Thursday, January 31
Wednesday, January 30
since i'm bitchy and talentless today, i'm leaving the blog up to my co-editors. here's alfred with more news from flickr!
Today I am going to speak briefly about a pervasive theme that saddens me down to the crumbling remains of my mortal coil. I speak of course of the tendency for foolish, foolish couples -- blind in their love and racing hormones -- to ask their friends to photograph their weddings.
I make no case for or against Mr. toomuchroom. He is an innocent in this. A good friend, even. But the thread he created on Flickr points out several problems with the genre of Friendship Photography. I will list them for you now.
1) "A good friend of mine has asked me to be the "official" photographer at their wedding this summer. Whilst I am extremely honoured that they have asked me there is a small element of anxiety in me with regards to it."
OK. I will try to remain calm but this is very, very important. If you feel the slightest pangs of doubt or uncertainty with your technique or your skills, simply don't do it. Tell your friends you don't want to do it. You will still be friends after you turn the down. You will not be friends when you fuck up their pictures. I swear to god, people KNOW YOUR LIMITS. There's nothing wrong with taking on a challenge but when the stakes are as high as they are I would be concerned that when the time comes to pull the trigger then you will hesitate and you will become a DEAD MARINE. And you will be in a world of SHIT. Because Marines are not allowed to die without orders.
2) "Although we will do the archetypal "wedding shots" of group photos, family and friends, my friends have said that they are more interested in me capturing the "real" moments of the day."
Everyone wants this now. They want it because it looks "cool" and "relaxed." I will now get personal. Mr. toomuchroom, you lack the ability to do this. I am currently looking through your photostream and you have secretfattaey self portraits with you in lee press on nails and a garish mask. Like you're trying out for the role of a gay phantom or some shit. I mean, really. Your pictures of hot air balloons are cute. Hot air balloons are slow as shit and are unlikely to go anywhere fast. Do you know how long it takes the bouquet to fly from the bride to her fattaey bridesmaid? About as long as it takes for your friend's head to be turned into a pile of goo by charlie, that's how long. Let me tell you, buster, there's no turning back after that.
3) "Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone had done a wedding before and if so have you got any tips for me. What moments to look for, equipment to use, the settings of my camera etc etc"
Have you never been to a wedding? Do you not udnerstand the costs involved? If johnson had signed that spending bill in 66 we would have had the guns and the men to hold Da Nang and send those motehrfuckrs screaming for their litttle hidey holes. That's what skimping on your wedding photographer can do for you. You end up with your friends in pine boxes an da bad case of trench foot bit you can't take your boots off because of the punjis ticks covered with human excrement. You fuck. You little pussy mama's boy. You left my boys out there to die. All because you can't take a wedding picture to save your live. You make me sick. I need a drinks.
Tuesday, January 29
Rest assured I do not take my new charge lightly, nor do I take pleasure in its creation. While onerous, this task is an honor but also a great responsibility and a great burden on my everlasting soul.
Today's post comes from a gentleperson with the unusual handle of "baumies" who asks,
"Just wondering what is the most flattering f-stop for portrait photography. I thought I read somewhere that it is different for men and women. Any thoughts?"
I have many thoughts on this matter, Mr/s. "baumies." First of all, I would like to ask what fraudulent publication produced this spew, and what palsy you have to sufffer from to believe such nonsense. No response? Your silence will only lead to your doom.
Very well. Reading further, I see it takes four posts for someone, in this case an accidental genius calling himself "metzgarpaul," to offer the correct answer to the question. S/he says,
"You might be confusing focal length and F-stop when you mention flattering. A more telephoto lens is more flattering than a wide angle for portraits."
Well done, sir/madam.
The problem is that the thread continues for another FOUR POSTS OF PEOPLE SPOUTING THE SAME BULLSHIT ABOUT WHICH F-STOP IS THE MOST FLATTERING. NIGGA PLEASE. THE QUESTION WAS ANSWERED AND YOU IGNORANT FUCKTARDS IN YOUR HASTE TO PRESENT SOME FALSE-FRONT OF SKILL OR KNOWLEDGE BLEW RIGHT PAST THE ONLY ANSWER WORTH TWO SHITS ON THE POINT OF DISCUSSION. FURTHERMORE, ONE MR. alyn_smith SAYS,
"Really depends on the photo and the light available. I simply use anything between f1.8 and f22 depending. This is a very strange question."
