the reasons photoshop should NOT be banned (part 1 in a one-part series)

there is a slight fail, of course, because nothing in this world can be actually perfect and good and pleasing to me. obama's cigarette should be unlit. his hands are perfectly positioned to be lighting a match!

UPDATE: it is dangerous to go alone. i made you this:

"what it has is a provocatively dressed woman straddling a hamburger, and she's very busty and its kind of really horrible"

the only question i really have about this bizzare michigan burger joint controversy is why are the gays so angry about it? since when do gay men hate A) western wear B) boobs C) camp? there's nothing more relevant to "the cause" up there than the logo of a random burger shack? seriously?

i love the (female) owner's claim that she showed the logo to, like, 100 people and they were all ok with it. that's basically how lawyering works, too.

omg everybody check it out! it's that ipod girl's new single!

ross just sent me the link to the new constantines + feist cover of "islands in the stream"! i don't know how to feel about it.

i mean, besides the feeling that i hope, very, very much, that feist gets hit by a helicopter, like that doctor on e.r. did, twice.

dear person who needs to PUT ON A FUCKING SHIRT, gross!

if you are going to rip into moe tkacik by parodying her out of the blue, please keep in mind that, no matter how adept and funny you find your parody to be, if it takes your readers thirteen tries to get through the paragraph, it's probably not that funny. i'm not even sure what you're trying to say, besides "i'm clever and i don't like this person." which, by the way, would be a funnier thing to post on your blog! watch:


i'm ally! i'm clever! i don't like this person!

n.b.: the one with the giant head in the red shirt, fuckheadrob, is the person i am talking about, fyi


see? now that is funny!

by the way, i want those five minutes of my life back.

sincerely yours,
ally

UPDATE: josh's post is apparently a dig on tracie. A) i am 10000000% for making fun of tracie so i take back my bitchiness B) does this make it funnier that his post reads like moe, or...just weird?

godspeed, bro

i'm pretty sure she'll see this. i hear she likes guys with beards.

staten island love affair, day 16

here's a list of all the things we're going to do when we visit staten island. who wants to come?

question

how do you fuck a mermaid?



not this one, but you know, a mermaid in general.

UPDATE: apparently alex knew where to find the answer. "Males do have a penis, but it is almost as small as a human female clitoris and is the same color as the tail;" do not want.

news everyone can use

Ally completed the quiz "Which singer are you?" and the result is Bruce Springsteen.
12:50am

oh dear

well, this should upset alex s. and some other people i know. they have alice cooper records inside decorating the walls, guys, so everything is ok. no frowny faces tonight!

this would never have happened in staten island.

post-vacation thoughts

alex: i think i'd like to live on an island, some day. it seems like a nice life to have to ride on a boat every day!
me: well, i know just the place for you!

yachting life

seems further away, originally uploaded by allyzay.

hi! i'm back from martha's vineyard! did you miss me? were you unable to live without me? did you cry? haha you're a pussy!

j/k! it's ok to be sensitive and cry in the club and everything, it's the '00s. i have never been to martha's vineyard before, so this was, officially, an adventure. it was a pretty fun adventure! except for the part where i had to get on an amtrak. that always sucks, and i always prefer to bus going to boston, but never argue the point because every self-professed northeast corridor expert argues with me, because living in new york virtually my entire life and seemingly exclusively dating boys who live outside of new york city is probably not enough experience with the transits to be a judge of these things, that the bus is "always" late and "always" takes 800 hours neither of which thing is remotely true and then i just get angry when the amtrak is inevitably a half-hour or more late and then everyone i'm with hates me for at least a couple hours and then i get all cry-face or stab-face or sometimes bang-bus and then i forget about it and get on the amtrak again a couple days later, after vowing to never give them another dime.

ahem. anyway!

after the above-referenced, never-to-be-spoken-of-again five hours of start, the vacation was totally fun! it was chilly. and very quiet and dead. apparently the season begins next weekend! whoops. as will, possibly, the end of the alcohol prohibition in the town we stayed in. whoops! (yes, that is a subscriber-only link. why the hell this newspaper expects you to pay $30 to read the letters to the editor is beyond me. you get the idea.) thankfully, wet towns, honky tonk towns, dirty filth havens of booze...they were only 10 minutes away by bus.

these supposedly honky tonk dens of depravity were pretty much like what i imagine a 4 year old thinks a crazy bar is like. maybe they are more like tijuana when the season begins. our first stop on the island, because nothing was open at all after 9:30 besides like three places, was sharky's cantina, a quaint shark-themed mexican joint. they sold t-shirts that said "lime disease" on them! i had a ginger margarita, and it was delicious. then i had some kind of lobster taco. you read that right. i said lobster taco. WHY HAS NO ONE ELSE THOUGHT TO PUT LOBSTERS IN MEXICAN FOOD? combining all the deliciousness of the world into one thing! perhaps we've all just assumed it was reaching too high, too soon? alex had a lobster burrito. lobster burrito! i decided that i liked massachusetts during this excursion.

