it's not just the construction that's torturing my coworkers today

here is a link to that times article about julia allison, enjoy!

THIS MONKEY GOT NO BONES!

Orangutan, originally uploaded by aslaugsvava.

i still have this man's phone number in my phone for some reason

haha i mean i know his show ended on march 15, 2008, according to the youtubes, but i only just saw this so bear with me. what the hell? ps i have on my ipod and i was listening to "free range" by the fall which made this even funnier. why can't i stop laughing? OH IT'S BECAUSE I WAS KEPT UP ALL NIGHT AND AM LOOPY TODAY LOL.

seriously tho wtf? i kind of feel bad for tucker and his boyfriend, if they were reduced to doing this on national (or msnbc) television.

memorable quotes from 3am

"i think that people who think that ellen page is a lesbian just have never played the game 'lesbian or canadian' before."

the friday chat republishing hour, this week featuring pirates

Ross: http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/boa/622080075.html
that seems remarkably cheap
me: we should get it and all live in it
if we all chip in it seems doable
Ross: yes
me: we could BOAT to work
Ross: Oh man
no more metrocards
me: tho theoretically i guess we could just park it on the west side and not really have to move at all
Ross: true
we could start going to nautically themed bars
me: we could BE a nautically themed bar!
Ross: yes
me: oh man
this is a great idea
Ross: anything boat-related is usually a pretty good idea
me: have we ever discussed the possibility of piratery before? i think it seems like we must've, but yet...i don't think we have
Ross: I don't think anyone wanted to get their hopes up
me: we could pirate for cats, to fill our kitty wherehouse
Ross: we are just going to steal their cats and clean out their liquor cabinets
me: i misread that as meaning that cats have liquor cabinets which was like whoa
Ross: but if cats did have liquor cabinets they would be locked all the time
me: are you saying cats are miserly?

SO. MUCH. FREE. FOOD!

dear coworkers:

stop quitting! we've already had a going-away breakfast today! now a going-away lunch? at this rate, i'm going to have to roll out of here, 400lbs heavier.

thank you!
the girl with the stupid bangs!

oh, heavens to betsy, what fresh hell is this and why am i only just learning of it now?

so, oliver stone is making another biopic? about president george w. bush, who will be played by josh brolin? based off a script cowritten by stone and stanley weiser? i am not really sure what to think about this, but i hope it very much resembles alexander, a.k.a. the worst yet most fascinating movie i've ever seen. and i mean that literally. i want there to be a scene in which george w., atop a horse, battles al gore, who is riding an elephant (IRONIC TWIST THERE WITH THE ANIMALS, HUH! NOTHING GETS PAST MY IMAGINARY OLLIE STONE!). and everyone should have incomprehensible, completely inaccurate-by-any-standard-you-wish-to-use accents.

seriously, what the hell is this? he wants to have it turned around before the president leaves office in january! with that kind of time spent on it, i'm sure it'll be amazing.

honestly, i'm never sure if i should call for this man to be stopped, or if i would like very much to honor him with a national holiday.

thanks jon, you berlin-era bastard

Which David Bowie are you?

BREAKING NEWS YOU CAN USE!

meowrson welles says:

PIES ’N’ THIGHS Sarah Buck, Carolyn Bane and Erika Geldzahler left their devotees of North Carolina-style pulled pork and first-rate fried chicken hungry in January when they closed, but they plan to reopen this summer in a larger location nearby: 166 South Fourth Street (Driggs Avenue), Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

as always, when i receive more news, you gentle readers will be the first to know.

another entry in the dictionary of what the fuckery

1) people, adult people, talk to their parents for advice on how to deal with an ex? are other people's parents different from mine, in which this would be a useful, self-esteem building endeavor?
2) you're asking a woman who has made every single fucking column in our magazine for the past two-months-plus about her ex, how to get over an ex? i mean, i guess she would know the answer to the weird stalkery questions on that one sheet.
3) you're asking a woman who obviously sent an e-mail her mother wrote about said ex to a website "anonymously" how to get off your parents' jock on this issue?
4) you didn't fire her, and the entire staff of the seek section, for the "ex sex" advice down bottom, guys?

well played, tony. the editors have now entered a dimension i never thought existed, and that i bear no relation to. i think that dimension looks like this:



and i think it is scary, being an urbane tomboy or whatever the fuck.

