some of you have heard this already, but i have been adopted by a stray kitten. i've taken to calling her sammy. she's about 6 months old, very friendly, sweet, cuddly, and extremely cute (see above). in fact, i love her.
now, unfortunately, i live with a person who is mildly allergic to cats. alex likes cats and puts up very nicely with not being able to breathe around mr. kitty and stephen meowlkmus, but it's pretty clear that adopting a third kitty would be a major offense. not only that, but having three cats is kind of bordering on crazy-substitute-for-children-cat-lady behavior. sammy is extremely friendly and seems to desperately want to be an owned kitty (she doesn't seem to be the most streetwise of street cats, what with the living on my stoop, waiting for me to give her food angle she's taken), i just cannot own her.
i've been trying to give sammy to keith gessen (he seems like he could use a buddy these days), but he hasn't responded yet. so, this is where you, the viewing public come in. you can either A) find me mr. gessen so he can TAKE BACK THE STRAYS or B) help me find an owner who isn't mr. gessen! like yourself, or your loved ones!
please? just look at it! you want it.
update!: sammy is now on gawker! i have a bad feeling that no one is looking beyond keith gessen's pout and seeing the real victim here, namely this homeless kitty!
Friday, June 13
help me save this adorable kitty!
Thursday, June 12
"the original wingman"
i just felt like getting this out to people besides those who are my flickr friends. seriously, what is up with this knot? it looks exactly like chewbacca the wookiee (note: yes, i did spell that word "correctly" and yes, i am a giant nerd but it's not like i watch battlestar galactica or babylon 5 something, ok? star wars is a very popular film franchise and i am a literate human being who likes to learn how to write things properly, so get the hell off my ass).
picture taken at the dearly departed temperance hall in washington, d.c. temp hall was a delightful, awesome bar with two jukeboxes, one internet, one old school, both very well curated; an amazing bartender who made awesome old fashioned mixed drinks; an enormous selection of whiskeys (mainly rye, i feel like); and pretty good food. not to mention a nice atmosphere, what with the outdoor patio and the downstairs and the tin-roofed, tiffany-lamped upstairs.
so, of course, being that this establishment was in washington, d.c., it has been shuttered and replaced with a wonderland clone. well done, "scene."
i do believe this knot is still there.
Monday, June 9
happy birthday, prince!
SCENE: two people lying on a sofa, suffering from heatstroke, watching vh1 soul. music video for "controversy" comes on.
ally: why do they make him dress like that?
alex: because he's doctor fink.
ally: no, but why?
alex: out of everyone on stage, you're questioning his outfit?
ally: there comes a point during the prince weekend that you just stop questioning whatever the new power generation or the revolution are wearing!
alex: ok, but doctor fink is at least dressed in a recognizable costume!
ally: well...i mean, the revolution is a costume i find pretty fucking recognizable.
alex: "oh how cute! what are you kids dressed as?" "the revolution!"
ally: oh my god, we should totally do that on halloween.
alex: ok, but i'm calling it right now. i'm calling being doctor fink.
(this is the portion of the post where i'd post a prince video for you to enjoy in honor of the man's 50th birthday but apparently he's not a fan of keeping his videos on youtube so here is "summertime" by dj jazzy jeff & the fresh prince instead. HOPE YOU LIKE IT, PRINCE :D :D :D )
Tuesday, June 3
just like romeo & juliet
when i was 19, i had this boyfriend who just wasn't really a guy who seemed to get hints. like, he just kind of came with me to my new (studio) apartment and decided that i wanted him to live there. since i was basically constantly drunk and/or high, i let it be. but we hated each other, very, very much. the kind of hatred in which we got into an argument so he picked up my christmas tree and threw it on the ground (decorated!) and then i hauled off and punched him straight in the face. most people would've predicted this kind of animosity, considering he was a person who did not drink, smoke, or really do much of anything (or approve of doing anything) besides listening to the magnetic fields, and i was what one might've called "a girl about town."
well, anyway, after the christmas tree punching episode, he moved out of the apartment that i'm not sure he was actually living in, back to his parents' house, presumably. but he kept showing up! for months and months, behaving like he was my boyfriend, even though we had broken up. often, particularly when around female coworkers of his that he wanted to ask out, he would admit that he was not my boyfriend, but then it would go to hell because i'd go to dinner with my friend dan who was visiting from boston and my "boyfriend" would accuse dan of hitting on me and we'd be back to square one. considering that my house was usually full of people who were not supposed to be living there yet would not leave, i didn't really fuss about it, but we were all very confused. he was still coming around, even after i had very obviously started dating someone else. after a while, we all just reckoned that he really enjoyed being openly and cruelly ridiculed by drunken 19 year olds (he was slightly older). eventually he just stopped coming round, and no one thought of him again, other than occasionally saying, "oh my god, do you remember that guy?" and laughing.