the next day, we walked something like 73 miles. stores were not really open owing to it being sunday in puritainville, so it seemed a good idea. it was! except for the fact that i made us keep running down to the beach in what seemed to be 5 degree weather. but that was totally fun, even though alex now seems to be ill. anyway, we ended up at a place called newes from america which was like quainty mcquaintville. i don't remember what i ate, actually, but they had beers in huge ass glasses and gave you wooden nickels for drinking them. if you collect something like 8 trillion wooden nickels, they would put a sign on a bar stool that denotes the bar stool is named after you, drunky mcdrunkerton of the chappaquiddick mcdrunkertons. i also had a coffee with frangelico in it, but apparently that got me no closer to my goal of owning a bar stool, since you won zero nickels for drinking gay lady drinks. i have three nickels, so if anyone has nickels they'd like to donate to my cause, please let me know.

we wandered around a bunch more looking at really random things and running around and basically looking like idiots, jumping off of buses in the middle of nowhere and running towards beaches, but whatever. then it was time for dinner, which we decided would be back in dry vineyard haven, at le grenier. it makes absolutely no sense to go to a french restaurant without drinking wine, so of course we went to the "package store" (ha ha! what does it mean!?) and got a bottle of chinon. this was delicious! i was even allowed to eat dessert (i would be denied this the next night, when i drunkenly tried to get an almond joy out of the mini-bar in our room), which was bananas flambe, which everyone knows means ON FIRE BANANAS COVERED IN RUM.

the next day we ended up back at sharky's because LOBSTER QUESADILLAS. after going shopping and playing with dogs and stuff like that, we went to offshore ale for drinks. this is a great place. the floor is covered in peanut shells! there's a fireplace! it's a microbrewery! they do a 2-for-1 entree special?!?! what the hell? unfortunately we were not hungry owing to LOBSTER QUESADILLAS, but we did purchase a jug of beer, and a six pack to accompany us to the movie later that evening.

WE WENT TO SEE LEATHERHEADS OMG WTF THIS MOVIE RULED!!

anyway, there was some other shit too but i don't really remember every damn detail. i'm not a tape recorder. it was totally fun being in a completely bizarro world, everyone was super nice and i was like, massachusetts rules! until we had to spend one (1) hour in boston waiting for our transfer and i realized, hell no.

oh, finally, their newspaper? amazing.

if you want to see the rest of my pictures, click here and gawk at alex standing around in cloudy weather to your heart's content.

UPDATE: mussels! i ate mussels at newes from america, and they were very delicious! i tried to only eat seafood. because i think that is the law there?

happy unofficial repeal of prohibition day!

on this date in 1933, the beer revenue act went into effect. the beer revenue act was an interim law put into place by franklin delano roosevelt, a.k.a. our biggest presidential bro, as a middle man between the legal end of prohibition (signed into law in march 1933) and the date the new amendment would actually be ratified into law. the beer revenue act allowed americans to once again legally purchase booze as an emergency measure until the original amendment illegalizing our favorite of drugs no longer was valid.

raise many a glass to fdr tonight. he was a man who not only ended prohibition, but made it legal to drink while we were waiting for that bullshit to end as well.

so i need to ask again, whatever happened to that subscription to cosmo my grandma bought me?

cosmo readers mocked up their own cosmo covers and submitted them for ridicule on the public internets back in 2007. best headlines:

the 'make him squirt' one above
'the cowgirl way...on a horse'
'feel sexy INTENSELY...could your man be gay?' (this one is mad wtf)
'flares: going on 5 years! how did they DO it?'
'does being slim mean everything?'
'stop Pro-castinating' (that is exactly how it is written)
'16 erotic make-up tips!'

i mean, i would buy a magazine with those articles on the cover, for real.

tip: if you want to see more, just add -4 etc to the url, the pages don't link to one another but there's totes a bunch of them.

THE INTERNET HOW IS IT MADE IS IT MADE OF STARS WHERE IS MY BOXCAR

seriously, shut the fuck up.

While I understand your point, the fact that you can get in to the calendar (if you try for days and days and finally get lucky), try to select a time and then not have any available is ludicrous. Once into the calendar, you should have a lock on whatever times are available.

this doesn't make any sense. is it really that important to get into this stupid restaurant that you are going to fire off this many e-mails to some developer who really, really doesn't give a shit that you aren't going to be able to go eat your poncey umami-scented scallop fetuses or whatever? they got things to do! a thought: maybe if you weren't harassing the developers all day with your "look at me i'm old and don't understand how the computers thing works" nonsense, they would have time to finesse the code and improve the speed on the site!

not that it would improve the speed on your crippled, arthritic, old man fingers, or your comprehension of calendars, which is really the bit that needs to be improved.

I THINK I HATE NEW YORK BUT EVERYWHERE ELSE IS WORSE!*

* except staten island which is made of ponies and sunshine.

