Wednesday, April 30
in the best lawsuit ever, or possibly a news story just made up by my mom*, the people of lesbos are suing the gay and lesbian alliance of greece to make them remove "lesbian" from their name. because greece has a very strong heterosexual tradition, and obviously none of them have ever been associated with the homosexuals ever.
* seriously, her favorite jokes seem to all involve lesbos as a punchline.
oh good, hypercolor is back! with a new name! i've been hoping to relive 1992 for a while now.
i was totally actually for real going to buy one but the t-shirt costs $70! i'll just go on a roadtrip to the midwest and find some original hypercolor at a salvation army, thank you very much.
campbell and his classmates
a thought i had reading the ny times' piece on an army football player, caleb campbell (is he a mormon? this is the mormonyist name ever! that isn't the thought), who is being released from active duty to join the nfl: wouldn't it be better press and pr for your recruitment campaigns to, like, stop sending the poor kids you're trying to reach by specifically targeting high school athletes praying for scholarships over to iraq to die? this seems to be common sense to me, and a little less of a poor kid/rich kid controversial matter! i guess that's why i'm not the secretary of the navy.
i do absolutely adore how many circles this kid talks to make it not sound like he's a complete douchebag who lucked out though, particularly his claim that the NFL is "just as much pressure" as iraq and afghanistan. i'd buy this if he was going to play for a good team, like even the bears, but he's been drafted by the lions. the only way he's not getting cut is if he somehow loses his limbs. all of them. and even then, i think it's only a 50/50 chance he'll get cut.
he shouldn't bother to be making it sound like he's doing his part and is just the same as every one of his classmates. first of all, ha ha, lol! they're not sending your white officer friends from the fancy school to the middle east to die! that's what defense language institute is for! there are a lot of options to avoid killing these kids, c'mon. don't feel too bad, caleb! also, would any one of us reading this article not make the same choice he's making? "oh, please, no, thank you mr. goodell, thank you but i'd rather toil in the desert getting shot at by the angries instead of become a famous professional athlete!" honestly, just man up and be frank about your decision to not get killed. that'd be the best help you could give the kids you're pretending you're going to recruit.
Tuesday, April 29
Monday, April 28
i'm creating a band. we will be called mary toft and the rabbit babies. what i need:
guitarists (at least 4)
bassist (no chicks)
keyboard player? i can probably do this myself
other things: let me know and i will consider you
Sunday, April 27
Friday, April 25
i didn't take the dollar, but let him touch my hair anyway. i haven't washed my hair in days so it's not like he could make it worse, in terms of grossness, really. he left at the next stop, and i resumed my turbonegro presummer ramp up.
just a note to subway breakdancers: rush hour is an extremely inappropriate time to be doing this.* the a train is packed to the gills. people are standing all over each other. there is nowhere for anyone to go, so you guys forcibly moving people because you gotta start the "show" really isn't going to go over well. what do you hope to gain from this endeavor? the situation makes it so people like me, who had at least a 50/50 chance of giving you a dollar, are now 100% likely to not give you any money at all. why? because you're an asshole.
* in fairness, i've seen this twice on rush hour j trains.
should i get up earlier on monday and conduct this same experiment, on the l train? it is also at broadway junction!
(if you don't know what the title refers to, you really should click here and educate yourself, because seriously, brooklyn.)
(if you don't understand the picture, it was a top gis result for "l train" earlier)
(if you don't understand this post, my bad)
until suddenly he becomes even louder than before. "it's sunny and 75/it feels so good to be alive/BETTY BOOP WAS A STRIPPER! A STRIPPER!" is what i'm hearing now (special note to noted fan of my writing, d.c. berman: please change the lyrics of your song accordingly). with all apologies to the silver jews, you're all very good at your jobs, but none of you are a very animated shrieking man standing in front of me having a furious discussion with himself as to the whoredom of betty boop and its effect on the children. the music was turned off for a good ten minutes while he accused ms. boop of going to military bases and stripping for soldiers, not even for money but because she was a terrible person.
unfortunately, he returned to the whole maggots crawling out of orifices thing and didn't mention cartoons again. so i turned back on my music and went about my business.
the next i heard him was either w4 or 14th, where he got off*. he announced, in the same pitch that he was shrieking about betty, "forget you all! i have to go to class," and really it was in that moment that i first questioned my decision to not apply to nyu.