and that is what hillary clinton reminds me of.
well, anyway, after the christmas tree punching episode, he moved out of the apartment that i'm not sure he was actually living in, back to his parents' house, presumably. but he kept showing up! for months and months, behaving like he was my boyfriend, even though we had broken up. often, particularly when around female coworkers of his that he wanted to ask out, he would admit that he was not my boyfriend, but then it would go to hell because i'd go to dinner with my friend dan who was visiting from boston and my "boyfriend" would accuse dan of hitting on me and we'd be back to square one. considering that my house was usually full of people who were not supposed to be living there yet would not leave, i didn't really fuss about it, but we were all very confused. he was still coming around, even after i had very obviously started dating someone else. after a while, we all just reckoned that he really enjoyed being openly and cruelly ridiculed by drunken 19 year olds (he was slightly older). eventually he just stopped coming round, and no one thought of him again, other than occasionally saying, "oh my god, do you remember that guy?" and laughing.
and that is what hillary clinton reminds me of.
Thursday, May 22
Monday, May 19
april 3, 2001 im conversation with my mom
Garance80: i have to go make a boca burger, I will be back in three minutes exactly.
Lydk: whoa is me,,,,,woe is me,,,,,,wo is me,,,,,
Lydk: do you think it can be spelled wwo like two?
Lydk: maybe wto
Lydk: for god's sake don't make me amuse myself!!!
Lydk: come back and talk to me
Lydk: Damn boca burger
Lydk: it thinks its so special
Lydk: I hate you boca burger
Lydk: you're not even meat
Lydk: this is a very long three minutes
Lydk: i think you are doing something else
Lydk: like smoking!
Lydk: here kitty kitty
Garance80: I AM BACK
(elapsed time: 4 minutes)
items found from the past
Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Subject: There is a light and it never goes out
My fucking light is broken. I know what you're saying, the same thing they said at property management:
Me: My light in my kitchen is broke, who would fix it?
Justine: Um, you. Change the light bulb. Duh.
Me: That's not what I meant.
I don't mean it like that! The light is broken in that there is too much light, i.e. it refuses to shut off. I can pull on the chain all day and night, and the thing won't turn off. The ceilings are very high, so even with a chair, it's a struggle to reach the light in order to twist the bulb out, so I decided to leave it be.
Three sleepless hours later, I was ready to grab a slingshot and smash the damn thing. So I took life into my hands, teetered precariously on a chair plus pillows with no one to steady me...and, um, fell flat on my face when the cat jumped on the chair and slipped me up. Nasty bruises aside, I did get the light off and now someone will come fix it tomorrow. My only question about it is how on earth does such a thing happen? One day, the light works like any light, shutting on and off like the way you always imagine it will. Next day, it's rebelling against you, much like my cable box which keeps shutting off for no reason. The mechanics are out to get me and there's really little I can do about it, except quell the rebellion by asking the handyman to come in and rip the light to pieces and rebuild it into a good light.
So, yeah, anyhow, I smashed my head really hard last night on the fridge when I fell. Can you tell? I started laughing hysterically. With all the banging and noise, I'm sure my asshole downstairs neighbor complained about my wild sex life again today. If he only knew the truth!
Subject: There is a light and it never goes out
My fucking light is broken. I know what you're saying, the same thing they said at property management:
Me: My light in my kitchen is broke, who would fix it?
Justine: Um, you. Change the light bulb. Duh.
Me: That's not what I meant.
I don't mean it like that! The light is broken in that there is too much light, i.e. it refuses to shut off. I can pull on the chain all day and night, and the thing won't turn off. The ceilings are very high, so even with a chair, it's a struggle to reach the light in order to twist the bulb out, so I decided to leave it be.
Three sleepless hours later, I was ready to grab a slingshot and smash the damn thing. So I took life into my hands, teetered precariously on a chair plus pillows with no one to steady me...and, um, fell flat on my face when the cat jumped on the chair and slipped me up. Nasty bruises aside, I did get the light off and now someone will come fix it tomorrow. My only question about it is how on earth does such a thing happen? One day, the light works like any light, shutting on and off like the way you always imagine it will. Next day, it's rebelling against you, much like my cable box which keeps shutting off for no reason. The mechanics are out to get me and there's really little I can do about it, except quell the rebellion by asking the handyman to come in and rip the light to pieces and rebuild it into a good light.