UPDATE: staten island is technically in new york?!?! wonders never cease with this magical island!

advances have been made in the bacon cups

bacon bra, originally uploaded by bkusler.

news i can use!

in 2002, someone apparently reviewed my old blog! which was much better written than this one and despite his (perfectly accurate) claims of clunkier design it was much prettier than this one and had like serious reviews and articles i had written about sports and stuff like that but i'm unclear as to why some shadowy, now-defunct website assigned this random person to review the personal blog of a 20-year-old girl. even if i was being inexplicably name-dropped in interviews by chuck eddy at the time.

in another universe, i would've leveraged this nerd fame to become julia allison. i should've called william morris!

thursday free discussion thread!

WILL TODAY EVER END??? DISCUSS!

to my friends at gawker,

i'm pretty sure you guys don't venture above soho that often, but no one thinks there's anything odd about this anderson cooper sighting? or are you implying that, wherever anderson cooper is, he brings the chelsea with him?

thank you,
a person who used to live just north of columbus circle, yet never anywhere near chelsea

ps ross helped with this post

it is a mess!

this is amazing! thanks alex in nyc! your pain of being forced to sit through yo gabba gabba and the big comfy couch has made my day a little bit better. it is a mess!

a GIRL dilemma

i am kind of into this dress:



however--and i tell you, i said to alex, "i don't like that pattern," when i first saw this dress in the old navy coupon mailer--i don't like that pattern. i mean, click thru to the link and look at the large detail of it. it looks like a not-abstract-enough wall of vagina. is it just me? not all of the pattern but...enough of it.

i fear that i'd wear that dress, get drunk, and start announcing to everyone, "behold the vagina dress!" and then laugh way more than that is worth laughing at, and be embarrassed at 5pm the next day, when i awake.

it WOULD be free...

the only way i'm willing to see the travesty that will be the wachowski's speed racer is if i can use my press passes to attend this screening for free. otherwise, that movie remains dead to me.

something more worthwhile:


UPDATE: i'm going to the wadja film in the pre-festival instead but maybe also other films because there are literally hundreds to choose from! i'm the movie monster today!

sometimes the world is awesome

the telegraph has a little article about one of the awesomest dudes on flickr.

i married a mermaid - m4w

"The shoeshine boys roll by kicking tin cans and whistling a lonely tune. Last thing on his mind right now is a spit shine on his favourite cognac wingtips. But no shine means no cerveza for señorita Saturday night. That's the way the world works. That's the economy in a peanut shell. And it seemed like every little trinket on his desk was hiding its face. A little dragon hides its fierce face behind the framed photo of his wife when she was a kid with a green top hat covering her entire head. A miniature easel frame of Daniel Striped Tiger faces the wall. Even the old black and white postcard of Frida in Diego's big blue overalls seems to be zoning out. Frida staring blankly at something off camera while bathing in the shadows of tree branches in an alley betwixt two houses. Everyone here has someplace they'd rather be. I sat in that car with her for hours just listening to the rain tap dancing on the ragtop. We killed the radio and hit the lights and just sat back and exhaled. It was a long drive from here to there but now we were together at last and alone. Nothing and no one in our rearview except our home. She nudged her small paws into my hands and closed her eyes. I cracked the window just a bit to let the intoxicating smell of wet asphalt in. I watched the steam rise over the dash. Our heat made fog. Lost at sea I heard a buoy's bell clanging desperately. I couldn't imagine life as a buoy. Must be so lonely out there, just you and the tide. I opened my eyes to see if she was still asleep and she was watching me. I looked down and her feet had become fusiform fins just like in the comic books and the movies. She was a mermaid at last. I drove her to the shore and she said goodbye to all her friends. There were whales and porpoises, a crown-of-thorns starfish and a school of beautiful pilot fish. There were Sea turtles and that old chinstrap penguin she'd told me about. I fell in love with the sea otters and gannets most of all. It was bittersweet. Like Czechslovokian chocolate."

it's april 3rd, so i am assuming this isn't a prank

um, the new kids on the block are reuniting? also, they have a website? that actually alarms me a little more because i see no reason as to why that website would exist since everyone knows the internet was invented in 1997, many years after the new kids stopped existing. though clicking on the website reveals that jonathan knight is looking pretty hot and poor-man's-paul-rudd-y these days! anyway, i guess they're going to be on the today show on friday so i better call in sick! OR NOT because what the fuck? i actually heard a new kids song--for the first time since i was maybe 12--in a n upscale diner the other day. first of all, why were they playing this? secondly, it was so terrible. i mean, honest to god, i can hear a tiffany single or a debbie gibson single now and be like, yeah, i know why i liked that song! "i think we're alone now" is totes awesome! but this...no. there wasn't a single redeeming feature to this song and i was just like, really? people compared awesome bands like the backstreet boys to this band? jesus! this is the song in question, if you really want to hit the '90s:



(the video is AMAZINGLY bad; it makes the video for "she's like the wind" look like "sensual seduction" level of art)

another thing is, didn't donnie wahlberg become a serious actor? why is he embarrassing himself all over again? it took a while to get rid of the stain!

