"WHY IS HE WEARING THAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE IS THE 'IRON MAN'? WHY IS THAT HAPPENING? OHH, THOSE ARE THE BAD GUYS. BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS A GOOD GUY?"

time out has a feature in which it publishes random write-in rants from new yorkers. often times, these are really obnoxious! this is because most people in new york city are awful, entitled whores with nothing better to do than complain about how nothing ever works exactly the way they want it to for themselves, personally, yours truly included (see: the rest of this internet blog post). however, something about this one really just took the cake for me today.

to sum up, this elderly, upper east side lady doesn't want to pay the full price ($12) that everyone else pays for her movie ticket. she also claims that she overheard a "rough-looking man" effectively taunting the seniors and children being charged full price, conspiring over the phone about how he is going to screw the old ladies and the children, and possibly hit them with hot pokers, or something.

first of all, there is no way in hell this crazy, bitter old bitch actually heard anyone on earth say this. not even in the most ridiculous "please buy sattelite tv because cable companies say evil things in the boardroom!" advertisements on tv do you see a business proprietor say anything like that. she is an insane, addled liar and should be shunned from society.

secondly, why on earth should the elderly and the under-12s get breaks on every goddamned thing? they take up just as much space in a movie theater, and quite frankly, they are far, far more likely to ruin the enjoyment of a perfectly good movie for everyone else. raise your hands, people who have sincerely wanted to punch a poor little old lady for incessantly questioning the movie you are watching, loudly, at her deaf husband? raise your hands, people who die a little inside every time something awesome is only showing at the film forum, the place where million-year-old new yorkers go to die, slowly, while glaring at "children" (n.b.: this means anyone under the age of 80) for not understanding "art"? i've also, as we all have, been treated to screaming, terrified, crying children who really, really, really should've been left at home during mommy and daddy's date to go see american psycho. children and old people should be charged more*, for the sheer inconvenience they cause everyone else in the theater.

do we not have editors anymore at tony? was this just published in the magazine for laughs, much like the inexplicable continued publication of julia allison's rants about how much everyone else, especially men, is mean to her, and also btw she does not drink ever even though she brings this up weeklydating column? no-one had a better complaint this week in a city of awful, incessant complainers? i know a lot of people have quit and been fired recently but, standards, we should have them. maybe.

* exceptions to this rule: children's movies and, um, i dunno, what is marketed to old people? cocoon? hell if i know, but whatever that is, old people should be allowed to see it for free to keep them out of movies that i wish to see.