, you can thank me later for directing you to it on the internets. if you're torn on committing to an hour-and-a-half long movie online,

A) really? it's not costing you anything. damn, i've heard of commitment-phobes but that is next level.
B)

UPDATE FROM MARTHA'S VINEYARD!

flying ho, originally uploaded by allyzay.

A TIE?? A TIE?? are you guys for real? exactly 690 for wine/beer in restaurants, and 690 against? who are these 690 people in the latter group?

OH THAT'S RIGHT THEY'RE OLD PPL

hey there sonny, please preserve our t-shirt shops and tourist crap and flying hos which are never even open anyway!

damn, bros, sorry for your loss. maybe the recount will allow you to truly become the honky tonk town of your destiny. i have you in my prayers.

(previously on this blog...)

awwww

anyone want to buy eli and abby some gifts? the mixer is pretty sweet, if we pooled our money together we could make this happen. or we could get that indoor grill! i mean, it'd be pretty awesome to have that, brighten up a stupid hoboken apartment definitely for sure.



cuet!

why does everyone try to anger me

the thing i understand least about this padded underpants website i got forwarded just now by my hilarious friends is why they come in any size but small (or "sweet" in their insane parlance). i mean, i gotta say, the last thing i'm thinking about when i'm sadly perusing the american apparel racks for any sign of medium or large underpants instead of their ubiquitous small ones is, "boy, i wish my ass was bigger!"

also their website looks like what i imagine is inside of julia allison's mind.

a thought

i am certain that there is nothing nerdier you can do, without stooping to involving sci-fi, than go see flight of the conchords live at town hall.

just in time for the awesome part of the year

broheems, let us do this thing! i hope the bbq and firepit's forthcomingness doesn't mean "in 2010" or something.

oh, and no bitching about having to take the 2/3 there; if i have it my way, it will be convenient to me so deal with it.

dear dennis green,

never fucking change.



UPDATE: in related news, give it up, you douchetards. you went 18-1. you think you gonna hit perfection next year? you think the DAMNING, AWFUL, TRAUMATIC, TERRIBLE, MOST EMBARRASSING WAY TO LOSE EVER ie in the final game of the season, ie the championship game, to the goddamned ny giants of all people...well, you think the players are gonna actually overcome that and not turn into terrible basket cases, rocking back and forth in their locker room, softly whispering to themselves, "18-1...18-1"? really? cos, like, i don't. and i'm an expert on crippling failure and depression!

i didn't come here to fight, just as long as that ain't white

seriously? this is the lead op-ed in my daily "today's headlines" e-mail! nothing else worth talking about in the world than the fact that this dude doesn't like the way wine glasses are overfilled? don't get me wrong. i agree with this bro. if you order a bottle of wine, they should not be filling the damn thing to the brim (if you're ordering by the glass, it's a different story, but that's because i'm an alcholic pretending to be a connoisseur). you're paying way, way, way more than the wine would cost anywhere else and you have a right to enjoy it in the proper fashion. the american wine industry and its rush to put any old crap out on the market has done intense harm to the wine industry! most california wines are terrible! i'll only drink the most expensive of the vineyards out there, if given a choice, and i have a friend who lives in san francisco yet will not touch a napa valley offering. this opinion piece, despite being the most obnoxiously written thing i've read all day (and i read that thing about the pope and the cat ladies), is 100% on the money.

but honestly.

"i still don't know what [the phrase 'tenth avenue freeze-out'] means! but it's important!"

it's apparently e street band night on vh1 classics! i'll be up 'til 6. GOOD THING I STAYED HOME SO I COULD GET SOME REST!

UPDATE: what i have learned: stevie apparently showed up three times during the 47 years it took to record born to run, to tell them they're doin it wrong. also: why did they ditch the hat thing?

UPDATE 2: what i have further learned: it ended. they segued from "born to run" to metal hour, which started with RUN TO THE HILLS BY IRON MAIDEN. the theory is, i'm angry whenever anyone turns off sprinsgsteen. but...this case? ok, most awesome thing you could've done beside play more springsteen. then i discovered "jackass" is on, so it is like a cacophony of men i inexplicably would leave anyone, ever, including george clooney, for. the only way things could get more vagina-wetting (oh, is that too jezebel?) is if al pacino showed up. i'm sure amc will be showing one of the godfathers within the hour though, so hope is here.

a debate of some import, held via youtube: it's the new new thing

point:


counterpoint:

otm thought of the day from the internets

"LCD Soundsystem should totally go for a 'Sledgehammer'/'Big Time' on album number three"

my new go-to lunch place

this place is like what if the internet (the awesome parts, not the huffpo parts) was a restaurant.

