my sister can't say she is a lesbian

in the best lawsuit ever, or possibly a news story just made up by my mom*, the people of lesbos are suing the gay and lesbian alliance of greece to make them remove "lesbian" from their name. because greece has a very strong heterosexual tradition, and obviously none of them have ever been associated with the homosexuals ever.

* seriously, her favorite jokes seem to all involve lesbos as a punchline.

where's hal sparks being pithy and hyper when you need him?

oh good, hypercolor is back! with a new name! i've been hoping to relive 1992 for a while now.

i was totally actually for real going to buy one but the t-shirt costs $70! i'll just go on a roadtrip to the midwest and find some original hypercolor at a salvation army, thank you very much.

"the NFL is just as much pressure"

campbell and his classmates

a thought i had reading the ny times' piece on an army football player, caleb campbell (is he a mormon? this is the mormonyist name ever! that isn't the thought), who is being released from active duty to join the nfl: wouldn't it be better press and pr for your recruitment campaigns to, like, stop sending the poor kids you're trying to reach by specifically targeting high school athletes praying for scholarships over to iraq to die? this seems to be common sense to me, and a little less of a poor kid/rich kid controversial matter! i guess that's why i'm not the secretary of the navy.

i do absolutely adore how many circles this kid talks to make it not sound like he's a complete douchebag who lucked out though, particularly his claim that the NFL is "just as much pressure" as iraq and afghanistan. i'd buy this if he was going to play for a good team, like even the bears, but he's been drafted by the lions. the only way he's not getting cut is if he somehow loses his limbs. all of them. and even then, i think it's only a 50/50 chance he'll get cut.

he shouldn't bother to be making it sound like he's doing his part and is just the same as every one of his classmates. first of all, ha ha, lol! they're not sending your white officer friends from the fancy school to the middle east to die! that's what defense language institute is for! there are a lot of options to avoid killing these kids, c'mon. don't feel too bad, caleb! also, would any one of us reading this article not make the same choice he's making? "oh, please, no, thank you mr. goodell, thank you but i'd rather toil in the desert getting shot at by the angries instead of become a famous professional athlete!" honestly, just man up and be frank about your decision to not get killed. that'd be the best help you could give the kids you're pretending you're going to recruit.


campbell today

hooking's a helluva drug

wtf happened to this girl? i used to know a lady that kinda looked like that! she was from new jersey too. that lady was 36, though. her left boob exploded! then i did not get my breast implants because my friends cried and said my left boob would also explode. the end.

y tu mimi tambien

wait. who let mariah into another movie? why did none of you tell me? i should've signed up to review this one!

wanted: people who actually know how to play music

i'm creating a band. we will be called mary toft and the rabbit babies. what i need:

guitarists (at least 4)
drummer
bassist (no chicks)
keyboard player? i can probably do this myself
other things: let me know and i will consider you

it's funny because they're different things with the same name!

williamsburg looks totally awesome in their tourism ads.

in ghetto train, bums pay you!

a homeless man, judging by appearance, approached me around chambers street. he was holding out a dollar bill and trying to get my attention through a series of strange faces, gestures, and, presumably, words that i didn't hear since i was listening to "don't say motherfucker, motherfucker" at this point. i took off my headphones and it seems this gentleman wished to pay me a dollar to let him touch my hair.

i didn't take the dollar, but let him touch my hair anyway. i haven't washed my hair in days so it's not like he could make it worse, in terms of grossness, really. he left at the next stop, and i resumed my turbonegro presummer ramp up.

back up, electric boogaloo

just a note to subway breakdancers: rush hour is an extremely inappropriate time to be doing this.* the a train is packed to the gills. people are standing all over each other. there is nowhere for anyone to go, so you guys forcibly moving people because you gotta start the "show" really isn't going to go over well. what do you hope to gain from this endeavor? the situation makes it so people like me, who had at least a 50/50 chance of giving you a dollar, are now 100% likely to not give you any money at all. why? because you're an asshole.