WOW. YOU JUST SAID THAT. YOU JUST SAI THAT YOU CONSIDER THE USE OF EVERY STOP ON YOUR LENS WHEN YOU TAKE A PORTRAIT. REALLY. GREAT. I'M GLAD THAAT OUY TRY AND USE YOUR TOOL TO THE MAXIMUM OF ITS ABILITY AT ALL TIMES. YOU SIR, HAVE FULL COMMAND OF THE RANGE OF TOOLS AVAILABLE TO YOU AND I LOOK FORWARD TO WATCHING YOU STRUGGLE TO BUILD A HOME WITH THE MONEIES YOU EARN FROM YOUR PHOTOGRAPHIC SKILLS TO BUILD A HOME WITH A PAIR PF NEEDLE NOSED PLIERS AND A RUSTY SCREWDRIVER. A++++++ WORK WOULD VIEW AGAIN.
But indeed, gentlereader, the answer to the question lies within the bonus features of Amelie. I swear to god. In the bonus features they discuss which lenses they used on Impish Frog Pussy Audrey Tautou and why. It's visual. It's on DVD; it was one of the most popular movies of 2001. For those of you who forget, this is she:
(ed. note: i fucking hate her. christ.)
Moving on, and back to the thesis of this column, which revolves around stupid shit questions on Flickr, I would like to present the stupidest post on Flickr today. Interestingly, it comes from "baumies" his/herself. S/he posts,
"Yeah, that is a strange question! I meant focal length. Sorry about that! "
OK SO YOU ASKED A QUESTION. THEN YOU WAITED 48 HOURS TO REALIZE YOU ASKED THE WRONG QUESTION. THEN YOU DON'T BOTHER TO CORRECT THE QUESTOION IN ORDER TO GET AN ANSWER TO THE REDICULOUS PORBLEM YOU FACE. I ASSURE YOU THAT IF YOU HAVE TO ASK SUCH A THING, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS TAKING A PICTURE OR EVEN WORRYING ABOUT THE APPEARANCE OF YOUR SUBJECT BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS ARE PROBABLY FAT AND UGLY ANYWAY AND NO AMOUNT OF LENS TRICKERY OR POST WORK WILL SOLVE THAT. SOME UGLY CANT BE UNDID. NOW, IF YOU WWERE SHOOTING GEORGIA, LIKE I WAS MOST OF THE TIME,
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE AN Y PORBLEMS COZ SOMETIMES GOOD TAIL IS GOOD TAIL AND ANYTHING YOU DO WILL JUST SCREW UP GOD'S WORK. I HIT THAT SON.
1. michael strahan is asked to name his favorite gap-toothed person. after considering letterman, madonna, and lauren hutton, he chooses spongebob squarepants.
2. some loony tv reporter showed up in a wedding gown and announced that she was "mrs. brady," to which tom brady replied, "i have many mrs. bradys in my life." he then immediately corrected himself and claimed to be a one-woman guy. smooth, tommy, very smooth.
3. eli is asked his general opinion of his big brother: "He's become a pretty good actor." zing!
4. apparently plaxico burress's idea of a practical joke is to put grapes in eli manning's shoes? this is the worst prank i've ever heard of. is he going to give eli a big mac instead of a whopper, as well?
5. bill belichick's favorite movie is GONE WITH THE WIND.
6. if a film was to be made of this super bowl, michael strahan would like it if tobey maguire played eli, and brad pitt played brady. no, i have no idea why anyone on earth would ask strahan this question either.
7. ELI MAKES A NAMATHY BOLD PREDICTION! ...that wales will beat england in this weekend's rugby match? what the hell? is eli going to give the reporters a big mac instead of a whopper?
8. randy moss and tom brady also got the "super bowl movie" question that was so popular today. their picks to play themselves? denzel washington and tom hanks. denzel is playing brady in their scenario, by the way.
the giants overall seem to be getting much funnier questions than the pats did. disturbing fact that i do not want to put in the "awesome" countdown because it is definitively unawesome: belichick showed up sans famed hoodie but wearing sandals. so, so, so gross.
meowrson welles says: There are plenty of kitties who are good at picking up mice...but they aren't good at explaining what they do. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you're either destined to be good with mice, or you aren't. This is a skill anyone can learn.