anal cunt are ultimate bros

new album tracklisting supposedly, i have bolded the important song

01. Buy This CD So I Can Pay My Medical Bills
02. You're Not Crust, You're Just A Dirty Spic
03. Miscarriages Are God's Way of Telling You That You're A Failure
04. Theme From Charles In Charge
05. You Go To A Community College
06. If You Didn't Want To Be Raped, You Shouldn't Have Been Born A Woman
07. I Laughed Because Your Son Is In A Wheelchair
08. I Went Back In Time And Voted For George W. Bush
09. You Have A Goatee
10. Cutting In Front of God Forbid In The Welfare Line
11. The Pedophile Wasn't The Biggest Fag In Decrepit Birth
12. Stealing Shawn Whitaker's Coke
13. You're A School Crossing Guard
14. You Read Conspiracy Theories On The Internet Because You Have No Life
15. Even We Have Better Customer Service Than Neurotic Records
16. You Look Like You Get Financial Aid
17. Earth Crisis Are Only Straight Edge Because You Can't Suck Cock And Do Coke At The Same Time
18. I Told You I Put You On The Guest List, But I Lied
19. You Look Pro-Life
20. This CD Installed Spyware On Your Computer
21. I Posted A Video of Me Running Over Your Dog On YouTube
22. You Collect Food Stamps
23. I Edited Your Band's Wikipedia Page To Say That You're All Gay
24. 18-1
25. I Hit Your Wife For You Because You Were Too Much of A Pussy To Put Her In Her Place
26. The Kitchen: Get In It
27. You Look Like You Take Public Transportation
28. I Had Your Grandmother Deported Because You Parked In My Driveway
29. Your Husband Is A Garbage Man
30. I Didn't Accept Your Friend Request On MySpace Because You're A Jew
31. God Hates Fags
32. Mandatory Abortions For Scene Kids
33. Laughing While I Cross Your Picket Line
34. You Have A Xanga
35. You Drive A Bus
36. Anyone Who Votes For Hilary Clinton Is A Faggot
37. I Hacked Your Facebook And Sent Your Nudes To Everyone In Your Class
38. Decapitated Should've Flipped Their Van Before They Recorded Organic Hallucinosis
39. I Put Up The Bail Money For The Guy Who Raped You So That He Could Rape You Again
40. I Hit You Because I Love You
41. You Joined The National Guard, But You Were Sent To Iraq
42. Tipping Off The Authorities About OiNK
43. Impetigo Reunited? Yeah, No One Cared
44. Physical Therapy To Learn How To Walk Again Is Gay
45. Job For A Talentless Faggot
46. No One Listens To Anal Blast
47. I Jerked Off To Your Baby Pictures
48. Punching The Ugly Cunt From Arch Enemy In The Face Backstage
49. You Watch The View To Reinforce Your Own Stupid Opinions
50. You're Only A Promoter So Your Shitty Band Can Get On Shows
51. Willowtip Is Afraid To Sign Us
52. Picnic of Love Was Sarcastic, I Really Think You're A Worthless Cunt
53. Roseanne Barr
54. I'm Voting For John McCain Because He Doesn't Like Gooks
55. Look Back And Laugh At Sexist Jokes
56. I Was Going To Do An Interview For Lambgoat, But They Tried To Grab My Dick
57. You Look Like You Get Paid Minimum Wage
58. If I Cared About An At The Gates Reunion, I'd Be A Faggot
59. Even Though I Agree With The Majority of Your Political Stances, You're Still A Fucking Nigger
60. I Bought Schindler's List On Blu-Ray So I Could Watch The Jews Be Tortured In High Definition
61. I Came Inside Your Wife 10 Minutes Before You Went Down On Her
62. I Know Your Band Sucks Because You Signed To Ferret
63. You Wear A Youth Medium, Even Though You're A Large
64. Your Girlfriend Listens To Devourment Because She's Fat And Realizes She's Ugly
65. You're Tighter Than Your Daughter
66. Woman Is The Nigger of the World (bonus cover)

servicey!

so i guess instead of making fun of the times article about it, i should just mention record store day which is tomorrow. it should've been eight years ago if they actually wanted to save this model of business but whatever! it's not like having a special day for it will actually make people support local businesses, just ask every local business ever. i'm also not 100% sure that the type of people they are marketing this to--people who would find a live performance by peanut butter wolf to be a bonus to their shopping experience--are the type of people they need to be marketing this to. i don't think the failure of indie record stores has much to do with people who already go to them, constantly and obsessively. but! stop by your local record store, if you even still have one (n.b. i am aware that the only people reading this are ross and jon--you two go to ian's store--and michael--go to amoeba, i guess? i hate that place--but let's pretend i have many, many readers now).