* i'm very slightly hungover this morning so i just didn't have it in me to care if it was w4 or 14th.
i regret not saying anything to you now! if you see this, we should get coffee. i'll also accept the piratey looking dude (they're blue and have a cartoon lion on the ass, in case you were doing a sociological study on ladies' underpants).
every post i make today will be detailing my experience on the a train today between broadway junction and 34th street-penn station, because wow! in ghetto train, bums pay you! more on that at the end of the day.
if you're wondering why i took the a today, it is because the j can go fuck itself, as can all of the fans of the j, most of which all live at either myrtle or marcy and don't seem to see the big semantic difference between living on the j/m/z and living on the j or the m. i know they're a bunch of new york experts*, but it's simple mathematics.
* when i use this phrase, i invariably mean under 25s who lived at least the first 18 years of their life west of the mississippi, and who spent their first year (or more) in new york city living in the washington square vicinity or in morningside heights, aka the realest places in new york.
Thursday, April 24
of course, this iteration of this article, being as it is reported by ultra fascist psychonews channel fox, claims that the reason they are specifically mentioning masturbation is that having sex causes cancer because of the stds. what the hell? is there another cancer besides cervix cancer that is caused by stds? which, you know, doesn't affect men, who are the subject of this study. servicey!
also, who the fuck are these men who are not getting off in some fashion five times per week? i don't think i've ever met any of them.
meowrson welles says:it's thriller night at tribeca! and no, i do not mean the genre of movies. john landis will be there! let's all be good kitties and go get face painted and dance.
UPDATE: some of you might need lessons on how to dance, i realize. new york isn't what it used to be and it is difficult to get in practice with these ridiculous cabaret laws. so here is an instructional video:
LYDIA to me
2:59 PM (3 minutes ago)
[ed. note: this is a completely blank e-mail]
Ally to LYDIA
2:59 PM (3 minutes ago)
you send me blank e-mail!!!!!
LYDIA to me
3:01 PM (1 minute ago)
I was jittery with my send finger...too much coke and hummus
ok, in theory i'm ok with take your child to work day, i suppose. well, except that they don't actually spend the day sitting with you and learning what you do and getting a positive outlook towards a realistic view of the workplace. workplaces hire clowns and face painters and bands and throw pizza parties and give everyone soda pop on this very special day. which, surprisingly, is not actually how tony is the rest of the week.
what irks me is that people who bring their children in with them also do utterly no work. the rest of us have to sit here and do our jobs and can hear them, loudly playing with their children and having a pizza party (to which we're not invited, since we were smart enough to not get fucking knocked up). why bother going to work? what the hell is so wrong with any workplace in america just turning around and having a stay home and play with your kids or your boyfriend or whoever you damn well please day?
it's not a fucking day care. it's an office. at the very least, allow those of us who don't have children to opt out of this day. parents already get all manner of ridiculous perks the rest of us don't receive. your kid is sick? oh, hurry home. i'm sick? well, at science, despite having a full week of sick time left, my asshole boss (who was new to the job, to boot), i was informed that i was not to take off any additional time because i had taken "too much" (again i stress that i had a week of time left).
he took off regularly at 3pm to take his kids to various fun places, btw.
maybe i'm going to just go downstairs and steal some pizza, except i've put myself on a diet so maybe i'll just go outside for hours.
11:31 AM (38 minutes ago)
Ally to LYDIA
11:32 AM (38 minutes ago)
hahaha why do you send me these stories every time they pop up :D
LYDIA to me
11:33 AM (38 minutes ago)
To continually enforce how ridiculous and primitive men can be.
Ally to LYDIA
11:35 AM (37 minutes ago)
I don't know if I need to know that one of them thinks his penis was stolen (still don't get this, btw, wouldn't you KNOW it was still there) to know that men are ridiculous! You might be familiar with my track record!