1. mice are everywhere! Don't get sucked in to thinking that you can only find mice when you're out at a restaurant or at the bar. They're on the street, in a store, in class, everywhere you go. Just go out into the world and pay closer attention.
2. Go up to it! There's a cat named Mystery who came up with something called the 3 second rule. Pretty much, what it says is, if you see a mouse you'd like to meet, three seconds after you think that, you should go up and start meowing.
3. What to say. cats are tripped up by this all the time. A good place to start is by using what's called a "neutral-opinion opener." What that means is you ask a question about something that has nothing to do with you. It can be simple ("What do you think of this place?") or elaborate ("Did you see the fight outside? There were these two german shepherds, and they were totally fighting over this poodle...but the poodle was really scrawny and wormy looking...it was crazy..." but it really doesn't matter what you say.
4. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!! mice get picked up on almost every day, and they know why you meowed at them. Whoever this mouse is isn't paying as much attention to what you're saying as it is to the way you're saying it (are you confident? comfortable? Are your shoulders hunched over, or back?) Do your best to appear comfortable, and it'll feel comfortable too. It's easier for a cat who is calm, cool, and in control...so be that cat.
5. Do something novel. A really scrumptuous mouse has people telling it all the time how how cute it is, how nice it is...and it's gotten used to it. If you become the next cat to come up and tell it how lovely it is, it'll appreciate the compliment, but it'll leave immediately. I'm NOT saying to be mean...but you should be more casual. Make a little joke at its expense..not something huge or insulting (David DeAngelo would say something like "Wow, that's a big purse! Do you have a gun in there?") Not anything about it's appearance, though..that's just mean.
6. Just be yourself! If you've ever asked a mouse what to do to meet a mouse, it'll probably say "just be yourself." You may think that means that if you feel nervous, and that you want to tell it again how cute it is (for the 40th time) that you should...but that's NOT what they mean.Treat it normally...almost like one of your cat friends. If you're at the bar, and it asks you to get a napkin...it's probably just asking to see if you'll jump through a hoop for it. Don't do it! You wouldn't break your back to do that for one of your good friends...don't treat it differently!
7. Keep up the banter! Once you're meowing, keep it up. You may want to come up with some stories about you that are funny or interesting, or that display an interesting side to you. Try to not fall into the interview technique (asking things like: What do you do? Where do you live? Where did you go to school? If you're stuck, turn those interview questions into statements, like "You look like you're from New York" or "I bet you're an event planner")
8. Ask for its number! After a few minutes, if you're having a good time, cut things off on a high note, and ask for its number. Say that you're having a great time, but you need to get back to your friends (or whatever else you were about to do). If it doesn't want to give you its number, you can joke and say that you promise to only call 50 times a day, but that's all. You could also just get an email address (almost everyone has one, and is OK with handing it out, especially for a charming kitty like yourself)
A lot of mice, especially girl ones, don't like the idea of learning how to pick up mice. They think it's speciesist and cheap. There are pick up artists like this...but it doesn't have to always be that way. Those same mice are waiting for the right cat to sweep them off their feet...to charm them, and woo them and make them feel special and beautiful...and that's what you can do with this kind of information if you use it wisely.
If you have played the game properly and gained the mouse's trust over the course of a week or two, you will be able to then lure them over to your apartment and have yourself a delicious, delicious treat.
Monday, January 28
When first asked to write an entry for this blog I was surprised. It's not every day that a publication summons me from the spirit world to comment on the state of photography and technique so you must forgive my lack of command of public comment.
I have taken it upon myself to choose my subject and I will be penning this column with a link to the Worst Flickr Thred Posting Of The Day forthwith.
This thred, entitled simply "Making SLR photos stand out from point and shoot," is a profound exercise in stupidity. In fact, the base distillation of the question is, "I thought getting a bigger camera would help me take better pictures, but it seems it's not happening. What gives?" There are many subsequent postings from people that offer advice such as procuring an external flash or purchasing a faster lens. Nevermind the fact that getting a new tool /= immediate satisfactory results.
The worst post of the day, however, comes from someone calling himself "bluesguy NY." I was wondering who the bluesguy was in NY. I know the ones in AK and CA, but not in NY. Thank christ. He suggests that one of the benefits of using an SLR is the absence of parallax.
