Saturday, September 27
somewhere, christopher walken is pissed that this bastard spacey gets to do this shit and he doesn't.
1) "irish pub"? that is the name of the bar? are its main competitors "spanish wine lounge" and "gay nightclub"? grow up, philly!
2) haha this bar is on WALNUTS! street! i mean...really?
3) that lady who gave sarah palin $2 for good luck? because of our flourishing economy, that lady now cannot afford to pay her rent in south philly, and lives in a hobo boxcar with ryan and tatum o'neal.*
4) "santorum with lipstick" is the grossest thing anyone has ever written.
in conclusion, this is a made-up story by ridiculous philadelphia attention hogs who are pretending that sarah palin would even visit their city for fear of being beat to death with a claw hammer, or that they would want such a thing as a visit from crazytits mcgee. "irish pub"--what the fuck? honestly.
* i'm watching paper moon, for some reason. i went to make dinner and this is what was on the teevee, when i returned. it was introduced by robert osbourne and sexy, sexy rose mcgowan!
UPDATE: why am i always surprised that madeline kahn had the most hugest rack ever???
also the debate would've looked like this, plus hillary:
because it would've been moderated by the most important person in the world, miss tyra banks.
oh well, whatever, debates are usually boring and not all of them can be zingy winners. looking forward to thursday's debate, in which joe biden will bluster endlessly about fdr solving the civil war by going on the XM satellite radio, and sarah palin will counter by threatening to bomb the new york senate, back in 1913, to prevent fdr from coming into power and invading her moose space.
Friday, September 26
have fun at your debate party, kids!
1) john mccain is a supporter of stem cell research. speculatively speaking, this is because john mccain is 73 billion years old and is starting to show signs of alzheimers*, a disease which might be curable using stem cell advances.
2) john mccain's support of stem cell research is one of the biggest reasons the wackadoodle republican base of psychotics jesus freaks hates mccain (the other being his support of abortion but since john mccain doesn't have a uterus he has switched positions on that one!). sarah palin was inflicted on the world because of stem cell research, basically.
so, ok. obama. you are running an ad that makes john mccain more appealing to crazy people, getting them all motivated back up to vote for captain crazy. it is also a complete lie, obviously...one that an awful lot of knee-jerk liberal "i hate republicans, all republicans, all the time" dumbasses already believed to be true anyway! so i guess you're trying to get the independents (haha obviously, i'm being facetious before)...but if mccain points out you are lying, then you look bad. but if mccain points out you are lying, then he pisses off the crazies too! omg wtf is this ad secretly the atom bomb to finally destroy the campaigns? because it is an OUROBOROS?
haha no of course not, no one cares about what they show on the teevee in wisconsin. with palin making a horse's ass of herself on national television and mccain flouncing around in his batman suit, obama could probably start running around claiming john mccain is personally responsible for the new terrible season of project runway and sarah palin is a transsexual gay vegan and no one would even notice at all.
* i was convinced until about the age of 8 or 9 that this disease was actually called "old timers" disease, because the words sounded similar and, well, it made sense to me. i finally wrote the words down--god knows why, what the hell kind of short stories was i penning in 3rd grade?--and my mom laughed and laughed.
mr. mccain shouldn't have been participating to begin with, what with no longer being on the responsible committee and having had nothing to do with the negotiations for the fourteen days since this crisis "began" (of course i'm using the word began in scare quotes since it's actually been at least around 10 years coming, but what do i know? i'm no john mccain). rushing around like a bull in a china shop while the adults are trying to shotgun marry jp morgan to his girlfriend, wamu, and figure out how the hell to prevent everything else from collapsing is not presidential or smart or anything that kind of resembles those words! if john mccain wasn't a wealthy senator, he would be in a home right now, with some poor teenaged volunteer patting him on the hand and saying, "of course i'll vote for you, president mccain!" while the nurse surreptitiously pumps him full of sedatives, which she of course calls "vitamins," just to get him to shut the fuck up and go back to watching his stories.
he is crazy and mean, impetuous and senile, the bitter and cranky old man i felt terrible for volunteering at a nursing home because no one ever visited him because he was so angry, and for the love of christ how is 40% of our country still even considering voting for this man? the villagers are slipping; we really should be chasing him back to his assisted living facility with pitchforks, where he can hold town halls with his pillows and be the commander-in-chief of the bridge game, but for god's sake that assisted living facility should not be the white house.
what the hell is wrong with everyone? like, for real this time. on the other hand, with the campaigns suspended and everything, it's the perfect time for ron paul to step back in and become president of the universe and internet.