LYDIA to me
11:42 AM (31 minutes ago)
I spit in Bono's and Oprah's faces. [ed. note: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS EITHER OK DON'T ASK] Men who think this should just become extinct. "She stole my penis" give me a break! Can you imagine men saying that in this country? HAHAHAHAHAHA
Ally to LYDIA
Honestly? Yes, yes I can imagine men saying that in this country, I am genuinely surprised I haven't been accused of doing such by certain ppl actually!
LYDIA to me
I think they'd call you something that rhymes with witch though :D
remember the time period when otis and i talked incessantly about turbonegro and a whole lot of people thought it was a made-up band and we were playing a prank on everyone? like either of us is even smart enough to write "i got erection"!
Tuesday, April 22
A) really? it's not costing you anything. damn, i've heard of commitment-phobes but that is next level.
A TIE?? A TIE?? are you guys for real? exactly 690 for wine/beer in restaurants, and 690 against? who are these 690 people in the latter group?
OH THAT'S RIGHT THEY'RE OLD PPL
hey there sonny, please preserve our t-shirt shops and tourist crap and flying hos which are never even open anyway!
damn, bros, sorry for your loss. maybe the recount will allow you to truly become the honky tonk town of your destiny. i have you in my prayers.
(previously on this blog...)
also their website looks like what i imagine is inside of julia allison's mind.
oh, and no bitching about having to take the 2/3 there; if i have it my way, it will be convenient to me so deal with it.
Monday, April 21
UPDATE: in related news, give it up, you douchetards. you went 18-1. you think you gonna hit perfection next year? you think the DAMNING, AWFUL, TRAUMATIC, TERRIBLE, MOST EMBARRASSING WAY TO LOSE EVER ie in the final game of the season, ie the championship game, to the goddamned ny giants of all people...well, you think the players are gonna actually overcome that and not turn into terrible basket cases, rocking back and forth in their locker room, softly whispering to themselves, "18-1...18-1"? really? cos, like, i don't. and i'm an expert on crippling failure and depression!
Saturday, April 19
it's apparently e street band night on vh1 classics! i'll be up 'til 6. GOOD THING I STAYED HOME SO I COULD GET SOME REST!
UPDATE: what i have learned: stevie apparently showed up three times during the 47 years it took to record born to run, to tell them they're doin it wrong. also: why did they ditch the hat thing?
UPDATE 2: what i have further learned: it ended. they segued from "born to run" to metal hour, which started with RUN TO THE HILLS BY IRON MAIDEN. the theory is, i'm angry whenever anyone turns off sprinsgsteen. but...this case? ok, most awesome thing you could've done beside play more springsteen. then i discovered "jackass" is on, so it is like a cacophony of men i inexplicably would leave anyone, ever, including george clooney, for. the only way things could get more vagina-wetting (oh, is that too jezebel?) is if al pacino showed up. i'm sure amc will be showing one of the godfathers within the hour though, so hope is here.
Friday, April 18
01. Buy This CD So I Can Pay My Medical Bills
02. You're Not Crust, You're Just A Dirty Spic
03. Miscarriages Are God's Way of Telling You That You're A Failure
04. Theme From Charles In Charge
05. You Go To A Community College
06. If You Didn't Want To Be Raped, You Shouldn't Have Been Born A Woman
07. I Laughed Because Your Son Is In A Wheelchair
08. I Went Back In Time And Voted For George W. Bush
09. You Have A Goatee
10. Cutting In Front of God Forbid In The Welfare Line
11. The Pedophile Wasn't The Biggest Fag In Decrepit Birth
12. Stealing Shawn Whitaker's Coke
13. You're A School Crossing Guard
14. You Read Conspiracy Theories On The Internet Because You Have No Life
15. Even We Have Better Customer Service Than Neurotic Records
16. You Look Like You Get Financial Aid
17. Earth Crisis Are Only Straight Edge Because You Can't Suck Cock And Do Coke At The Same Time
18. I Told You I Put You On The Guest List, But I Lied