Parallax is illustrated below, using a TLR model rather than a digital compact, but that's not the point:
What this illustration doesn't show you is that the parallax effect becomes negligible the further and further away you move from the subject. If a bro (Dash, in this instance) is taking pictures two feet or less from his subject I would
a) complement him for being stupid enough to intrude on a performers' space
b) wonder why there was no one in the audience complaining about the dipshit photographer standing in their way
The post from "bluesguy NY," if that is his real name, adds that,
"With a point and shoot camera, you have to allow for seeing a different view than you will be capturing, resulting in cutting off people's heads or allowing off-center photos."
OH THANK GOD I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAY ALL MY FUCKING PHOTOS WERE OFF CENTER. PARALLAX. JESUS WEEPING CHRIST ON THE CROSS I KEPT WANTING TO HAVE ALL MY PHOTOS SENSIBLY CENTERED AND I KEPT LEADING MY SUBJECT FOR SOME REASON AND DESTROYING VALUABLE SYMMETRY NOW I HAVE THE ANSWER.
"SLRs also provide for the mounting of lens filters such as polarizors and star filters, and you get to see exactly what effects the camera sees."
HOLY FUCKING SHIT I CANT TAKE A GOOD PICTURT TO BE GING WITH AND NOW I FINALLY FIND OUT THAT MY PROBLEM IS THAT IM NOT USING A STAR FILTER OR A POLARIZER AND NOW I KNOW THAT GOD I CAN YUSE A POLARIZER WHEN THE SITUATION IS A DIMLY LIT STAGE AND LOSE TWO STOPS OF LIGHT WITHOUT TRYING NOW IM SHOOTING TOTALLY IN THE DARK AND A POLARIZER DOESNT DO ANYTHING IF YOUR LIGHT SOURCE IS NOT COMING IN FROM A CERTAIN ANGLE TO MAKE THE POLAIZOR DO THE THING IST MADE TO DO WHICH IS POLAIZE LIGHT.
AALL OF THIS WILL ANSWER THE QUESTION AS ORIGINALLYT POSED. PLEASE RECALL IT IS:
"Making SLR photos stand out from point and shoot."
"I thought getting a bigger camera would help me take better pictures, but it seems it's not happening. What gives?"
bluesguyNY, you are the first in our ongoing series, "Worst Flickr Thred Posting Of The Day."
(i apologize in advance to the people in this picture, who might be very nice people and all that--you were the most ridiculous looking pats fans i could find.)
this is basically the stupidest thing i've ever read about sports, and i've read the comments on deadspin. apparently, "studies" prove that patriots fans are classier than giants fans. by "studies" i mean "some lady's arbitrary reading of nielsen market data," but that seems to count for bostonites! any victory over a clearly superior city, i guess.
my favorite part is the following passage, meant to prove boston's good taste and class:
We drink Amstel Light [. . .] Giants fans slug back lots of whiskey.
AMSTEL LIGHT? first of all: boston, hello, you have an actual good brand of beer made right in your own backyard. you can't pick up a sam seasonal or even a sam light? talk about doing yourself a really inexplicable disservice. secondly, i'm supposed to read with a straight face that it is classier to drink AMSTEL LIGHT instead of, like, say, sazarac?
she then goes on to state that while bostonites read wine spectator, giants fans like...pretzels. not pretzel spectator, mind you. the actual food, pretzels. are people in boston eating their magazines? that's the only way this is even a comparison.
really though, when it comes down to it, the best statistic is this one:
When Pats revelers aren’t watching football, they’re hitting the slopes skiing or going for a sail. They’re also more likely to belong to country clubs.
proven by "science": PATS FANS ARE ALL WHITE PEOPLE!.
she later posted a follow up, i guess when she realized she was offending EVERYONE ON EARTH EVEN PATS FANS, to prove her rantings. it only makes the drinking issue even more clouded, though: the fuller version of the stats reveal that giants fans also prefer anchor steam to chase their whiskey with!
the full stats also admit that giants fans are actually probably richer than pats fans overall, in direct contrast with her claim, but that doesn't actually seem to be phasing her at all. why? because she is incredibly retarded.
i can't tell you how much pain it causes me that something this idiotic about sports was written by a female, as an aside. shut the fuck up and stop doing a disservice to me and my kind, you dumb southie whore.
where the hell are editors these days? this shit is like sub-blog material.