i hope they're going to tour with martika and marky mark! that would be so rad! oh my god! p.s. i still own both of marky mark's albums, which i have never listened to but they cost $0.99 each so whatevs. my favorite is the one where he and his posse are posing like badasses in front of a saab.

dear top chef losers

i can think of at least one very well off company that disagrees with your bitchy "guarantee" that chocolate and wasabi "do not taste good." but keep on making gummy fresh pasta. maybe one week a college student will be the judge! or chef boyardee! dream the dream.

being a kid is like being really drunk

more info about staten island

there's a beach! with a bathhouse. ;)

battlestar galactica: should we get in on it?

more info about this "staten island" the kids are raving about

meowrson welles says: i'm quoting this wholesale from another website, but i thought it would be helpful for all of you planning your upcoming trip to the land of mystery, "staten island". i am of no help, having only been there once or twice and having done very little while there, besides wonder how such a thing occurred. anyway:

“My boyfriend and I did this last year and we’re still talking about it. We took the ferry and then navigated Staten Island by bus. Neither one of us had ever done that before, so it felt like a vacation. Start off the afternoon at the Staten Island Zoo (614 Broadway between Colonial Ct and Harvest Ave, Staten Island; 718-442-3100). It’s not as flashy as the other city zoos, but it has lots of character and an aquarium. Then stop by Snug Harbor to see the Chinese Scholar’s Garden (Staten Island Botanical Gardens, 1000 Richmond Terrace at Delafield Pl, Staten Island; 718-273-8200). Meandering paths and delicate footbridges create an atmosphere of romantic discovery, and while we would’ve preferred it if the overzealous guide allowed us to appreciate the architecture on our own, she did provide interesting tidbits we still reference today. We topped off the excursion with dinner at Adobe Blues, a Tex-Mex spot with a roaring fire (65 Lafayette Ave, Staten Island; 718-720-2583). It’s a pleasant mix of culture, kitsch and city exploration.” - Dan

discussion of the day, #2

is it just because where i live sucks, and i am blinded by this, or is staten island actually ok? st. george seems like it'd be fun! they have enormous places to live for not very much money! the ferry terminal is full of tropical fish! the mta is spending $500 million to redo the south ferry terminal to appease these mysterious staten islandites (lol 2nd ave subway sux 2 b u).

it is a mystery...or is it? does anyone really know anything about staten island? all i know of these people is that they find meowrson welles ridiculous.

i am thinking, that once i get back from martha's vineyard, we should organize a group outing to staten island, to find out what is going on there.


(this is apparently a girl from staten island, she is #3 gis result for "staten island")

UPDATE: there's a trailer park there! by the bridge, not by the fish ferry, but still!

i've gotta move to an island somewhere, become one of those boat tour guides

white people have way too much fucking money.

CUTEST TURTLE EVER!

guys it's a smoking turtle!

not to get all like JEZEBEL on your ass

...and link to stupid ass daily mail stories but i can't even wrap my head around what this one even means! what is wrong with her legs?! i don't even understand what they're trying to say about her knees at all. they look like knees. they're bigger than mine. so are her tits. they're smaller than a fat person's. so are her tits. why am i trying to understand this article?

a thought

i'd like "knutrolling" to be the new "rickrolling". how do we make this happen? discuss.

this is the worst gif on the entire internet.

D:

it's not just the construction that's torturing my coworkers today

here is a link to that times article about julia allison, enjoy!

THIS MONKEY GOT NO BONES!

Orangutan, originally uploaded by aslaugsvava.

i still have this man's phone number in my phone for some reason

haha i mean i know his show ended on march 15, 2008, according to the youtubes, but i only just saw this so bear with me. what the hell? ps i have on my ipod and i was listening to "free range" by the fall which made this even funnier. why can't i stop laughing? OH IT'S BECAUSE I WAS KEPT UP ALL NIGHT AND AM LOOPY TODAY LOL.

seriously tho wtf? i kind of feel bad for tucker and his boyfriend, if they were reduced to doing this on national (or msnbc) television.

memorable quotes from 3am

"i think that people who think that ellen page is a lesbian just have never played the game 'lesbian or canadian' before."

the friday chat republishing hour, this week featuring pirates

Ross: http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/boa/622080075.html
that seems remarkably cheap
me: we should get it and all live in it
if we all chip in it seems doable
Ross: yes
me: we could BOAT to work
Ross: Oh man
no more metrocards
me: tho theoretically i guess we could just park it on the west side and not really have to move at all
Ross: true
we could start going to nautically themed bars
me: we could BE a nautically themed bar!
Ross: yes
me: oh man
this is a great idea
Ross: anything boat-related is usually a pretty good idea
me: have we ever discussed the possibility of piratery before? i think it seems like we must've, but yet...i don't think we have
Ross: I don't think anyone wanted to get their hopes up
me: we could pirate for cats, to fill our kitty wherehouse
Ross: we are just going to steal their cats and clean out their liquor cabinets
me: i misread that as meaning that cats have liquor cabinets which was like whoa
Ross: but if cats did have liquor cabinets they would be locked all the time
me: are you saying cats are miserly?