19. You Look Pro-Life
20. This CD Installed Spyware On Your Computer
21. I Posted A Video of Me Running Over Your Dog On YouTube
22. You Collect Food Stamps
23. I Edited Your Band's Wikipedia Page To Say That You're All Gay
25. I Hit Your Wife For You Because You Were Too Much of A Pussy To Put Her In Her Place
26. The Kitchen: Get In It
27. You Look Like You Take Public Transportation
28. I Had Your Grandmother Deported Because You Parked In My Driveway
29. Your Husband Is A Garbage Man
30. I Didn't Accept Your Friend Request On MySpace Because You're A Jew
31. God Hates Fags
32. Mandatory Abortions For Scene Kids
33. Laughing While I Cross Your Picket Line
34. You Have A Xanga
35. You Drive A Bus
36. Anyone Who Votes For Hilary Clinton Is A Faggot
37. I Hacked Your Facebook And Sent Your Nudes To Everyone In Your Class
38. Decapitated Should've Flipped Their Van Before They Recorded Organic Hallucinosis
39. I Put Up The Bail Money For The Guy Who Raped You So That He Could Rape You Again
40. I Hit You Because I Love You
41. You Joined The National Guard, But You Were Sent To Iraq
42. Tipping Off The Authorities About OiNK
43. Impetigo Reunited? Yeah, No One Cared
44. Physical Therapy To Learn How To Walk Again Is Gay
45. Job For A Talentless Faggot
46. No One Listens To Anal Blast
47. I Jerked Off To Your Baby Pictures
48. Punching The Ugly Cunt From Arch Enemy In The Face Backstage
49. You Watch The View To Reinforce Your Own Stupid Opinions
50. You're Only A Promoter So Your Shitty Band Can Get On Shows
51. Willowtip Is Afraid To Sign Us
52. Picnic of Love Was Sarcastic, I Really Think You're A Worthless Cunt
53. Roseanne Barr
54. I'm Voting For John McCain Because He Doesn't Like Gooks
55. Look Back And Laugh At Sexist Jokes
56. I Was Going To Do An Interview For Lambgoat, But They Tried To Grab My Dick
57. You Look Like You Get Paid Minimum Wage
58. If I Cared About An At The Gates Reunion, I'd Be A Faggot
59. Even Though I Agree With The Majority of Your Political Stances, You're Still A Fucking Nigger
60. I Bought Schindler's List On Blu-Ray So I Could Watch The Jews Be Tortured In High Definition
61. I Came Inside Your Wife 10 Minutes Before You Went Down On Her
62. I Know Your Band Sucks Because You Signed To Ferret
63. You Wear A Youth Medium, Even Though You're A Large
64. Your Girlfriend Listens To Devourment Because She's Fat And Realizes She's Ugly
65. You're Tighter Than Your Daughter
66. Woman Is The Nigger of the World (bonus cover)
oh, and the website for record store day is terrible and slow and has multiple dead links in its press section. wtf? way to go, guys. but it does provide the world with some amazing quotes from artists about record store day! i'll excerpt some of the best for you here:
"I buy CDs all the time. I'll go into a record store and just buy $500 worth of CDs. I will! I am singlehandedly supporting what's left of the record business." - Bruce Springsteen, exhibiting a rather bizarre and uncharacteristic delusion of grandeur
"Yes, yes, I know. It's easier to download music, and probably cheaper. But what's playing on your favourite download store when you walk into it?" - Nick Hornby, apparently not realizing that many of us would like to just listen to our own music while we browse the internet, and not be forced to listen to what some jackass at kim's thinks is totally awesome this week (my guess for today: vampire weekend! it'd be a vast improvement over what some jackass at kim's usually listens to, so maybe not)
"God only knows what I would be doing now had it not been for the records that l have loved as a result of buying records." - Mark Gardener, speaking in code
"Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother." - Ian Gillan (i don't doubt his claim)
"rock'n'roll needs to be seen, touched, smelled, and tasted just as much as heard." - Sammy James of the mooney suzuki, a band that i am 100% certain that i never, ever want to smell or taste
"You can't roll a joint on an iPod - buy vinyl!" - Shelby Lynne (servicey! and that's the word)
in other news, i need to go back to bed.