UPDATE: msnbc is now getting in on piling on boston for this?? wau!! i just feel sorry for everyone i know from boston who is being slandered with this amstel light thing, really.
UPDATE #2: hi williamsboard!
this is a true fact: despite the fact that i do not have blonde hair, i do not do karaoke, do not have these tattoos, in no way actually resemble emily gould, and would probably find it difficult to self-portrait myself from this angle, my mom thought this was a photo of me.
another true fact: i met a man at this bar who was exceedingly, exceedingly rude to me and my sister. not to get into details but it took me quite aback and i've lived in ny forever so it's not like i'm a stranger to seeing rudeness. i only just realized a few weeks ago that i have met this same mystery jerkoff, several times since, and gotten along with him very well and that he was, indeed, the random person who was a tremendous asshole to me at this karaoke bar. small world!
Friday, January 25
our new kitty! hooray! he is much littler than this photo makes him appear. probably between 7-9 months old, but it's hard to tell (he's either kind of a tall 7 month old or a very small 9 month old, if that makes sense). i'm taking him into the vet to get shots and neutering on monday, so hopefully the vet can clue me in a little more.
he is adjusting decently to his new surroundings and seems to want to hang out on the couch and purr and stretch a lot. he and his sister were found by a friend's roommate left on the street in a cat carrier, with no food or water. no one is really sure how long they'd been there but the carrier was filthy and the poor things were frightened, obviously. lil' stevie, being larger and male, was the more curious and gregarious of the two (i already have a boy cat, and i've had significantly better success in the past introducing him to boy cats than girl cats, so we adopted the boy in fear that mr. kitty would just terrorize the little girl).
long story short, there is still another cat to be adopted! she's the same age, a little smaller, but mostly looks the exact same. the girl cat is very timid right now, and might need to be an only cat in order to coax her out of her shell. she's had a pretty rough time so far and there's no way to know how long these two had been neglected, so the reticience towards humans is understandable, but she has allowed more than one person to pick her up and you can get her to come out with food, so with a little patience she'll be just as friendly a kitty as her brother. i'd like to help my friend and his roommate get her adopted (if you're wondering why they don't just keep her, there's a third roomie who's allergic, otherwise they would), so if you are interested and are willing to accept that it might take a few weeks for the cat to be a playful lapcat, please let me know and i'll get you in touch.
again, she's really cute, just very, very shy and nervous.
and we won't even force you to keep the name alex wanted to give her, "jessicat simpson."
(and yes, that is the cat's name, feel free to do similar to what pete did last night and leave a hilariously edited pavement song lyric for me to read. pete's submission: "go back to those gold meowz")
UPDATE: jessicat simpson was adopted!
Thursday, January 24
1. the lack of fantana commercials before movies these days. where did they go? i'd much rather see the fantanas than another fandango ad. hint to fandango: i wouldn't be in the theatre if not for you cos HELL if i'm going all the way to union swuare or whatever without having already bought tickets! do i look like a crazy person? seriously now.
2. scarlett johannson. shut up! you're very, very stupid, like "you make winona ryder look like a mensa member" type of stupid, and a bad singer. i used to have no ill will towards you but you keep getting interviewed and saying increasingly retarded things and now this album you're putting out...enough! listen. you go back to being titlicious in films like the island and never saying anything and certainly not singing for christ's sake and i will stop disliking you. you are no lindsay lohan, so stop pretending you are like some indie man's version of such. now begone with you! ps lilo if u readin this girl u my #1
3. people i know who like lcd soundsystem and/or !!! but are like openly derisive/dismissive/pissy towards any other dance music. oh yeah, there's such a really big fucking difference in intent/tempo/blahbbityblahblahblah between "us v them" and an ural 13 dictators song. i love you guys but you're bringing me down*! you're all such douchebags. (see also: people who live way closer to the j or g but insist on taking the l, people who live in really inconvenient parts of brooklyn simply because they can still say they live in brooklyn, yr dad).
4. people who abandon animals on the street. if you could drive the animal to your preferred dumping point, what the hell was so hard about driving it the rest of the way to the aspca? trying to mind your carbon footprint or something? assholes. i mean, honestly. you can even sneak them there and leave them outside the door, abandoned-baby-in-a-film style, if you're just too cheap to pay the small fee they ask for to be able to not kill your pet. which, btw, is what is going to happen to your abandoned kitten or puppy 98% of the time you dump it on a street. do you think the poor thing's fairy godmother is going to show up on the bqe and bring it to the ball? who are you? scarjo?