SO. MUCH. FREE. FOOD!

dear coworkers:

stop quitting! we've already had a going-away breakfast today! now a going-away lunch? at this rate, i'm going to have to roll out of here, 400lbs heavier.

thank you!
the girl with the stupid bangs!

oh, heavens to betsy, what fresh hell is this and why am i only just learning of it now?

so, oliver stone is making another biopic? about president george w. bush, who will be played by josh brolin? based off a script cowritten by stone and stanley weiser? i am not really sure what to think about this, but i hope it very much resembles alexander, a.k.a. the worst yet most fascinating movie i've ever seen. and i mean that literally. i want there to be a scene in which george w., atop a horse, battles al gore, who is riding an elephant (IRONIC TWIST THERE WITH THE ANIMALS, HUH! NOTHING GETS PAST MY IMAGINARY OLLIE STONE!). and everyone should have incomprehensible, completely inaccurate-by-any-standard-you-wish-to-use accents.

seriously, what the hell is this? he wants to have it turned around before the president leaves office in january! with that kind of time spent on it, i'm sure it'll be amazing.

honestly, i'm never sure if i should call for this man to be stopped, or if i would like very much to honor him with a national holiday.

thanks jon, you berlin-era bastard

Which David Bowie are you?

BREAKING NEWS YOU CAN USE!

meowrson welles says:

PIES ’N’ THIGHS Sarah Buck, Carolyn Bane and Erika Geldzahler left their devotees of North Carolina-style pulled pork and first-rate fried chicken hungry in January when they closed, but they plan to reopen this summer in a larger location nearby: 166 South Fourth Street (Driggs Avenue), Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

as always, when i receive more news, you gentle readers will be the first to know.

another entry in the dictionary of what the fuckery

1) people, adult people, talk to their parents for advice on how to deal with an ex? are other people's parents different from mine, in which this would be a useful, self-esteem building endeavor?
2) you're asking a woman who has made every single fucking column in our magazine for the past two-months-plus about her ex, how to get over an ex? i mean, i guess she would know the answer to the weird stalkery questions on that one sheet.
3) you're asking a woman who obviously sent an e-mail her mother wrote about said ex to a website "anonymously" how to get off your parents' jock on this issue?
4) you didn't fire her, and the entire staff of the seek section, for the "ex sex" advice down bottom, guys?

well played, tony. the editors have now entered a dimension i never thought existed, and that i bear no relation to. i think that dimension looks like this:



and i think it is scary, being an urbane tomboy or whatever the fuck.

also why is charlotte dressed like m.i.a.??

r.i.p. small cat

guys, the small cat died :(

background on the small cat story, if you missed it when it happened:

e-mail from my mom, dated 6/20/07
I got the phone number to this girl named Elizabeth in Pennsylvania. She talks to animals and tells you what they want to say. It was very interesting. We are still amazed and keep laughing about it all. Jamie thinks Spidey was the best because the ONLY THING he had to say was that he is the small cat. PERIOD...nothing more.

um, i don't know what high school the writers of wikipedia went to, but those all sound right to me

Criticisms

The Sweet Valley series has often been criticized for its unrealistic portrayal of teenagers (although this was somewhat rectified in the Senior Year series), and its outlandish plots, especially within the original Sweet Valley High series. Some exotic examples include:

* The twins battling a werewolf in London;
* Jessica falling in love with a vampire;
* The twins and friends being chased by escaped criminals in Death Valley;
* Margo, a psychotic young woman who bears an uncanny resemblance to the twins, and later, her own twin sister Nora, attempting to murder Elizabeth in a diabolical scheme to 'replace' her;
* A former classmate of Alice Wakefield's luring them to a beauty spa with the intention of stealing Alice's face via a face transplant
* Elizabeth and a Parisian prince falling in love.
* The twins and many of their classmates being unrealistically "beautiful" in a model-like way and never having acne, oiliness, pubertal awkwardness, bodily odors, or greasy hair the way most real-life teenagers have.

if they're not going to call bullshit on a model dying of a coke overdose after two lines, then i don't see how they justify calling bullshit on face/off.

where in the world is marguerita squerie?

one a month, a queens man reposts two ads on craigslist missed connections, both referencing a marguerita squerie. apparently, she lived in forest hills in the mid '70s and hung out with a karen wolf and a mara mellin. the man searching for her is named bill, a friend of her brother victor. they must've had a falling out, since he's not just asking victor to get him in contact with marguerita (or perhaps something more tragic occurred? victor squerie yields no google results either). bill thought she was beautiful, and apparently 30 years later is looking all over for her.

who is this person? google is unhelpful. every month, i see her name again. will bill ever find her? what happened that he doesn't see any of these people anymore? did they get out? did they die? so many questions.

obama is leaving drunken mc's for hillary now, isn't he?