UPDATE: you know, i picked vampire weekend up there because they are from columbia (finally, someone from my alma matter is striking a blow against the nyu kids' hegemony of the new york cultural landscape! by, um, singing songs about cape cod and sweaters and ivy leaguey shit like that and pretending to not be the
Thursday, April 17
LONG ISLAND CITY, NY – April 17, 2008 – FreshDirect, one of the nation’s leading online gourmet grocers and prepared food purveyors, announced today its plans to heed growing customer demand and expand its delivery services to reach the Brooklyn neighborhoods of Bedford Stuyvesant (“Bed Stuy”), Crown Heights, Red Hook and more. The new delivery areas are now open for delivery service, giving residents a whole new way to shop for the best in fresh produce, competitively priced groceries, and mouthwatering prepared food.
when i go to the website and enter 11233 (my zip code, in bed-stuy), i am informed that delivery service is not available in my neighborhood. i looked at their available zones list and it really hasn't changed much; there's about 4-5 new zips, each of which are asterisked, to indicate that they only deliver to "part" of that zipcode.
so, um, ok. i guess being willing to venture a block into each of these dirty, filthy ghettos is worth a major press release these days. "LONG ISLAND CITY, NY - April 17, 2008 - we're slowly overcoming our fears of the blacks!"
(i wonder if this is how reaghan roper and kristy rivera of mmw group hoped i'd use their press release? keep me updated, ladies! maybe by the time i've moved to a nicer neighborhood, away from my godawful stereotype of a next-door neighbor family, you'll be within twenty blocks of the place. of course, i won't need your service then, since i will live in a neighborhood that has a reasonable grocery store, but you know, i like to know things and all that.)
Wednesday, April 16
UPDATE: everyone else is mystified by susan's anime tits too. are they normally around her knees that a push-up bra can create this much extra volume? is she pregnant? did she get implants to prepare for her role as an aged stripper? what gives? i'm fascinated. it doesn't look like she's gained noticable weight anywhere else!
so bruce springsteen, in a shocking move, has come out as an obama supporter, stating that obama "speaks to the America [he has] envisioned in [his] music for the past 35 years." first of all, thirty-five years? holy shit. secondly, i've decided we need to make some poster slogans for obama's campaign. here are a few samples to kick-start the juices, get in on the game in the comments:
a candidate for all of you whose tires were slashed and you almost crashed but the lord had mercy
when you poke a dead dog with a stick, do you hope the dog gets up and runs?
make the change happen uptown and let obama join the band
now your turn.
UPDATE: i'd like the record to show that i wrote this at 11am, per the timestamp on the post, long before my jerk-ass boyfriend stole my obvious joke for his website! omgwtf! i'm going to start a blog fight with him! which will make this the second time in my life i've had a blog fight over bruce springsteen with a boyfriend which is amazing. and gay.
Tuesday, April 15
restaurants that should've been on the list instead of the two above:
ben's chili bowl: shut the fuck up, every single one of you. it's hot dogs and chili. and it is not even good chili; it is greasy, disgusting chili for the very drunk or those who have never been out of d.c. to have better chili elsewhere. even if it was good chili, there should not be a line for it longer than the ones at bistro du coin. it's hot dogs and chili. the late night insanity there makes nathan's look like a cakewalk, and nathan's serves beer in 44oz cups, is actually tasty, and resides on coney island, not fucking u street. true story: one night, my ex's drunken friend yelled, in the middle of ben's, "some homeless negro stole my chili dog." first of all, this is not ok to say anywhere. secondly, i was briefly completely convinced my life was going to end there and then, in ben's fucking chili bowl.
every pizza place in d.c.: jumbo slice has 6,000 calories in it. i'm not making this up. and you're eating three of them. nice job, nova girl. no wonder you don't fit into that halter top you insist on parading up and down 18th street in! another thing to keep in mind is that, similar to the ben's issue above, it's pizza. not free cocaine or something. pizza. there is another place to get pizza, generally four doors down from wherever you are standing in line. there is no need for anyone to start fistfights over pizza. despite this fact, i have seen at least seven fistfights over the pizza line.
sub-category: 2 amy's: yes. the pizza at 2 amy's is good, especially compared to almost everything else d.c. has to offer in terms of pizza. that being said, going to 2 amy's is like waiting on a 2 hour line to be ushered into a daycare full of colicky babies. do not want, especially when spinoff red rocks existed. i mean, it's not 2 amy's in that you don't have to wait on a line, which is apparently the favorite pasttime of every single resident of d.c., but the pizza is the same/better and the children were strangely absent.
taberna del alabardero: i am just saying this because i cannot afford to go to such a place.
there you go. you can thank me later, gridskipper.