also why is charlotte dressed like m.i.a.??

r.i.p. small cat

guys, the small cat died :(

background on the small cat story, if you missed it when it happened:

e-mail from my mom, dated 6/20/07
I got the phone number to this girl named Elizabeth in Pennsylvania. She talks to animals and tells you what they want to say. It was very interesting. We are still amazed and keep laughing about it all. Jamie thinks Spidey was the best because the ONLY THING he had to say was that he is the small cat. PERIOD...nothing more.

um, i don't know what high school the writers of wikipedia went to, but those all sound right to me

Criticisms

The Sweet Valley series has often been criticized for its unrealistic portrayal of teenagers (although this was somewhat rectified in the Senior Year series), and its outlandish plots, especially within the original Sweet Valley High series. Some exotic examples include:

* The twins battling a werewolf in London;
* Jessica falling in love with a vampire;
* The twins and friends being chased by escaped criminals in Death Valley;
* Margo, a psychotic young woman who bears an uncanny resemblance to the twins, and later, her own twin sister Nora, attempting to murder Elizabeth in a diabolical scheme to 'replace' her;
* A former classmate of Alice Wakefield's luring them to a beauty spa with the intention of stealing Alice's face via a face transplant
* Elizabeth and a Parisian prince falling in love.
* The twins and many of their classmates being unrealistically "beautiful" in a model-like way and never having acne, oiliness, pubertal awkwardness, bodily odors, or greasy hair the way most real-life teenagers have.

if they're not going to call bullshit on a model dying of a coke overdose after two lines, then i don't see how they justify calling bullshit on face/off.

where in the world is marguerita squerie?

one a month, a queens man reposts two ads on craigslist missed connections, both referencing a marguerita squerie. apparently, she lived in forest hills in the mid '70s and hung out with a karen wolf and a mara mellin. the man searching for her is named bill, a friend of her brother victor. they must've had a falling out, since he's not just asking victor to get him in contact with marguerita (or perhaps something more tragic occurred? victor squerie yields no google results either). bill thought she was beautiful, and apparently 30 years later is looking all over for her.

who is this person? google is unhelpful. every month, i see her name again. will bill ever find her? what happened that he doesn't see any of these people anymore? did they get out? did they die? so many questions.

obama is leaving drunken mc's for hillary now, isn't he?

"don't want hope to peek it's head inside? then be quiet already and stop asking for hope!" so true, so true.

(if link above doesn't work, click on the picture for a screenshot of the missed connection--it's really amazing, right down to the "location")

next week's feature: "when in rome!"

this is a lot of words spent on "french ppl! they're not like americans! lol!" slow day or something, guys?

read my coworker's awesome short story

it is about the golden girls, and it is funny.

happy birthday, steve mcqueen!

important day. should be a national holiday. ie i should not have to be at work today.

i just wanted to point out that this is an important picture

thomas and alex, originally uploaded by allyzay.

they look so serious.

"I kind of miss the days..."

"...when the only people who were really willing to commit their time and energy to a risky industry like cinema were escaped mental patients."

ross said that to me when he sent me this insane silent film about, apparently, two young homosexuals (and their girlfriend/sister??? it's impossible to tell if she's one of those guys' sister, though it is clear she is sexually interested in the other one, because the sarcastic, sarcastic subtitles say so) torn asunder by the civil war. also, old men senselessly beating each other with canes.

they really do not make films like they used to.

1907's version of the trojan "men are pigs" ad

what the hell is this?

what is going on at the times? thousands of words about pineapples and shrinking into jungle animals? what? it's like someone transcribed the kind of shit i inexplicably babble at ross and alex at 5am on a friday or something. and then cleaned it up the next day, but somehow didn't ever think, "wait. this probably doesn't make sense."

the post in which i melt your mind with a photo of my friends

WHOAAAAAA someone lead me thru the zone, quick!!