So, yeah, anyhow, I smashed my head really hard last night on the fridge when I fell. Can you tell? I started laughing hysterically. With all the banging and noise, I'm sure my asshole downstairs neighbor complained about my wild sex life again today. If he only knew the truth!
Friday, May 16
what is this type of fish called?
i want to have one (1) of it but i don't know how to procure. is it a smilefish? the url says "smile" in it which is why i made up this obviously fake name. tell me all the tales of this animal, please.
signs of mental illness #173 and 174
1) i have been hanging out at this insane face transformer website making all of you into beautiful ladies.
2) i was genuinely surprised when facial features like beards hindered the beautiful lady process.
everyone do it! send me your results! i'm bored!
when i put my tony staff photo into the manga-izer, it basically gave me this:
what the hell is that about? also the man-me looked like my dad so i think this internets website is a 100% accurate experiment in reality and should be treated and respected as such. it, like, reads dna or something when it makes you west asian.
2) i was genuinely surprised when facial features like beards hindered the beautiful lady process.
everyone do it! send me your results! i'm bored!
when i put my tony staff photo into the manga-izer, it basically gave me this:
what the hell is that about? also the man-me looked like my dad so i think this internets website is a 100% accurate experiment in reality and should be treated and respected as such. it, like, reads dna or something when it makes you west asian.
new york is the new costa rica
i just saw toby from the office this morning! he was walking a cocker spaniel and talking on a bluetooth headset. yes, i am certain it was him. no, i have no idea why the hell he was on 35th and 9th. maybe staying in a hotel? maybe he's gone to work for marithé et françois girbaud. anyway, it's pretty much irrelevant what he was doing. bluetooth headset and a cocker spaniel seem so douchey! no wonder michael hated him!
kinda irritated it wasn't jim, honestly, because that probably would've brightened my mood more.
kinda irritated it wasn't jim, honestly, because that probably would've brightened my mood more.
Thursday, May 15
consider this a birthday gift to me
GO VOTE FOR STATEN ISLAND DO IT DO IT DO IT
(i haven't been able to think clearly enough recently to write or like even attempt to be funny or entertaining, sorry guys)
(i haven't been able to think clearly enough recently to write or like even attempt to be funny or entertaining, sorry guys)
Tuesday, May 13
Monday, May 12
i'm the only person who understands anything anymore
"There was not a single moment that I thought [Indy] . . . was in any sort of peril or even significant inconvenience."
omfg of course there wasn't because INDIANA JONES IS IMMORTAL. also, maybe he's not because somehow the cup of christ didn't like "take" or something, but whatever! did you actually think he was in any sort of peril in any of the other movies? if so: you are a retard!
it's too early in the morning for me to read the post. i don't even care about this movie, i mean it's going to suck!
omfg of course there wasn't because INDIANA JONES IS IMMORTAL. also, maybe he's not because somehow the cup of christ didn't like "take" or something, but whatever! did you actually think he was in any sort of peril in any of the other movies? if so: you are a retard!
it's too early in the morning for me to read the post. i don't even care about this movie, i mean it's going to suck!
Friday, May 9
omg!
my newest favorite website!
i'm a little sleep deprived. i was doing this last night so i'm pretty out of it today!
i'm a little sleep deprived. i was doing this last night so i'm pretty out of it today!
Thursday, May 8
saturday night am i rite?
see, this is what the film medium was created for. not things like speed racer or what happens in vegas or scarlet johansson staring creepily.
Wednesday, May 7
final update from martha's vineyard
honestly? two votes? the terrorists truly have won.
for those of you who don't remember our previous notes on this monumental vote, tisbury wasn't voting to like, let a bunch of saloons and whorehouses and speakeasies and liquor stores into town. they were voting to allow all, like 3 of their restaurants be allowed to serve beer and wine in them. and, uh, it failed. because apparently three-enough people really, really want to preserve t-shirt shops. which is somehow affected by whether or not i drink a glass of wine with my french food.
oh well, bad luck, everyone! you could always just get on the chappy ferry and drink!
Monday, May 5
i only like books about animals, too
this is really, really long but it is really, really worth it. i mean...the horse on the rocket. wow. i'm too scared to actually play the game, it might just be too big and real for my computer.