— Posted by Tucson Jon
(also what does this picture mean?)
Friday, April 11
there is a slight fail, of course, because nothing in this world can be actually perfect and good and pleasing to me. obama's cigarette should be unlit. his hands are perfectly positioned to be lighting a match!
UPDATE: it is dangerous to go alone. i made you this:
"what it has is a provocatively dressed woman straddling a hamburger, and she's very busty and its kind of really horrible"
the only question i really have about this bizzare michigan burger joint controversy is why are the gays so angry about it? since when do gay men hate A) western wear B) boobs C) camp? there's nothing more relevant to "the cause" up there than the logo of a random burger shack? seriously?
i love the (female) owner's claim that she showed the logo to, like, 100 people and they were all ok with it. that's basically how lawyering works, too.
i mean, besides the feeling that i hope, very, very much, that feist gets hit by a helicopter, like that doctor on e.r. did, twice.
i'm ally! i'm clever! i don't like this person!
n.b.: the one with the giant head in the red shirt, fuckheadrob, is the person i am talking about, fyi
see? now that is funny!
by the way, i want those five minutes of my life back.
UPDATE: josh's post is apparently a dig on tracie. A) i am 10000000% for making fun of tracie so i take back my bitchiness B) does this make it funnier that his post reads like moe, or...just weird?
Thursday, April 10
Wednesday, April 9
hi! i'm back from martha's vineyard! did you miss me? were you unable to live without me? did you cry? haha you're a pussy!
j/k! it's ok to be sensitive and cry in the club and everything, it's the '00s. i have never been to martha's vineyard before, so this was, officially, an adventure. it was a pretty fun adventure! except for the part where i had to get on an amtrak. that always sucks, and i always prefer to bus going to boston, but never argue the point because every self-professed northeast corridor expert argues with me, because living in new york virtually my entire life and seemingly exclusively dating boys who live outside of new york city is probably not enough experience with the transits to be a judge of these things, that the bus is "always" late and "always" takes 800 hours neither of which thing is remotely true and then i just get angry when the amtrak is inevitably a half-hour or more late and then everyone i'm with hates me for at least a couple hours and then i get all cry-face or stab-face or sometimes bang-bus and then i forget about it and get on the amtrak again a couple days later, after vowing to never give them another dime.
after the above-referenced, never-to-be-spoken-of-again five hours of start, the vacation was totally fun! it was chilly. and very quiet and dead. apparently the season begins next weekend! whoops. as will, possibly, the end of the alcohol prohibition in the town we stayed in. whoops! (yes, that is a subscriber-only link. why the hell this newspaper expects you to pay $30 to read the letters to the editor is beyond me. you get the idea.) thankfully, wet towns, honky tonk towns, dirty filth havens of booze...they were only 10 minutes away by bus.
these supposedly honky tonk dens of depravity were pretty much like what i imagine a 4 year old thinks a crazy bar is like. maybe they are more like tijuana when the season begins. our first stop on the island, because nothing was open at all after 9:30 besides like three places, was sharky's cantina, a quaint shark-themed mexican joint. they sold t-shirts that said "lime disease" on them! i had a ginger margarita, and it was delicious. then i had some kind of lobster taco. you read that right. i said lobster taco. WHY HAS NO ONE ELSE THOUGHT TO PUT LOBSTERS IN MEXICAN FOOD? combining all the deliciousness of the world into one thing! perhaps we've all just assumed it was reaching too high, too soon? alex had a lobster burrito. lobster burrito! i decided that i liked massachusetts during this excursion.