"it's like looking hot with a handicap"

so hey dudes! did you hear about the hip new trend? girls who, despite not being lesbians, "dress like guys"! thanks to awesome trailblazers like sarah silverman and avril lavigne and ellen page, who is actually supposedly a lesbian but let's not let conjecture get in the way of insulting statements, ladies can wear whatever they like and even wear minimalist make up! gone are the days of the '90s, when i had to wear my evening gown everywhere. in this post-9/11 world, even professional women in creative career fields are getting in on the act, going into work in "canvas shoes" and black jeans. america! it's a wacky, gender-bending place! soon we women will even be getting short haircuts!

full disclosure: i know the woman in the photo accompanying this article from, i assume, 1973, who somehow traveled back in time to be quoted in it, as well. she's cool and i figure she had no idea how embarrassing this article would be.

here's something to look at while i lose my mind

here, have this new pornographers' video. there's no way in hell i can even coherently speak this week, much less write something. our office is yet again undergoing window replacement construction, which involves insane fumes and horrible drilling/smashing/shattering/slamming noises, which seem to basically go from the hours of 11am - 5pm without stopping for more than a minute or two at a time.

really, really, really not sure how this passes osha standards but i guess that's why i'm not in hr.

anyway.

zach braff's bathtub

see more crazy cat pics

i need a vacation

brian sent me this link, which shows me this:



they are cups. made out of bacon. this is amazing. richard, who has been honored twice with a reference today, saw this link too. here is our conversation about it (is this becoming a monthly tradition?):

Richard: DELICIOUS GREASY CUPS
me: imagine if you could put bloody mary in them
Richard: O_O
a breakfast delight
me: and no clean up needed
i could use that right now actually.
maybe what i'm thinking of is "straight johnny walker" actually
Richard: just the bottle pls k thx
me: i have no use for that which you refer to as "a glass"
Richard: why becuase it not interesting
me: this whiskey already COMES in a container, you FOOL
Richard: AND THEN IT GOES IN @ ME BELLAY
me: NOM NOM NOM BRING ME BOOZES
Richard:
gis for "booze monster"
me: work sucks today

SO PSYCHED GUYS!

here's a guide to astroland, the greatest place in the whole wide world.

UPDATE: i actually went and watched this video, which is easily the most terrifying thing i've ever seen. watching the cyclone on youtube is apparently enough to fill me with dread and terror. never again.



FURTHER UPDATE: since the "never again" line there did not tip pplz, pplz who might be famous photographer soundmen, off that i have, actually, been on the cyclone before, i would like to state for the record that i have been on the cyclone. the last time i was on it, i came out covered in blood and bruises and sans my top. i usually only come out of late night friday sex looking like that. never again, cyclone.

whatever, i'll weigh in on this seven diamond hooker nonsense

there are a lot of things i don't really get about this whole eliot spitzer business (starting with "eliot spitzer was our governor? why?! what did you idiots do while i was out of town for two years? jesus!"), but the biggest one is this: he paid how much to not only sleep with but specially transport that girl? don't get me wrong, this isn't a slam against aimee ashley olsen dresden doll you me and dupree jackowicz or whatever the hell her name is. she's, in the terminology i've been taught by richard, "medium cute" and certainly extremely attractive for a prostitute. she seems nice, if a little dumb. the whole being a hooker thing...well, everyone makes mistakes, especially somewhat vapid, medium cute young ladies who move to manhattan with vague dreams of becoming famous at...something. i've got nothing at all against her.

it's more like this. eliot spitzer. you, sir, live in new york. you travel to washington dc. this is the girl that you paid thousands and thousands of dollars to sleep with and destroyed your career over:



i mean, honestly, is it just me or do 40% of the women in the tri-state area look exactly like this? and if he wanted to fuck a girl like that in dc, just go to any bar on 18th st besides pharmacy (ok, in full disclosure, dc guidettes are about 1/8 as attractive as their counterparts anywhere else in the world but that's dc for you). i just don't get why you'd pay this girl that much money to fuck you when you could--legally!--get any of these other ladies to fuck you for the price of a dinner and a couple jagerbombs.

unless, of course, your fetish is just to pay for sex. i'm not buying the whole "eliot wanted anal" story because honestly is that really that unusual a request in this day and age? do you know anyone who hasn't done anal?

i have, over the course of my life, given a bit of thought to what kind of prostitute i would buy if i were a man who was buying a prostitute, and since i do not have a compelling fetish simply for putting money on the table and secretly knowing that the lady you are with really doesn't want to have sex with you, i figure that i'd have to go for something totally out there, like a she-male. because why pay for an experience that is so easy for your average person to get for free? that's why you go for the she-males or the dominatrixes; at the very least, hire some really street prostitute--i mean that is a story.