5. power cords. they just creep me out!
6. tom brady. though i've been applauding his incredibly brave decision to come and spend his bye week in new york city. i mean, he could have made his gf go to boston, or even gone to arizona with her a week early. but he chose to go to new york, and while it's likely he is going to get beaten to death by a crazed jerseyite giants fan by sunday, it really shows a level of ballsiness that is impressive. still though, overall, tom brady: no.
7. the j train. you're like going 5 mph over the bridge. you know what goes faster than 5 mph into manhattan? two things: 1) me, walking on the fucking bridge. 2) trains that go underground!
8. piglets. ha ha, just kidding, i don't really know anything about piglets. i'm just running out of things i don't like.
9. the fact that it seems like levi's changed the sizing on my favorites. i mean, i'm looking at the tag on the ones i'm wearing (no small feat, actually), and it says it is a 5L. when i'm on the website, there is a 4L, and a 6L (theoretically--not in the color i want), but clearly no 5L. when did this happen? how the hell am i supposed to figure this out? i really don't want to have to actually enter a levi's store and try them on. this is a really petty complaint, sorry! i'm just hoping that someone at levi's will read this and give me advice on how to shot 521s (confusing the issue futher is the fact that the 5Ls are too big for me).
10. the fact that people in my office keep honking bicycle horns. i'm not making this up at all. please, guys, let's be cool. i know why they are doing it, but it's just so wrong and bad and my god i have headache problems to begin with. i don't need to hear this for weeks on end.
* do you see what i did there?
Wednesday, January 23
Tuesday, January 22
gin (um, w.c. fields...this wasn't my addition)
red bull (GIVES YOU WINGS)
uh make the proportions whatever you like i guess. haven't really fleshed this out.
(LATE EDITOR'S EDIT: brian m. suggest this is served by putting in bottles and then hurling the bottles at the back of whomever orders this)
of course, i have considered the fact that was just posted by a batshit vigilante, in which case...well...it's best that we require log ins these days, eh?
that would explain a lot about his behavior in last saturday's game. i mean, this could very well be half of daft punk.
native americans. fake white lady "native americans." wolves. andy kim. this all makes perfect sense.
^^^ wtf is going on here
in this crazy mixed up world where heath ledger is dead but (fill in the blank starlet with insane drug/cutting/drinking issues) is still kickin', anything makes sense. that's chinatown.
yet another anniversary of the roe v. wade decision. the 35th, in fact! and yeah, there's the usual glut of news articles, with quotes from doctors who are only speaking under the condition of anonymity, and teenage girls claiming they're going to "spirit adopt" fetuses (which is like some next level twilight zone shit; i mean, what if you spirit adopt a mean fetus? a vengeful fetus?) and blah blah blah. great, well done america! i love the protest signs in this photo above, basically. i mean, they're right. abortions do hurt. i imagine far less than childbirth does, but damn if having your cervix opened and a tiny vacuum stuck inside doesn't feel like what i imagine the victims in alien felt like seconds prior to the chest/gut explosion (though i imagine the modern way is far, far less painful than the tales of my great-grandmother doing this herself, good ol' coat-hanger style).
i didn't actually want to get an abortion! i was pressured into doing so by several sources. the person i was with at the time immediately just announced it on the phone when i told him--"you will get an abortion." the couple friends i told basically thought i was joking when i said i didn't want one and openly called me an irresponsible idiot who probably couldn't even handle having a pet hamster, much less a baby. so, i went back into the clinic at columbia (the same place that handed me the very expired birth control pills that caused this situation to begin with, so go home tonight and check your packets) to get some info. the doctor--a female, working at an ivy league institution in new york city--was almost openly condemning the concept of abortion, and gave me significant literature (and pressure) about adoption options and keeping the child.
it was basically the most awful experience, those couple weeks.
everyone at pp was really nice and supportive though. i don't think a single worker there even mentioned adoption or counseling, even though the bitch at columbia said that it was "required" by nys. they did force us to watch the tony danza show while recuperating though which just made me get up far sooner than i should've to get the fuck out of there.
and...i regretted it! a lot! months of severe depression (though this did occur a few weeks before thanksgiving, and i've noted my problems with seasonal depression before), nightmares, so on and so forth.
it's about three years later now, and i realize now had i not gone through with it, i'd still be stuck in a really awful relationship and probably still trapped in washington dc and i probably also wouldn't know almost any of my current friends because i'd be at home, with a kid i'd have come to resent, and i wouldn't be in my current relationship, and i wouldn't have a decent job (or any job).
so, even though the choice was kind of forced upon me, i'm ultimately glad i sided with everyone else. they were right--there's no way i wouldn't kill off a hamster accidentally, much less a kid.
next on this blog: a crazy picture of tom brady!