the next day, we walked something like 73 miles. stores were not really open owing to it being sunday in puritainville, so it seemed a good idea. it was! except for the fact that i made us keep running down to the beach in what seemed to be 5 degree weather. but that was totally fun, even though alex now seems to be ill. anyway, we ended up at a place called newes from america which was like quainty mcquaintville. i don't remember what i ate, actually, but they had beers in huge ass glasses and gave you wooden nickels for drinking them. if you collect something like 8 trillion wooden nickels, they would put a sign on a bar stool that denotes the bar stool is named after you, drunky mcdrunkerton of the chappaquiddick mcdrunkertons. i also had a coffee with frangelico in it, but apparently that got me no closer to my goal of owning a bar stool, since you won zero nickels for drinking gay lady drinks. i have three nickels, so if anyone has nickels they'd like to donate to my cause, please let me know.
we wandered around a bunch more looking at really random things and running around and basically looking like idiots, jumping off of buses in the middle of nowhere and running towards beaches, but whatever. then it was time for dinner, which we decided would be back in dry vineyard haven, at le grenier. it makes absolutely no sense to go to a french restaurant without drinking wine, so of course we went to the "package store" (ha ha! what does it mean!?) and got a bottle of chinon. this was delicious! i was even allowed to eat dessert (i would be denied this the next night, when i drunkenly tried to get an almond joy out of the mini-bar in our room), which was bananas flambe, which everyone knows means ON FIRE BANANAS COVERED IN RUM.
the next day we ended up back at sharky's because LOBSTER QUESADILLAS. after going shopping and playing with dogs and stuff like that, we went to offshore ale for drinks. this is a great place. the floor is covered in peanut shells! there's a fireplace! it's a microbrewery! they do a 2-for-1 entree special?!?! what the hell? unfortunately we were not hungry owing to LOBSTER QUESADILLAS, but we did purchase a jug of beer, and a six pack to accompany us to the movie later that evening.
WE WENT TO SEE LEATHERHEADS OMG WTF THIS MOVIE RULED!!
anyway, there was some other shit too but i don't really remember every damn detail. i'm not a tape recorder. it was totally fun being in a completely bizarro world, everyone was super nice and i was like, massachusetts rules! until we had to spend one (1) hour in boston waiting for our transfer and i realized, hell no.
oh, finally, their newspaper? amazing.
if you want to see the rest of my pictures, click here and gawk at alex standing around in cloudy weather to your heart's content.
UPDATE: mussels! i ate mussels at newes from america, and they were very delicious! i tried to only eat seafood. because i think that is the law there?
Monday, April 7
raise many a glass to fdr tonight. he was a man who not only ended prohibition, but made it legal to drink while we were waiting for that bullshit to end as well.
Friday, April 4
cosmo readers mocked up their own cosmo covers and submitted them for ridicule on the public internets back in 2007. best headlines:
the 'make him squirt' one above
'the cowgirl way...on a horse'
'feel sexy INTENSELY...could your man be gay?' (this one is mad wtf)
'flares: going on 5 years! how did they DO it?'
'does being slim mean everything?'
'stop Pro-castinating' (that is exactly how it is written)
'16 erotic make-up tips!'
i mean, i would buy a magazine with those articles on the cover, for real.
tip: if you want to see more, just add -4 etc to the url, the pages don't link to one another but there's totes a bunch of them.
While I understand your point, the fact that you can get in to the calendar (if you try for days and days and finally get lucky), try to select a time and then not have any available is ludicrous. Once into the calendar, you should have a lock on whatever times are available.
this doesn't make any sense. is it really that important to get into this stupid restaurant that you are going to fire off this many e-mails to some developer who really, really doesn't give a shit that you aren't going to be able to go eat your poncey umami-scented scallop fetuses or whatever? they got things to do! a thought: maybe if you weren't harassing the developers all day with your "look at me i'm old and don't understand how the computers thing works" nonsense, they would have time to finesse the code and improve the speed on the site!
not that it would improve the speed on your crippled, arthritic, old man fingers, or your comprehension of calendars, which is really the bit that needs to be improved.
I THINK I HATE NEW YORK BUT EVERYWHERE ELSE IS WORSE!*
* except staten island which is made of ponies and sunshine.
UPDATE: staten island is technically in new york?!?! wonders never cease with this magical island!