"don't want hope to peek it's head inside? then be quiet already and stop asking for hope!" so true, so true.

(if link above doesn't work, click on the picture for a screenshot of the missed connection--it's really amazing, right down to the "location")

next week's feature: "when in rome!"

this is a lot of words spent on "french ppl! they're not like americans! lol!" slow day or something, guys?

read my coworker's awesome short story

it is about the golden girls, and it is funny.

happy birthday, steve mcqueen!

important day. should be a national holiday. ie i should not have to be at work today.

i just wanted to point out that this is an important picture

thomas and alex, originally uploaded by allyzay.

they look so serious.

"I kind of miss the days..."

"...when the only people who were really willing to commit their time and energy to a risky industry like cinema were escaped mental patients."

ross said that to me when he sent me this insane silent film about, apparently, two young homosexuals (and their girlfriend/sister??? it's impossible to tell if she's one of those guys' sister, though it is clear she is sexually interested in the other one, because the sarcastic, sarcastic subtitles say so) torn asunder by the civil war. also, old men senselessly beating each other with canes.

they really do not make films like they used to.

1907's version of the trojan "men are pigs" ad

what the hell is this?

what is going on at the times? thousands of words about pineapples and shrinking into jungle animals? what? it's like someone transcribed the kind of shit i inexplicably babble at ross and alex at 5am on a friday or something. and then cleaned it up the next day, but somehow didn't ever think, "wait. this probably doesn't make sense."

the post in which i melt your mind with a photo of my friends

WHOAAAAAA someone lead me thru the zone, quick!!

"it's like looking hot with a handicap"

so hey dudes! did you hear about the hip new trend? girls who, despite not being lesbians, "dress like guys"! thanks to awesome trailblazers like sarah silverman and avril lavigne and ellen page, who is actually supposedly a lesbian but let's not let conjecture get in the way of insulting statements, ladies can wear whatever they like and even wear minimalist make up! gone are the days of the '90s, when i had to wear my evening gown everywhere. in this post-9/11 world, even professional women in creative career fields are getting in on the act, going into work in "canvas shoes" and black jeans. america! it's a wacky, gender-bending place! soon we women will even be getting short haircuts!

full disclosure: i know the woman in the photo accompanying this article from, i assume, 1973, who somehow traveled back in time to be quoted in it, as well. she's cool and i figure she had no idea how embarrassing this article would be.

here's something to look at while i lose my mind

here, have this new pornographers' video. there's no way in hell i can even coherently speak this week, much less write something. our office is yet again undergoing window replacement construction, which involves insane fumes and horrible drilling/smashing/shattering/slamming noises, which seem to basically go from the hours of 11am - 5pm without stopping for more than a minute or two at a time.

really, really, really not sure how this passes osha standards but i guess that's why i'm not in hr.

anyway.

zach braff's bathtub

see more crazy cat pics

i need a vacation

brian sent me this link, which shows me this:



they are cups. made out of bacon. this is amazing. richard, who has been honored twice with a reference today, saw this link too. here is our conversation about it (is this becoming a monthly tradition?):

Richard: DELICIOUS GREASY CUPS
me: imagine if you could put bloody mary in them
Richard: O_O
a breakfast delight
me: and no clean up needed
i could use that right now actually.
maybe what i'm thinking of is "straight johnny walker" actually
Richard: just the bottle pls k thx
me: i have no use for that which you refer to as "a glass"
Richard: why becuase it not interesting
me: this whiskey already COMES in a container, you FOOL
Richard: AND THEN IT GOES IN @ ME BELLAY
me: NOM NOM NOM BRING ME BOOZES
Richard:
gis for "booze monster"
me: work sucks today

SO PSYCHED GUYS!

here's a guide to astroland, the greatest place in the whole wide world.

UPDATE: i actually went and watched this video, which is easily the most terrifying thing i've ever seen. watching the cyclone on youtube is apparently enough to fill me with dread and terror. never again.



FURTHER UPDATE: since the "never again" line there did not tip pplz, pplz who might be famous photographer soundmen, off that i have, actually, been on the cyclone before, i would like to state for the record that i have been on the cyclone. the last time i was on it, i came out covered in blood and bruises and sans my top. i usually only come out of late night friday sex looking like that. never again, cyclone.

whatever, i'll weigh in on this seven diamond hooker nonsense

there are a lot of things i don't really get about this whole eliot spitzer business (starting with "eliot spitzer was our governor? why?! what did you idiots do while i was out of town for two years? jesus!"), but the biggest one is this: he paid how much to not only sleep with but specially transport that girl? don't get me wrong, this isn't a slam against aimee ashley olsen dresden doll you me and dupree jackowicz or whatever the hell her name is. she's, in the terminology i've been taught by richard, "medium cute" and certainly extremely attractive for a prostitute. she seems nice, if a little dumb. the whole being a hooker thing...well, everyone makes mistakes, especially somewhat vapid, medium cute young ladies who move to manhattan with vague dreams of becoming famous at...something. i've got nothing at all against her.