which brings me to the actual point of this post: my experience with politicians and hookers. when i was 20, or maybe had just turned 21, i was invited--mainly as arm candy, i am fully well aware--to the nys real estate board party. this is a pretty glamorous event each year, held at fancy hotels with a fancy dinner and fancy wines followed by an enormous penthouse party complete with cigars and fine whiskeys. me and the other arm decoration were pretty unusual in that we were A) women B) under the age of 30, but it wasn't something that we noticed too terribly (after all, we were a little drunk).

until, of course, we went and asked where the bathroom was and the doorman ushered us into a bathroomless room full of call girls, assuming that we were also call girls (for the record, i was wearing a diane von furstenberg wrap dress and looked very respectable). there was a lot of booze and coke in this room and the hookers were all very friendly and nice, wisecracking and having a good time. my companion--a very nice girl, she lent me her ID on several occasions when i was underage, but definitely more than a little straight-laced--was basically infuriated, but honestly i thought it was hilarious. and i have to be honest that it's vaguely tempting to take advantage of this situation, when it's forced upon you.

the girls, for the most part, did not look like ainsley jermaine dupri, despite also being five diamond whores. there were a couple of collegiate call girls there, but mostly they were ghetto-fab black and latin ladies. and every last one of them was wearing a dress that could only be describe as pageant-ready. glittering, sparkling, full-length gowns. it was completely insane! they were funny and nice and thought it was hilarious that the two of us weren't actually whores but were mistaken for whores--"two white girls in little black dresses and tiffany jewelry walk into a party and they immediately assume you're hos? men!"

we weren't there for very long, maybe twenty minutes. about the third time a (possible?) customer entered, we headed to the door.

and it was there where i ran into the mayor of 9/11, rudy giuliani.

very important information

archie in different class!! omgwtfbbqsaucespitzerlolrofflesbergers!

thanks to matos for sending me this link. i'm looking forward to the this is hardcore installment a lot.

perhaps this song for the mixtape?

additional thoughts on my work mixtape quandry of yesterday

"yr city's a sucker" by lcd soundsystem? "slut" by todd rundgren?

this woman is correct and justified in her actions

Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band, 1980, originally uploaded by ReyGuy.

i would do the exact same thing to any one of you in this situation. just keep that in mind, my "friends." because, really, she's right: what kind of asshole doesn't like bruce springsteen?

question

how come the nice people at nu-kitchen will deliver to my house, but the racists at fresh direct and peapod still will not? if i want groceries, i have to either leave work early to purchase them in person at the key foods that closes at 7 or i have to purchase expensive, already-made food? i like to call this ongoing complaint "reason #73 why i need to move to clinton hill or prospect heights or astoria or wash heights within the next 2 months before i murder someone."

reason #74 is the baby(ies? unclear on how many there are) that have moved in across the hall from us with their apparently completely neglectful parent(s? again, unclear). just fyi.

the surprise of the day

so i took this quiz and got this result:

You like a dive bar

You go to a bar to drink, period. You’re not there to make friends, groove to bland jazz or appreciate the latest advances in recessed lighting. Most of all, you do not go to a bar to impress anyone, and you detest people who do.

please, please, everyone, no fainting, just be cool.

question about quiz: if you don't drink (one of the options on a semi-disguised "your preferred drink" question), why the hell are you taking a quiz called "what's your bar type"?

also, i said, in jest, something funny but impolite when i read "would you count the wino/vagrant who holds the door open for me at night?" and i feel v guilty and would like to apologize for being a terrible person who should probably be shunned by everyone.

rocky had his go get'em tune

so i got an e-mail from a coworker looking for all of us in our group to send a single "inner Get Pumped song" to contribute to a mix cd. it is a fun idea and i'll get to see what kind of tastes in music my coworkers have so i can judge them silently if any of them like modest mouse for example, and it will involve some kind of booze outing which is always a+. so why am i spending a lot of time thinking up horribly inappropriate things which i could contribute? am i a really awful person? i mean, yes, probably, yes. here's what i've come up with so far:

tim curry's halloween song from the made-for-television motion picture the worst witch
"here comes a regular" by the replacements
"pussy control" by prince
"laywers, guns and money" by warren zevon

then i had to go to a meeting and stopped thinking of songs so suggest your own in the comments.

when the meeting ended, i got this message which i'd like to share with everyone:



typical.