Thursday, April 3
in another universe, i would've leveraged this nerd fame to become julia allison. i should've called william morris!
i'm pretty sure you guys don't venture above soho that often, but no one thinks there's anything odd about this anderson cooper sighting? or are you implying that, wherever anderson cooper is, he brings the chelsea with him?
a person who used to live just north of columbus circle, yet never anywhere near chelsea
ps ross helped with this post
however--and i tell you, i said to alex, "i don't like that pattern," when i first saw this dress in the old navy coupon mailer--i don't like that pattern. i mean, click thru to the link and look at the large detail of it. it looks like a not-abstract-enough wall of vagina. is it just me? not all of the pattern but...enough of it.
i fear that i'd wear that dress, get drunk, and start announcing to everyone, "behold the vagina dress!" and then laugh way more than that is worth laughing at, and be embarrassed at 5pm the next day, when i awake.
something more worthwhile:
UPDATE: i'm going to the wadja film in the pre-festival instead but maybe also other films because there are literally hundreds to choose from! i'm the movie monster today!
um, the new kids on the block are reuniting? also, they have a website? that actually alarms me a little more because i see no reason as to why that website would exist since everyone knows the internet was invented in 1997, many years after the new kids stopped existing. though clicking on the website reveals that jonathan knight is looking pretty hot and poor-man's-paul-rudd-y these days! anyway, i guess they're going to be on the today show on friday so i better call in sick! OR NOT because what the fuck? i actually heard a new kids song--for the first time since i was maybe 12--in a n upscale diner the other day. first of all, why were they playing this? secondly, it was so terrible. i mean, honest to god, i can hear a tiffany single or a debbie gibson single now and be like, yeah, i know why i liked that song! "i think we're alone now" is totes awesome! but this...no. there wasn't a single redeeming feature to this song and i was just like, really? people compared awesome bands like the backstreet boys to this band? jesus! this is the song in question, if you really want to hit the '90s:
(the video is AMAZINGLY bad; it makes the video for "she's like the wind" look like "sensual seduction" level of art)
another thing is, didn't donnie wahlberg become a serious actor? why is he embarrassing himself all over again? it took a while to get rid of the stain!
i hope they're going to tour with martika and marky mark! that would be so rad! oh my god! p.s. i still own both of marky mark's albums, which i have never listened to but they cost $0.99 each so whatevs. my favorite is the one where he and his posse are posing like badasses in front of a saab.
Wednesday, April 2
meowrson welles says: i'm quoting this wholesale from another website, but i thought it would be helpful for all of you planning your upcoming trip to the land of mystery, "staten island". i am of no help, having only been there once or twice and having done very little while there, besides wonder how such a thing occurred. anyway:
“My boyfriend and I did this last year and we’re still talking about it. We took the ferry and then navigated Staten Island by bus. Neither one of us had ever done that before, so it felt like a vacation. Start off the afternoon at the Staten Island Zoo (614 Broadway between Colonial Ct and Harvest Ave, Staten Island; 718-442-3100). It’s not as flashy as the other city zoos, but it has lots of character and an aquarium. Then stop by Snug Harbor to see the Chinese Scholar’s Garden (Staten Island Botanical Gardens, 1000 Richmond Terrace at Delafield Pl, Staten Island; 718-273-8200). Meandering paths and delicate footbridges create an atmosphere of romantic discovery, and while we would’ve preferred it if the overzealous guide allowed us to appreciate the architecture on our own, she did provide interesting tidbits we still reference today. We topped off the excursion with dinner at Adobe Blues, a Tex-Mex spot with a roaring fire (65 Lafayette Ave, Staten Island; 718-720-2583). It’s a pleasant mix of culture, kitsch and city exploration.” - Dan
it is a mystery...or is it? does anyone really know anything about staten island? all i know of these people is that they find meowrson welles ridiculous.
i am thinking, that once i get back from martha's vineyard, we should organize a group outing to staten island, to find out what is going on there.
(this is apparently a girl from staten island, she is #3 gis result for "staten island")
UPDATE: there's a trailer park there! by the bridge, not by the fish ferry, but still!