it's more like this. eliot spitzer. you, sir, live in new york. you travel to washington dc. this is the girl that you paid thousands and thousands of dollars to sleep with and destroyed your career over:



i mean, honestly, is it just me or do 40% of the women in the tri-state area look exactly like this? and if he wanted to fuck a girl like that in dc, just go to any bar on 18th st besides pharmacy (ok, in full disclosure, dc guidettes are about 1/8 as attractive as their counterparts anywhere else in the world but that's dc for you). i just don't get why you'd pay this girl that much money to fuck you when you could--legally!--get any of these other ladies to fuck you for the price of a dinner and a couple jagerbombs.

unless, of course, your fetish is just to pay for sex. i'm not buying the whole "eliot wanted anal" story because honestly is that really that unusual a request in this day and age? do you know anyone who hasn't done anal?

i have, over the course of my life, given a bit of thought to what kind of prostitute i would buy if i were a man who was buying a prostitute, and since i do not have a compelling fetish simply for putting money on the table and secretly knowing that the lady you are with really doesn't want to have sex with you, i figure that i'd have to go for something totally out there, like a she-male. because why pay for an experience that is so easy for your average person to get for free? that's why you go for the she-males or the dominatrixes; at the very least, hire some really street prostitute--i mean that is a story.

which brings me to the actual point of this post: my experience with politicians and hookers. when i was 20, or maybe had just turned 21, i was invited--mainly as arm candy, i am fully well aware--to the nys real estate board party. this is a pretty glamorous event each year, held at fancy hotels with a fancy dinner and fancy wines followed by an enormous penthouse party complete with cigars and fine whiskeys. me and the other arm decoration were pretty unusual in that we were A) women B) under the age of 30, but it wasn't something that we noticed too terribly (after all, we were a little drunk).

until, of course, we went and asked where the bathroom was and the doorman ushered us into a bathroomless room full of call girls, assuming that we were also call girls (for the record, i was wearing a diane von furstenberg wrap dress and looked very respectable). there was a lot of booze and coke in this room and the hookers were all very friendly and nice, wisecracking and having a good time. my companion--a very nice girl, she lent me her ID on several occasions when i was underage, but definitely more than a little straight-laced--was basically infuriated, but honestly i thought it was hilarious. and i have to be honest that it's vaguely tempting to take advantage of this situation, when it's forced upon you.

the girls, for the most part, did not look like ainsley jermaine dupri, despite also being five diamond whores. there were a couple of collegiate call girls there, but mostly they were ghetto-fab black and latin ladies. and every last one of them was wearing a dress that could only be describe as pageant-ready. glittering, sparkling, full-length gowns. it was completely insane! they were funny and nice and thought it was hilarious that the two of us weren't actually whores but were mistaken for whores--"two white girls in little black dresses and tiffany jewelry walk into a party and they immediately assume you're hos? men!"

we weren't there for very long, maybe twenty minutes. about the third time a (possible?) customer entered, we headed to the door.

and it was there where i ran into the mayor of 9/11, rudy giuliani.

very important information

archie in different class!! omgwtfbbqsaucespitzerlolrofflesbergers!

thanks to matos for sending me this link. i'm looking forward to the this is hardcore installment a lot.

perhaps this song for the mixtape?

additional thoughts on my work mixtape quandry of yesterday

"yr city's a sucker" by lcd soundsystem? "slut" by todd rundgren?

this woman is correct and justified in her actions

Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band, 1980, originally uploaded by ReyGuy.

i would do the exact same thing to any one of you in this situation. just keep that in mind, my "friends." because, really, she's right: what kind of asshole doesn't like bruce springsteen?

question

how come the nice people at nu-kitchen will deliver to my house, but the racists at fresh direct and peapod still will not? if i want groceries, i have to either leave work early to purchase them in person at the key foods that closes at 7 or i have to purchase expensive, already-made food? i like to call this ongoing complaint "reason #73 why i need to move to clinton hill or prospect heights or astoria or wash heights within the next 2 months before i murder someone."

reason #74 is the baby(ies? unclear on how many there are) that have moved in across the hall from us with their apparently completely neglectful parent(s? again, unclear). just fyi.

the surprise of the day

so i took this quiz and got this result:

You like a dive bar

You go to a bar to drink, period. You’re not there to make friends, groove to bland jazz or appreciate the latest advances in recessed lighting. Most of all, you do not go to a bar to impress anyone, and you detest people who do.

please, please, everyone, no fainting, just be cool.

question about quiz: if you don't drink (one of the options on a semi-disguised "your preferred drink" question), why the hell are you taking a quiz called "what's your bar type"?

also, i said, in jest, something funny but impolite when i read "would you count the wino/vagrant who holds the door open for me at night?" and i feel v guilty and would like to apologize for being a terrible person who should probably be shunned by everyone.

rocky had his go get'em tune

so i got an e-mail from a coworker looking for all of us in our group to send a single "inner Get Pumped song" to contribute to a mix cd. it is a fun idea and i'll get to see what kind of tastes in music my coworkers have so i can judge them silently if any of them like modest mouse for example, and it will involve some kind of booze outing which is always a+. so why am i spending a lot of time thinking up horribly inappropriate things which i could contribute? am i a really awful person? i mean, yes, probably, yes. here's what i've come up with so far:

tim curry's halloween song from the made-for-television motion picture the worst witch
"here comes a regular" by the replacements
"pussy control" by prince
"laywers, guns and money" by warren zevon

then i had to go to a meeting and stopped thinking of songs so suggest your own in the comments.

when the meeting ended, i got this message which i'd like to share with everyone:



typical.