Thursday, September 25
Wednesday, September 24
if somehow captain crazy and the church lady win this, i am going to defect to castro's cuba. just going to another country really isn't enough -- i want to go to another country and never, ever return.
but seriously, thanks for ruining the big party plans everyone had on friday, mccain. old people! always with the noise complaints and the calling the cops and the canceling their dumb debate! god!
UPDATE: here are some suggestions for other things that barack obama can debate, instead. please note that in all cases this will need to be done properly; he has to do all the voices and everything. no cheating!
- a sock puppet
- lego han solo
- the no-face cat
- cardboard cut-out of kelly clarkson
- regis philbin
i have decided to become a "lifestyle brand," like julia allison or emily brill or, i dunno, kermit the frog. as everyone knows, the #1 most important thing about being a "lifestyle brand" is breasts. so i'd like to remind everyone that i was doing this flashing shit back in a pre-9/11 world, motherfuckers.
now i just have to sit back and let the fame roll in.
(n.b.: remember how i used to have black, curly hair? huh! amazing.)
not to mention that the overstatement of this being an adaptation of the book, not the movie, puts the fear in me a bit too. blah blah blah, they are the same thing -- NO. have you tried to read american psycho? it's a very different beast, and making a really huge deal that your adaptation is in no way related to the film adaptation says...something i'm unsure about yet, but i'm certain it's something bad.
fingers crossed that infinite jest: the musical is coming down the pipelines soon, hot on the heels of sexy, sexy media-friendly death! hooray great white way.
Tuesday, September 23
i mean, it doesn't seem like it'd be that hard, right, to alter the mnf contract a little bit, so the network that purchases the rights also purchases the right to flex schedule the games. nbc's football night in america technically has the right, as does nfl network (obviously), though rarely do they execute it (was the last/first time that giants-pats game that got broadcast on all channels in the world for some reason?*), so it's not a time consideration. they could still get themselves an interesting game each week this way, instead of something like the arizona-san francisco shitfest that is scheduled for week 10.
ultimately, though, do i really want a program that still insists on employing kornheiser to return to cultural relevance? the guy consistently sounds like he's broadcasting live from peter king's bedroom. it is getting ("getting") to the point where it's upsetting me greatly--how the fuck do guys like this get jobs writing or being on television? there's such a glass ceiling for women in sports writing and broadcasting, yet tony kornheiser sticks around? ugh. his entire running commentary last night was the most porous and uninsightful analysis of brett favre's problems with the jets i've heard yet: he simply hasn't learned the playbook. over and over, this is reiterated, which makes favre sound senile, because he's been in practice with the jets and been playing with them and how hard can a mangini playbook even be and yet here he is throwing to the wrong team entirely, multiple times, because he does not understand the playbook. the thing is, brett favre is a guy with 291 lifetime interceptions. unless you are pitching the idea that he didn't understand green bay's playbook, the interceptions are not the fault of some kind of communications breakdown. they're brett favre's fault, because he is some kind of john mccain of quarterbacks: an ancient, grizzly war veteran, talented at charming the pants off the press, but with no judgment and a temper like a firecracker.**
remember how vinny testaverde got off his riding mower, walked into a stadium, and won three games in a row with no practice whatsoever? i guess brett's just no testaverde, huh?
maybe i'll just boycott football next week; i mean, the giants are off.
* no, smart-ass, i do not mean the super bowl.
** i am the first person to make a john mccain-brett favre joke that has nothing to do with age and i claim my $5.
Monday, September 22
unrelated: pineapple express is a pretty entertaining movie! james franco as a filthy stoner looks exactly like my cousin michael. it was odd to see! but still, i got over it and the movie was fun to watch though not entirely memorable.
Friday, September 19
1. please do not put on american psycho and then try to have sex with me. just...don't.
2. coming to my apartment, pointing at my record collection, and announcing--in the most bob-costas-admire-my-gravitas voice possible--that it is "not very good, at all" is kind of a one-way ticket to spending the night with fleshbot instead. especially if your idea of "good" is autechre and plaid.