UPDATE: "big poppa"?

UPDATE 2: "ATLANTIC CITY"!

hey! guys! party?

i am really into this blend-your-own-wine kit. especially since the instructions include the line, "Cups for spitting are optional, but recommended as swallowing fatigues the palate."

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

seriously, though, i want this.

travel tips and hints for the broke amongst us!

meowrson welles says: boltbus, a spin-off of greyhound bus service, will be offering tickets as low as $1 on the ny-dc route beginning march 27th. the rates will go up as seats sell out on each trip, so it pays to book early. that being said, there is still plenty of availability, even on weekends, for the first month of service.

now you have no excuse to stay in that horrible pit that we call our nation's capitol! use this excuse to visit astroland, which reopens for the 2008 season this weekend! i know where i will be. every weekend from now until september.

"why don't you just throw the next challenge?"

the mystery of what made tim gunn sad has been solved! surprise: it was that awful horrible bitch victorya. i am disappointed that he doesn't want to see the return of zubaz though. that makes me sad.

so can i get a refund?

as much as i think this is a terrific idea, and as much as i've argued this topic, vehemently, everywhere, to everyone who will listen...it still pisses me off that that threshold raising is just enough that i would not be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt right now had these universities had more reasonable standards ages ago.

i'm not going to get into the argument about how, despite raising your threshold, the fafsa standard still includes no standard of living adjustments and yet still contains the unreasonableness of counting people as "minors" for financial aid purposes until they are twenty-five years old (are we renting cars? why can a person join the army but not rent a car, btw? until the advent of zipcar, i suppose. anyone can get one of those. i'm digressing) no matter what their status on their parents' tax returns, but baby-steps are better than nothing. maybe if the schools take the initiative the government will follow?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah i know i kid, i kid.

at least i hope that's what $5,500 gets you

my ex thought eliot spitzer was a basically amazing, fascinating person who was awesome and honestly was worth talking about way, way, way more than any sane human being, even one with the last name of spitzer, would talk about him. so i find this kinda funny, considering both of them now basically might as well be frank miller characters.

the most depressing headline on craigslist today

RIP

tim gunn is no longer sad

is this their facebook photo? i tag this "jon williams" and "bill weber"

i <3ed crazy baltimore gay hipster insane christian and i <3 this fierce picture even more. also: victoria beckham had tears in her robot eyes. like the lady terminator, she is learning the ways of our "humans".

it is probably impossible for the week to get any worse than it has been, right?

the work drama, the bleeding finger, the EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD...now patrick swayze?



you are awesome, patrick swayze. i would watch point break tonight in honor but i have to watch project runway and witness the sadness of tim gunn.

this sounds about right

also: at some point someone apparently poked me with the entire libertarian party?

ps i promise i will actually write some real posts on here at some point again in the future.

daerest obama fans

STOP BITING THE GREAT ORNALDO BLOOMPS





>:[

also keep in mind:

something to keep your spirits up

an e-mail exchange

Ally to LYDIA
Have you guys seen Michael Clayton yet?

LYDIA to Ally
Nope...but our neighbor got arrested 2 days ago for being a pimp!

Ally to LYDIA
Huh. I have nothing to say to that.

LYDIA to Ally
Don't blame yourself. There's nothing any of us can do...
HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ally to LYDIA
ok, I'll stop sobbing now...

???

yeah, i know i'm being an asshole lately

meowlkmus, originally uploaded by allyzay.

but i'm sorry, dudes, i'm in the middle of some pretty retarded bs at work and not only that but i'm in the middle of some pretty retarded bs at work while they are doing horrible ear-piercing construction 10 feet from my desk so like if i don't get back to you on the phone or i don't im you back (guys, sometimes when my status says "away: at a mtg with google" or "away: in a sales mtg" or "away: fuck you" i'm not just trying to discourage my mom from talking to me. i'm telling the truth. i ain't singling out any y'all 10 ppl who know who you are, it's just that i'm actually required by my boss to keep up the chat program at work to be accessible, otherwise i'd have it off), please don't take it personal. i'll be normal in a week. except for the deafness.

here's a picture of an adorable cat in the meanwhile.

ps lol brett favre, sayonara you beautiful bastard.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

DREW BLEDSOE HAD A $100M CONTRACT AT SOME POINT?

new york's best rollercoaster

...is in connecticut. what?