UPDATE: "big poppa"?

UPDATE 2: "ATLANTIC CITY"!

hey! guys! party?

i am really into this blend-your-own-wine kit. especially since the instructions include the line, "Cups for spitting are optional, but recommended as swallowing fatigues the palate."

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

seriously, though, i want this.

travel tips and hints for the broke amongst us!

meowrson welles says: boltbus, a spin-off of greyhound bus service, will be offering tickets as low as $1 on the ny-dc route beginning march 27th. the rates will go up as seats sell out on each trip, so it pays to book early. that being said, there is still plenty of availability, even on weekends, for the first month of service.

now you have no excuse to stay in that horrible pit that we call our nation's capitol! use this excuse to visit astroland, which reopens for the 2008 season this weekend! i know where i will be. every weekend from now until september.

"why don't you just throw the next challenge?"

the mystery of what made tim gunn sad has been solved! surprise: it was that awful horrible bitch victorya. i am disappointed that he doesn't want to see the return of zubaz though. that makes me sad.

so can i get a refund?

as much as i think this is a terrific idea, and as much as i've argued this topic, vehemently, everywhere, to everyone who will listen...it still pisses me off that that threshold raising is just enough that i would not be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt right now had these universities had more reasonable standards ages ago.

i'm not going to get into the argument about how, despite raising your threshold, the fafsa standard still includes no standard of living adjustments and yet still contains the unreasonableness of counting people as "minors" for financial aid purposes until they are twenty-five years old (are we renting cars? why can a person join the army but not rent a car, btw? until the advent of zipcar, i suppose. anyone can get one of those. i'm digressing) no matter what their status on their parents' tax returns, but baby-steps are better than nothing. maybe if the schools take the initiative the government will follow?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah i know i kid, i kid.

at least i hope that's what $5,500 gets you

my ex thought eliot spitzer was a basically amazing, fascinating person who was awesome and honestly was worth talking about way, way, way more than any sane human being, even one with the last name of spitzer, would talk about him. so i find this kinda funny, considering both of them now basically might as well be frank miller characters.

the most depressing headline on craigslist today

RIP

tim gunn is no longer sad

is this their facebook photo? i tag this "jon williams" and "bill weber"

i <3ed crazy baltimore gay hipster insane christian and i <3 this fierce picture even more. also: victoria beckham had tears in her robot eyes. like the lady terminator, she is learning the ways of our "humans".

it is probably impossible for the week to get any worse than it has been, right?

the work drama, the bleeding finger, the EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD...now patrick swayze?



you are awesome, patrick swayze. i would watch point break tonight in honor but i have to watch project runway and witness the sadness of tim gunn.

this sounds about right

also: at some point someone apparently poked me with the entire libertarian party?

ps i promise i will actually write some real posts on here at some point again in the future.

daerest obama fans

STOP BITING THE GREAT ORNALDO BLOOMPS





>:[

also keep in mind:

something to keep your spirits up

an e-mail exchange

Ally to LYDIA
Have you guys seen Michael Clayton yet?

LYDIA to Ally
Nope...but our neighbor got arrested 2 days ago for being a pimp!

Ally to LYDIA
Huh. I have nothing to say to that.

LYDIA to Ally
Don't blame yourself. There's nothing any of us can do...
HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ally to LYDIA
ok, I'll stop sobbing now...

???

yeah, i know i'm being an asshole lately

meowlkmus, originally uploaded by allyzay.

but i'm sorry, dudes, i'm in the middle of some pretty retarded bs at work and not only that but i'm in the middle of some pretty retarded bs at work while they are doing horrible ear-piercing construction 10 feet from my desk so like if i don't get back to you on the phone or i don't im you back (guys, sometimes when my status says "away: at a mtg with google" or "away: in a sales mtg" or "away: fuck you" i'm not just trying to discourage my mom from talking to me. i'm telling the truth. i ain't singling out any y'all 10 ppl who know who you are, it's just that i'm actually required by my boss to keep up the chat program at work to be accessible, otherwise i'd have it off), please don't take it personal. i'll be normal in a week. except for the deafness.

here's a picture of an adorable cat in the meanwhile.

ps lol brett favre, sayonara you beautiful bastard.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

DREW BLEDSOE HAD A $100M CONTRACT AT SOME POINT?

new york's best rollercoaster

...is in connecticut. what?