oh, and the website for record store day is terrible and slow and has multiple dead links in its press section. wtf? way to go, guys. but it does provide the world with some amazing quotes from artists about record store day! i'll excerpt some of the best for you here:

"I buy CDs all the time. I'll go into a record store and just buy $500 worth of CDs. I will! I am singlehandedly supporting what's left of the record business." - Bruce Springsteen, exhibiting a rather bizarre and uncharacteristic delusion of grandeur

"Yes, yes, I know. It's easier to download music, and probably cheaper. But what's playing on your favourite download store when you walk into it?" - Nick Hornby, apparently not realizing that many of us would like to just listen to our own music while we browse the internet, and not be forced to listen to what some jackass at kim's thinks is totally awesome this week (my guess for today: vampire weekend! it'd be a vast improvement over what some jackass at kim's usually listens to, so maybe not)

"God only knows what I would be doing now had it not been for the records that l have loved as a result of buying records." - Mark Gardener, speaking in code

"Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother." - Ian Gillan (i don't doubt his claim)

"rock'n'roll needs to be seen, touched, smelled, and tasted just as much as heard." - Sammy James of the mooney suzuki, a band that i am 100% certain that i never, ever want to smell or taste

"You can't roll a joint on an iPod - buy vinyl!" - Shelby Lynne (servicey! and that's the word)

in other news, i need to go back to bed.

UPDATE: you know, i picked vampire weekend up there because they are from columbia (finally, someone from my alma matter is striking a blow against the nyu kids' hegemony of the new york cultural landscape! by, um, singing songs about cape cod and sweaters and ivy leaguey shit like that and pretending to not be the talking headsenglish beat. oh dear. well, i like "walcott" and "campus"), and therefore i have this imaginary world where kim's uptown would be playing them nonstop in some kind of solidarity movement, because it was funny to me. but let's be honest, they're still playing the fucking russian futurists.

so today is basically terrible

danny federici died. r.i.p.

posting live from 1997

from the new york times: "NOW added to the endangered species list in New York City, along with independent booksellers and shoe repair: the neighborhood record store."

yuppie hangovers require yuppie cures

i'm not sure we needed the pink champagne. this is gonna be like a 2, 3 vitamin water day.

what we have here is a failure to communicate

LONG ISLAND CITY, NY – April 17, 2008 – FreshDirect, one of the nation’s leading online gourmet grocers and prepared food purveyors, announced today its plans to heed growing customer demand and expand its delivery services to reach the Brooklyn neighborhoods of Bedford Stuyvesant (“Bed Stuy”), Crown Heights, Red Hook and more. The new delivery areas are now open for delivery service, giving residents a whole new way to shop for the best in fresh produce, competitively priced groceries, and mouthwatering prepared food.

when i go to the website and enter 11233 (my zip code, in bed-stuy), i am informed that delivery service is not available in my neighborhood. i looked at their available zones list and it really hasn't changed much; there's about 4-5 new zips, each of which are asterisked, to indicate that they only deliver to "part" of that zipcode.

so, um, ok. i guess being willing to venture a block into each of these dirty, filthy ghettos is worth a major press release these days. "LONG ISLAND CITY, NY - April 17, 2008 - we're slowly overcoming our fears of the blacks!"

(i wonder if this is how reaghan roper and kristy rivera of mmw group hoped i'd use their press release? keep me updated, ladies! maybe by the time i've moved to a nicer neighborhood, away from my godawful stereotype of a next-door neighbor family, you'll be within twenty blocks of the place. of course, i won't need your service then, since i will live in a neighborhood that has a reasonable grocery store, but you know, i like to know things and all that.)

a thought

it angers me that people like banksy get so much attention for essentially making what appear to be t-shirt graphics and being a generally daft thing that exists, while true artists like blelvis are resigned to being merely local folk heroes.

mesmerizing

this isn't really exactly what i had in mind when i searched youtube a moment ago but what the hell, why not?

finally, something good on youtube.