3. in general, when around a lady, it is best not to tell her that she doesn't have the breasts to pull off a sweater like that.
4. in a similar vein to #3, don't then tell said lady that you think some hollywood actress you saw naked online has better tits "but only because her nipples are darker." the caveat does not make it less mindbogglingly stupid.
5. don't sell my cell phone number to your co-workers who also want to have sex with me. if you do sell my phone number in such a fashion, don't try to call me again asking me out yourself. and if somehow you've failed so badly that you've taken all the previous steps, do not be shocked when i scream at you and say, "well, i just thought you'd be into that."
6. stating that you have a crush on holly hunter, and then also stating that holly hunter reminds you of your mom? that's a little creepy.
7. so you say you have a rasputin imitation, hmmm? i do not want to see it. okay? ever.
8. if i ask for a glass of port, please give me a glass of port. do not tell me, very seriously, that i cannot have a glass of port because women are not allowed to drink port. no one has ever heard of this "rule."
9. accusing me of sleeping with music critics to get that oh-so-coveted invite to the village voice pazz & jop balloting is kind of like accusing someone of sleeping with people to get their hands on a bargin bin copy of all the sad young literary men.
10. if your roommate tries to sexually assault me, don't yell at me for it. additionally, do not continue bringing it up and blaming me and carrying on about it long after you and i have broken up.
11. always a winning move: calling up your ex at 3 in the morning on a wednesday to invite her over to do coke with you. bonus points if, when questioned about the coke, you then become defensive and scream that someone put a gram of coke into your pocket without you noticing.
12. no, i was not ever a voice-over actress playing a nurse in a venezuelan children's cartoon program. i'm not sure where you got that idea or why you called me at 1am to yell at me about it or why such a thing, if it were true, would even make a man yell, but...i give up.
13. no, i don't think you should wake up my sleeping roommate by trying to make-out with her.
14. if you post all over the entire internet claiming i gave you a hand job, don't get all cry-face when i then go onto the said-same internet and post that you are a liar. also: hand-job? are you max fischer?
15. statements like "your problem is that you are not ready for my love" guarantee that i will never be in the same room with you again.
16. why are you crying at texas chainsaw massacre? why?
17. the time to jizz on me is not after i've passed out from a blood sugar spike. (edit: to quell confusion, there was no sexual relations going on prior to pass out.)
18. please stop loudly telling my friends about how much you resemble prince when, just for starters, you are a nerdy white dude from jersey. it makes my friends laugh at me. especially when you start talking about how you "get" black culture in general.
19. do not ever take bits of my hair out of my trash can and keep them.
20. also, do not ask me what perfume i wear, and then go buy it to spray your entire house with.
that's enough for now.
Thursday, September 18
THANKS FOR NOTHING, JEFFREY.
UPDATE: here is the only photo i could find of this monstrosity:
Tuesday, September 16
Friday, September 12
i'm usually not a huge grammar/typo/spelling nazi or anything, but really? really? you get paid for your inability to spell a three-letter name and your pathetically unfunny, godawful michael phelps jokes? adam schefter should punch you in the face. and then run for president!
Thursday, September 11
big baby (nj): I've heard that you rail against teams like the Red Sox and Yankees for "ruining" baseball with the way they spend copious amounts of money. What about teams like the Twins who have a billionaire owner who nickels and dimes his franchise? AKA get off your high horse and get a clue.
YEAH, CRAIG FINN! FUCK YOU! GET OVER YOURSELF AND YOUR BIG STUPID BAND, THE TWINS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF HOBOS ANYWAY! YEAH!
Wednesday, September 10
Tuesday, September 9
A 22-year-old has been fired from a branch of sandwich chain Subway after a customer recognised him from his gay porn work and complained.
Kurt Wild, who has appeared for Freshmen and Buckshot, was employed in a restaurant near St Louis, Missouri.
He said in an email to BGay.com:
"A customer said they wouldn't even eat there at Subway anymore because of my past work and said that if I wasn't fired then they would boycott the store.
okay, so. how did this customer phrase this complaint, exactly? to put this into some form of context and really beat the obvious, i doubt i'd recognize a single person i've ever seen in pornography if they walked right up to me and asked to buy me a beer, much less just seeing them in a hideous subway uniform, making me a shitty sandwich. so...?