* in fairness, i've seen this twice on rush hour j trains.

riding on the l train, i aint got no problems no more no more no

should i get up earlier on monday and conduct this same experiment, on the l train? it is also at broadway junction!

(if you don't know what the title refers to, you really should click here and educate yourself, because seriously, brooklyn.)

(if you don't understand the picture, it was a top gis result for "l train" earlier)

(if you don't understand this post, my bad)

felicity

somewhere along the line, an old, manic street preacher entered the train. maybe utica avenue? it's difficult to tell, i had my headphones on, as is my normal early morning "thing." he's shouting the normal schtick at the top of his lungs: snakes coming out of skulls, fire and brimstone, lizard jesuses with lasers shooting out of their eyes. things you're familiar with if you've ever gone to mass! it's pretty easily ignorable, standard fare, is my point.

until suddenly he becomes even louder than before. "it's sunny and 75/it feels so good to be alive/BETTY BOOP WAS A STRIPPER! A STRIPPER!" is what i'm hearing now (special note to noted fan of my writing, d.c. berman: please change the lyrics of your song accordingly). with all apologies to the silver jews, you're all very good at your jobs, but none of you are a very animated shrieking man standing in front of me having a furious discussion with himself as to the whoredom of betty boop and its effect on the children. the music was turned off for a good ten minutes while he accused ms. boop of going to military bases and stripping for soldiers, not even for money but because she was a terrible person.

unfortunately, he returned to the whole maggots crawling out of orifices thing and didn't mention cartoons again. so i turned back on my music and went about my business.

the next i heard him was either w4 or 14th, where he got off*. he announced, in the same pitch that he was shrieking about betty, "forget you all! i have to go to class," and really it was in that moment that i first questioned my decision to not apply to nyu.

* i'm very slightly hungover this morning so i just didn't have it in me to care if it was w4 or 14th.

older black gentleman on the a, 9:15 this morning - w4m - 27 (Brooklyn)

i found it very flattering that you spent the entire time between broadway junction and hoyt-schermerhorn openly masturbating while staring aggressively at me. it might've just been because i was the only white girl on the train that i got this attention but i think we had something special! the piratey looking guy who seemed to get whiplash when he saw me and was openly leaning over to try to look up my skirt had nothing on your game, at any rate! i'm glad you've already revealed your inner self to me so soon in our relationship. though usually when guys reveal their inner self to me so early, it's a little more impressive.

i regret not saying anything to you now! if you see this, we should get coffee. i'll also accept the piratey looking dude (they're blue and have a cartoon lion on the ass, in case you were doing a sociological study on ladies' underpants).

don't it feel like you're a rider on a downbound train

every post i make today will be detailing my experience on the a train today between broadway junction and 34th street-penn station, because wow! in ghetto train, bums pay you! more on that at the end of the day.

if you're wondering why i took the a today, it is because the j can go fuck itself, as can all of the fans of the j, most of which all live at either myrtle or marcy and don't seem to see the big semantic difference between living on the j/m/z and living on the j or the m. i know they're a bunch of new york experts*, but it's simple mathematics.

* when i use this phrase, i invariably mean under 25s who lived at least the first 18 years of their life west of the mississippi, and who spent their first year (or more) in new york city living in the washington square vicinity or in morningside heights, aka the realest places in new york.

stories that i just never get, part a million

another day, another story about jerking off and preventing cancer. these are printed all of the time. what i never understand about them is, wouldn't it be more accurate to say orgasming? i've seen no evidence from any of the studies that they link that the, you know, arm motion (i'm making the "jerk off" hand signal right now) is really the key part here. so just having sex 5 times per week would also accomplish your anti-cancer goals. or blow jobs five times a week! or a combination of all of these things.

of course, this iteration of this article, being as it is reported by ultra fascist psychonews channel fox, claims that the reason they are specifically mentioning masturbation is that having sex causes cancer because of the stds. what the hell? is there another cancer besides cervix cancer that is caused by stds? which, you know, doesn't affect men, who are the subject of this study. servicey!

also, who the fuck are these men who are not getting off in some fashion five times per week? i don't think i've ever met any of them.

zombie disco?

meowrson welles says:it's thriller night at tribeca! and no, i do not mean the genre of movies. john landis will be there! let's all be good kitties and go get face painted and dance.

