a handy guide to work excuses

i used to work with a girl who took off work literally at least twice a week. obviously, she eventually got fired for this behavior (like, two or three years into this behavior which makes it kind of amazing), but she really had such great excuses that i didn't think they should ever fire her. my favorite was when she went through a period where one day, she'd be out because she was ovulating and therefore needed to have sex with her husband (she actually told everyone this); the next day, she'd need to be out because she was filing for divorce from her "gay husband." related, truthful events? no one will ever know. anyway, in that spirit, i present to you a handy guide to excuses to getting out of work by ally and alex.

Alex: hm
Ross: ok (edit: in case you are retarded, this is a copy-paste of another conversation, not ross suddenly showing up in our gchat)
new plan
claim I have to let the meter reader in and leave at 2
me: doctor's appt
flood
roommate locked out, need to get key to him
dog died
Alex: lolol apartment's on fire
me: sister in hospital
gas leak
ovulation
Alex: shark attack
me: monkeys broke out of their barrel
fiancee in car accident
shirt is itchy
Alex: rly hungover
me: girlfriend having an abortion, should really go be there
need to get pretty for party tonight
forgot underpants
Alex: callback for rent audition
me: saw a mouse under desk
kickball
Alex: video just went viral
won emmy
me: need to place superdelegate vote
just became julia allison's next geeky bf
felt fat
Alex: maid robot became sentient, asking about creator
me: wanted to watch judge judy instead
found out brooke was eliminated from american idol, became heartbroke
Alex: heard neighbor has some fireworks
me: elvis costello called
need to renew film forum membership
Alex: has intersting offer to check out a man's submarine
me: joining army in hopes of becoming a professional football player
Alex: supposed to be jockey in kentucky derby, totally forgot
me: has to go bail lindsay out of jail again
in process of aging some bourbon, needs to go turn casks
Alex: having puppies
me: heard disneyworld was having a special princess celebration this weekend
Alex: can't say no to annie leibovitz
me: finally actually comin to join elizabeth
got the callback to be on unbeatable banzuki
Alex: has 88 minutes to live
me: forgot about dre
has to go have tina fey's baby
for some reason "the animals" are on tour, got drafted into being in the band
i can do this all day really
Alex: was told by future-cyborg "come with me if you want to live"
lol
^^post these as handy resource for next time ross has a hangover
me: really it's good advice for everyone.