(kudos to honjudgesmails for showing me this one)

this just looks wrong

O_O

UPDATE: everyone else is mystified by susan's anime tits too. are they normally around her knees that a push-up bra can create this much extra volume? is she pregnant? did she get implants to prepare for her role as an aged stripper? what gives? i'm fascinated. it doesn't look like she's gained noticable weight anywhere else!

strap your hands cross obama's engines

so bruce springsteen, in a shocking move, has come out as an obama supporter, stating that obama "speaks to the America [he has] envisioned in [his] music for the past 35 years." first of all, thirty-five years? holy shit. secondly, i've decided we need to make some poster slogans for obama's campaign. here are a few samples to kick-start the juices, get in on the game in the comments:

a candidate for all of you whose tires were slashed and you almost crashed but the lord had mercy

when you poke a dead dog with a stick, do you hope the dog gets up and runs?

make the change happen uptown and let obama join the band

now your turn.

UPDATE: i'd like the record to show that i wrote this at 11am, per the timestamp on the post, long before my jerk-ass boyfriend stole my obvious joke for his website! omgwtf! i'm going to start a blog fight with him! which will make this the second time in my life i've had a blog fight over bruce springsteen with a boyfriend which is amazing. and gay.

every list about dc should just be a "worst-of" list

so whatever, i never want to read gridskipper ever because i'm still fairly convinced that the "staff of multiple writers" are actually pseudonyms for one person blogging from where he is chained up in nick denton's basement, unable to actually visit any of the places his personalities are writing about, but i still click on links to gridskipper luring me with titles like "dc's most overrated restaurants." the list is surprisingly okay and accurate (LAURIOL PLAZA IS EASILY THE WORST PLACE EAST OF THE MISSISSIPPI, NEVER MIND D.C.) except...jaleo and bistro du coin? really? did ms. reichert, a.k.a. the figment of the chained blogger's imagination, go to these places once? did i only go to these places at great times? i've never waited on a fucking line at jaleo and their sangria is the bomb! there is usually a wait at bistro du coin but the food is good and i've never had a rude waiter there (for what it is worth, i truly believe you usually get treated by waiters exactly as you deserve; perhaps "catherine reichert" is getting bad service at every restaurant in d.c. for reasons unrelated to the reliability of the waitstaff? just a thought).

restaurants that should've been on the list instead of the two above:
ben's chili bowl: shut the fuck up, every single one of you. it's hot dogs and chili. and it is not even good chili; it is greasy, disgusting chili for the very drunk or those who have never been out of d.c. to have better chili elsewhere. even if it was good chili, there should not be a line for it longer than the ones at bistro du coin. it's hot dogs and chili. the late night insanity there makes nathan's look like a cakewalk, and nathan's serves beer in 44oz cups, is actually tasty, and resides on coney island, not fucking u street. true story: one night, my ex's drunken friend yelled, in the middle of ben's, "some homeless negro stole my chili dog." first of all, this is not ok to say anywhere. secondly, i was briefly completely convinced my life was going to end there and then, in ben's fucking chili bowl.

every pizza place in d.c.: jumbo slice has 6,000 calories in it. i'm not making this up. and you're eating three of them. nice job, nova girl. no wonder you don't fit into that halter top you insist on parading up and down 18th street in! another thing to keep in mind is that, similar to the ben's issue above, it's pizza. not free cocaine or something. pizza. there is another place to get pizza, generally four doors down from wherever you are standing in line. there is no need for anyone to start fistfights over pizza. despite this fact, i have seen at least seven fistfights over the pizza line.

sub-category: 2 amy's: yes. the pizza at 2 amy's is good, especially compared to almost everything else d.c. has to offer in terms of pizza. that being said, going to 2 amy's is like waiting on a 2 hour line to be ushered into a daycare full of colicky babies. do not want, especially when spinoff red rocks existed. i mean, it's not 2 amy's in that you don't have to wait on a line, which is apparently the favorite pasttime of every single resident of d.c., but the pizza is the same/better and the children were strangely absent.

taberna del alabardero: i am just saying this because i cannot afford to go to such a place.

there you go. you can thank me later, gridskipper.

i'm allowed to make such an obvious, terrible joke because my boyfriend is younger than me

"Cougars have a huge range and do not stay where you put them. Most cougars who get relocated out here(arizona) end up shot regardless because the ones that are seen and encrouch are curious and aggressive. May as well weed them out and encourage them to be even more elusive."
— Posted by Tucson Jon


(also what does this picture mean?)

there has been a massive failure in communication here, guys

where is adam schefter?

i have found it!

the best bar in soho!

D:

"mushroom margarita"? the reason white russian is listed under solids is because it is full of rice krispies btw.

D: x a million

let's all go there thursday, instead of rockstar.

question

why would someone buy this?