Friday, May 2
a handy guide to work excuses
i used to work with a girl who took off work literally at least twice a week. obviously, she eventually got fired for this behavior (like, two or three years into this behavior which makes it kind of amazing), but she really had such great excuses that i didn't think they should ever fire her. my favorite was when she went through a period where one day, she'd be out because she was ovulating and therefore needed to have sex with her husband (she actually told everyone this); the next day, she'd need to be out because she was filing for divorce from her "gay husband." related, truthful events? no one will ever know. anyway, in that spirit, i present to you a handy guide to excuses to getting out of work by ally and alex.
Alex: hm
Ross: ok (edit: in case you are retarded, this is a copy-paste of another conversation, not ross suddenly showing up in our gchat)
new plan
claim I have to let the meter reader in and leave at 2
me: doctor's appt
flood
roommate locked out, need to get key to him
dog died
Alex: lolol apartment's on fire
me: sister in hospital
gas leak
ovulation
Alex: shark attack
me: monkeys broke out of their barrel
fiancee in car accident
shirt is itchy
Alex: rly hungover
me: girlfriend having an abortion, should really go be there
need to get pretty for party tonight
forgot underpants
Alex: callback for rent audition
me: saw a mouse under desk
kickball
Alex: video just went viral
won emmy
me: need to place superdelegate vote
just became julia allison's next geeky bf
felt fat
Alex: maid robot became sentient, asking about creator
me: wanted to watch judge judy instead
found out brooke was eliminated from american idol, became heartbroke
Alex: heard neighbor has some fireworks
me: elvis costello called
need to renew film forum membership
Alex: has intersting offer to check out a man's submarine
me: joining army in hopes of becoming a professional football player
Alex: supposed to be jockey in kentucky derby, totally forgot
me: has to go bail lindsay out of jail again
in process of aging some bourbon, needs to go turn casks
Alex: having puppies
me: heard disneyworld was having a special princess celebration this weekend
Alex: can't say no to annie leibovitz
me: finally actually comin to join elizabeth
got the callback to be on unbeatable banzuki
Alex: has 88 minutes to live
me: forgot about dre
has to go have tina fey's baby
for some reason "the animals" are on tour, got drafted into being in the band
i can do this all day really
Alex: was told by future-cyborg "come with me if you want to live"
lol
^^post these as handy resource for next time ross has a hangover
me: really it's good advice for everyone.
Alex: hm
Ross: ok (edit: in case you are retarded, this is a copy-paste of another conversation, not ross suddenly showing up in our gchat)
new plan
claim I have to let the meter reader in and leave at 2
me: doctor's appt
flood
roommate locked out, need to get key to him
dog died
Alex: lolol apartment's on fire
me: sister in hospital
gas leak
ovulation
Alex: shark attack
me: monkeys broke out of their barrel
fiancee in car accident
shirt is itchy
Alex: rly hungover
me: girlfriend having an abortion, should really go be there
need to get pretty for party tonight
forgot underpants
Alex: callback for rent audition
me: saw a mouse under desk
kickball
Alex: video just went viral
won emmy
me: need to place superdelegate vote
just became julia allison's next geeky bf
felt fat
Alex: maid robot became sentient, asking about creator
me: wanted to watch judge judy instead
found out brooke was eliminated from american idol, became heartbroke
Alex: heard neighbor has some fireworks
me: elvis costello called
need to renew film forum membership
Alex: has intersting offer to check out a man's submarine
me: joining army in hopes of becoming a professional football player
Alex: supposed to be jockey in kentucky derby, totally forgot
me: has to go bail lindsay out of jail again
in process of aging some bourbon, needs to go turn casks
Alex: having puppies
me: heard disneyworld was having a special princess celebration this weekend
Alex: can't say no to annie leibovitz
me: finally actually comin to join elizabeth
got the callback to be on unbeatable banzuki
Alex: has 88 minutes to live
me: forgot about dre
has to go have tina fey's baby
for some reason "the animals" are on tour, got drafted into being in the band
i can do this all day really
Alex: was told by future-cyborg "come with me if you want to live"
lol
^^post these as handy resource for next time ross has a hangover
me: really it's good advice for everyone.
Thursday, May 1
national mvp eli manning: still unstoppable
i am imagining this is an elaborate coke joke. well, not elaborate really.
UPDATE: actually, what the fuck is happening in this picture? is tom coughlin truly so old that i didn't even realize that was him? he looks like joe biden's father.
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