#3 best super bowl performance, all-time? between this and that awful bullshit "sports column" posted on gawker today which i'm not even going to link to, that is how much worse it is than this mostly mundane espn list, i'm pretty sure all the internet is trying to kill me.
someone gchat me something awesome!
ps that guy in front of phil simms is doug williams, in case you didn't know, which you wouldn't because who the fuck even remembers doug williams?! joe gibbs don't even remember him anymore!
Monday, January 21
dear brett favre,
thank you for making up for the atrocious phantom game calling on the part of the refs, who i can only assume were relatives of yours due to the way that they were doing anything possible to give this game to you, by throwing a pass directly into the hands of corey webster (who, you might not have noticed, was wearing a white jersey and not a green one--i've always assumed you were never aware which jersey YOU were wearing, though).
you are very lucky indeed you had driver making inexplicable cirque du soleil catches every once and a while, otherwise your ass would've been shut out.
please just fucking retire already. or don't! i mean, i don't want to see the packers in a super bowl again, particularly.
everyone in ny
Friday, January 18
Thursday, January 17
food was delicious, though they kept running out of mac 'n' cheese (thanks to RICHARD GIN who seemed to consistently get the very last mac 'n' cheese all three times he went up for food), which was a big bummer because basically i just wanted a big pile of mac 'n' cheese. the other disappointment was that they refused to serve food prior to 8pm, which meant our group that got there at 6 got fucked a little on the line, even though we were the first people who showed up basically. oh well. tiny chicken biscuits! so cute. oh, also we couldn't smoke inside until 10, despite the fact that they've never had a rule about this before. i'm basically shaking my fist at the ny times and at williamsboard (seriously? the guido couple who pretty obviously came in from long island for this and had never been there before and seemed mystified by so much and then disappeared? really? also seriously? the group of girls who were asking each other, "will they give me more than one beer with only one ID?" like, we were at rockstar, you could be a 4 year old and not get carded there--i have the photo to prove it). i'll post photos later. it was fun! sorry not all of you could be there.
also rip fun times at rockstar bar, because hell if i'm going to go to rockstar very often (lol like i went all the time before? shit is far from the marcy stop, bros) if they ain't got food.
neither meowrson or derrick showed up so they won't be posting about this. too busy
wtf is this fresh hell? you're going to gain a competitive edge over manning by not showing a rerun of his supposedly favorite show? the fuck? a) UH. b) dvds not made it yet to this green bay you speak of, eh? c) everyone knows eli's favorite show is ninja warrior anyways.
i voted for the idiotic fox affiliate to inflict the emmit smith "good feet" special or whatever that is, but of course they're going to show some retarded bullshit about vince lombardi instead, because GOING ON AND ON AND ON ENDLESSLY ABOUT SHIT THAT HAPPENED 50 YEARS AGO INVOLVING PEOPLE WHO ARE ALL--EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM BASICALLY--DEAD REALLY IS AWESOME.
if the patriots go undefeated this year, i will actually cosign on renaming the trophy the randy moss tom brady bill belichick manlove magic trophy award or whatever people in boston want everything to be called, if just to spite green bay.
Wednesday, January 16
a wisconsin man tied up his anti-packers son and forced him to wear a green bay jersey during last saturday's packers-seahawks game. wtf is wrong with everyone?
also--why is this little brett favre being ostracized?
so many questions.
seriously, this is the most fucked up thing i've ever seen on the internet (nb i've never actually seen tubgirl). thank god the mannings are in yet another ad campaign, btw, i'm looking forward to a world in which all commercials feature one of their adorable mugs.
so, go early tonight! i'm working at home today after getting news way late that my sister was in a car accident, so i was up late and didn't get to sleep at a reasonable hour (she's ok! was just stressful), so i plan to go at noon.