UPDATE: some of you might need lessons on how to dance, i realize. new york isn't what it used to be and it is difficult to get in practice with these ridiculous cabaret laws. so here is an instructional video:

update from mom

(coming on the heels of an email updating me of various mutated people in india she saw on tv, and calling stephen hawking a "bitchy stephen")

LYDIA to me
2:59 PM (3 minutes ago)
[ed. note: this is a completely blank e-mail]

Ally to LYDIA
2:59 PM (3 minutes ago)
you send me blank e-mail!!!!!

LYDIA to me
3:01 PM (1 minute ago)
I was jittery with my send finger...too much coke and hummus

BREAKING IMPORTANT NEWS OF THE INTERNET

this is a great blog! a focused version of what i was trying to do months ago before i went whole hog lame blogger! i can only say A+++ sir, you are a wizard and a scholar.

things you notice walking around midtown

construction workers are men who are confident in their pick up artistry!

kids incorporated

Not a game, originally uploaded by noesunjoc.

ok, in theory i'm ok with take your child to work day, i suppose. well, except that they don't actually spend the day sitting with you and learning what you do and getting a positive outlook towards a realistic view of the workplace. workplaces hire clowns and face painters and bands and throw pizza parties and give everyone soda pop on this very special day. which, surprisingly, is not actually how tony is the rest of the week.

what irks me is that people who bring their children in with them also do utterly no work. the rest of us have to sit here and do our jobs and can hear them, loudly playing with their children and having a pizza party (to which we're not invited, since we were smart enough to not get fucking knocked up). why bother going to work? what the hell is so wrong with any workplace in america just turning around and having a stay home and play with your kids or your boyfriend or whoever you damn well please day?

it's not a fucking day care. it's an office. at the very least, allow those of us who don't have children to opt out of this day. parents already get all manner of ridiculous perks the rest of us don't receive. your kid is sick? oh, hurry home. i'm sick? well, at science, despite having a full week of sick time left, my asshole boss (who was new to the job, to boot), i was informed that i was not to take off any additional time because i had taken "too much" (again i stress that i had a week of time left).

he took off regularly at 3pm to take his kids to various fun places, btw.

maybe i'm going to just go downstairs and steal some pizza, except i've put myself on a diet so maybe i'll just go outside for hours.

you know, some ppl's moms bake cookies and watch the view

LYDIA to me
11:31 AM (38 minutes ago)
HA! http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080423/od_nm/witchcraft_dc;_ylt=Aqn5ttWGFph7KYSyp40.lkis0NUE

Ally to LYDIA
11:32 AM (38 minutes ago)
hahaha why do you send me these stories every time they pop up :D

LYDIA to me
11:33 AM (38 minutes ago)
To continually enforce how ridiculous and primitive men can be.

Ally to LYDIA
11:35 AM (37 minutes ago)
I don't know if I need to know that one of them thinks his penis was stolen (still don't get this, btw, wouldn't you KNOW it was still there) to know that men are ridiculous! You might be familiar with my track record!

LYDIA to me
11:42 AM (31 minutes ago)
I spit in Bono's and Oprah's faces. [ed. note: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS EITHER OK DON'T ASK] Men who think this should just become extinct. "She stole my penis" give me a break! Can you imagine men saying that in this country? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ally to LYDIA
12:15 PM
Honestly? Yes, yes I can imagine men saying that in this country, I am genuinely surprised I haven't been accused of doing such by certain ppl actually!

LYDIA to me
12:16 PM
I think they'd call you something that rhymes with witch though :D