Tuesday, January 15
HELLO READERS I HOPE YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN ENJOYING THE NFL POSTSEASON AS MUCH AS I HAVE.THOSE GAMES ON SUNDAY WERE REAL NAILBITERS AND I THINK THAT ELI HAS COME INTO HIS OWN AND I AM IMPRESSED BY EVERYONE. GTOM BARDY REALLY LOOKS GOOD. ANYWAY, THE REASON I AM HERE IS NOT TO DISCUSS FOOTBALL. I'M THE AFTERHOURS EDITOR AND I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THAT MEOWRSON IS RIGHT TO WISH PEACE UPON PIES AND THIGHS BUT THEY SAY IT WILL COME BACK.
The ladies of Pies ‘n’ Thighs hope to reopen the restaurant soon, in a space where they can sell beer and be a little more restaurant-y about things, or, as their website puts it “to build a bigger, better, more miraculous hole in the wall.” It sounds like they’d like to stay somewhere in or near the shadow of the Williamsburg Bridge
THAT IS FROM MEOWRSONS ARTICLE. NOTICE THAT THEY ARE NOT EVEN LEAVING THAT AREA WHICH I DON'T CARE FOR TOO MUCH TRUTH BE TOLD, TOO MANY PEOPLE WITH BAD HAIR. I AM NOT JUDGING BUT I AM JSUT SAYING THEY NEED SOME HELP. I HOPE THIS BLOG EMPLOYS A FASHION EDITOR ONE DAY TO HELP THEM.
SO DON'T WORRY AT ALL KIDS, IT'LL BE OK. ALSO YOU STILL STILL GO TO ROCKSTAR. TRHEY HAVE A BAR CAT. HOW MANY BARS HAVE BAR CATS? I'LL TELL YOU HOW MANY. THREE.
MAYBE SAVE UP YOUR MONEY AND GO TO FETTE SAU INSTEAD. IT ISN';T THE SAME THING I MEAN NO CHICKIN BISCUIT BUT IT IS BBQ AND SOUTHERN TYPE FOOD. DELICIOUS!
THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS AMERICAN. TONIGHT PLEASE READ HABAKKUK CHAPTER 1 VERSE 16. IT IS PRETTY RELEVENT TO THE DISCUSSION AND I THINK YOU READERS WILL FIND COMFORT IN IT. ALSO PLEASE THINK OF OUR TROOPS, AND HOW REALLY THEY HAVE HAD NO CHICKIN BISCUITS AT ALL. IT'S NOT SO BAD IF YOU THINK OF THINGS IN PERSEPECTIVE.
meowrson welles says: pies 'n' thighs is closing, and this time for real and not for just a week or two. there's a closing party tomorrow at 8, though that actually seems like a really depressing way to spend a wednesday. the owners hope to reopen nearby in a larger space, instead of constantly worrying about getting their closet fryer shut down by the man. the downside of this new space idea, which is fantastic in every other way, is that you will no longer be able to eat your chicken biscuit and drink your pbr while smoking at the same time. the biggest upside, however, is that you will be able to eat your chicken biscuit and drink your pbr without being bothered by the "bands" they book at rockstar! though i'm sure i'll find someone else within my vicinity to be annoyed by, band or not.
honestly, i'm crushed by this news because i haven't been there enough times. i would love to eat some of their mac 'n' cheese right now. but the world is deprived another place that was awesome--so goes the story of new york city.
Monday, January 14
so fresh direct is converting to running on a cleaner-burning biodiesel fuel blend. any chance that, like, with all this extra fuel, they'll, like, drive another block over from the fancy condos they're willing to deliver to in east w'burg, bed-stuy, bushwick, et al and deliver to, like, everyone in those zipcodes? or even just like an entire block instead of single, hand-picked, lily-white buildings? cos, like, it won't kill the environment, now!
hey fresh direct: everyone in my goddamned building is a white suburbanite transplant but me, alex, and a black guy with dreads. not every white person is stupid enough to buy a condo in shitsville, and not every minority is too poor and too stupid to use the internet. i mean, wtf? even if you do ever decide that my block is worth your time, i'm going to stick with amazon's grocery service (free shipping!) and the foodtown, i think.
now bring me some of your pot, i need to calm down.